PAY IT FORWARD: Brown People & Liberals Are Ruining My Christmas!

December 4, 2009 at 12:19 pm 18 comments

Today’s installment of PAY IT FORWARD is a double-header, my friends, and not for the weak at heart. Actually, it kind of IS for the weak at heart, since I’m pretty confident that both of these forwards were penned by a cranky, old, weak-hearted, glass-hipped bastard who spends the bulk of his day wishing there were more things in the world to hate.

In other words: Andy Rooney.

Actually, the first forward (courtesy of Mermanda) claims to be a transcript of one of Rooney’s 60 Minutes rants, but this was debunked by Snopes.com. Sorry, stupid people who have forwarded this email: you’ll have to pin this ignorant bullshit on someone else.

May I suggest…?

Here we go, Internet. This isn’t going to be pretty:

Subject: Fwd: Fw: Can’t Believe CBS did not stop Andy Rooney!

Guess what! They didn’t, because HE NEVER SAID THIS. Douchebags.

Lest you think that the “I can’t believe he said this!” sentiment was one of outrage (which I did, at first), the forward gives us a geeky-ass “Right on, Andy Rooney!” to let us know what we’re dealing with here. I mean, if you ever catch yourself saying “Right on, Andy Rooney!” I think it’s pretty safe to assume you will not be getting laid anytime soon, and/or you are 93 years old.

Oh, the old “being a minority isn’t all that bad” argument – a favorite talking point of people WHO AREN’T FUCKING MINORITIES.

Yeah. So this is what we’re dealing with here. I’m not going to go to the trouble of including ALL the disgusting hate, just the highlights. We have a couple paragraphs about how guns don’t kill people, PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE!!1!, and something about how only boys should be allowed into the Boy Scouts, and then:

Wow! Who let Mister Rogers in here?

(Oh, and FYI: “different” = not white, “weird” = liberal and/or gay and/or literate and/or not currently fucking one’s own sister)

I have to say, I appreciate the specificity. Milkshakes, newspapers, cigarettes and hotel rooms = sold in English. Smoothies, magazines, cigars and timeshares = sold in Klingon. I DON’T MAKE THE RULES, PEOPLE.

So what did your father and grandfather die in vain for?

Also, if this had been written by Andy Rooney, what patriotic cause would his grandfather have given his life for? The Civil War? The American Revolution? Fighting gladiators in the coliseum? I don’t get it.

You hear that?! No foreign-born people people serving me coffee or selling me newspapers! Now why the fuck aren’t there any coffee shops or newspaper stands?

OK, I have to admit I have no idea what the fuck this passive-aggressive bullshit is about, and I am kind of wondering if maybe Andy Rooney did write this, because it sounds exactly like the ranting of a half-senile old bastard standing alone in his kitchen wearing one slipper. Next he’ll start going on about how they changed their pancake recipe at Denny’s, and DAGNABBIT, it’s no good now! This Grand Slam is rubbish!

Oh, you know me. Any excuse to post a picture of sausage.

To borrow a phrase from CFoST: “H-WHAAAT?”

Apparently whoever DID write this little gem thought it was high time pro wrestling got the respect it deserved.

(Also: I changed my mind. This was totally written by Macho Man Randy Savage.)

I hope whoever sold him those rad sunglasses spoke English.

My bad! It was written by Bill Gates.

Settle down, nerd.

HAHAHA! Oh, shit. I just love the how the whole indignant rant comes to a climax over ordering a fucking Number 4 at Mickey D’s. NO ONE shall interfere with the enjoyment of my french fries! NO ONE!

After this, we get a huge, 48pt font version of the Pledge of Allegiance, followed by:

This was by far my favorite part of the whole thing. This asshole goes all DON’T TREAD ON ME for paragraph after paragraph, and then has the balls to assert that people with opposing viewpoints should shut the fuck up. Let’s hear it for freedom of speech!

Exactly.

Also: Nice math skills up there.

Now, as promised, the Part Two of this Tour de Douche, courtesy of a lovely lady who will be babysitting Sadie tonight so that we can get our drink on at Brad’s workplace holiday party.

“Who wants to play a little grab-ass in the conference room? Haha! Just kidding! But seriously, someone will be getting bent over the copier tonight.”

Subject: Fwd: FW: Christmas?

Oooh! That question mark is so mysterious! I’m drawn right in! Let’s proceed.

Wait: Public schools were practicing separation of church and state? Certainly there’s something in the constitution that prevents this!

Oh, yeah: not sure if you knew this or not, but Ramadan and Kwanzaa are holidays invented by retailers.

How unfair to be bullied into being inclusive and sensitive! Next thing you know, they’ll ask me to stop running over orphans with my car!

Also, I really hate all those fucking asterisks. I instinctively want to scroll down to the end for footnotes.

I’ve left out some (masterfully-crafted) stanzas, but here is the end in all its glory. Can someone please explain to Ezra fucking Pound up there that not everyone celebrates Christmas at this time of year? Why is that so hard to understand? I also don’t recall anyone ever stopping Christians from celebrating Christmas, do you? And hey, if you want to include religion in public matters, then dust off your menorah and iron your burka, because – not sure if you heard – there are thousands of religions in the world. We’re gonna have a whole shit-ton of carols to sing, is what I am saying.

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why: Ahura Mazda is comin’ to toooownnn…

OK, Internet, I think that’s quite ranting for today – from me AND from these forwards. Time for a drink. Or two.

Or twenty. Where’s my sippy cup? Do we have any chips? Who put all this gravity in here?


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Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.

It Has Begun The Scented Lotion of Blog Posts

18 Comments Add your own

  • 1. HoST  |  December 4, 2009 at 12:38 pm

    Randy Savage ‘oH wIj jup.

    That is Klingon for “Randy Savage is my friend.” However, I am going to call bullshit on the online translator I used, because every good geek knows that there would surely be no Klingon word for “friend.” God…

    (Going to go lay down in the street now.)

    Reply
  • 2. Kelly  |  December 4, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    I can guarantee I am going to get “Fwd: FW: Christmas?” in approximately one week from my in-laws…except it will be entitled “RE: Forward: Fwd: Fwd: FW: Christmas?”

    Reply
    • 3. jiveturkey  |  December 4, 2009 at 2:03 pm

      LOL

      Reply
  • 4. MLE  |  December 4, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    Brown people and liberals ruin everything!

    Reply
  • 5. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  December 4, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    I’m pretty sure that the people who forward “Christ in Christmas” bullshit emails are the same ones who will CRUSH you on Black Friday at Walmark (yes, that’s right walmarK) to get their hands on the latest High School Musical “I’m a total slut whore” Dolls, or whatever. I’ve got another place where they can put the “CHRIST” and it’s not in Christmas.

    Reply
    • 6. jiveturkey  |  December 4, 2009 at 4:24 pm

      I love you, CFoST.

      Reply
      • 7. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  December 5, 2009 at 12:35 pm

        And I, you.

  • 8. Amy  |  December 4, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    I think my mother-in-law wrote this.

    Reply
  • 9. hillary  |  December 4, 2009 at 4:32 pm

    Goddamn. I’m expecting to get that “Christ in Christmas” one from my mother any day now.
    The other day she was bitching about Obama to me. I was all “Mom. You’re Canadian. You’re not allowed to bitch about Obama.” She rolled her fucking eyes at me.

    Reply
  • 10. sweetbird  |  December 4, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    So if Ahura Mazda replaces Santa does that mean we all get to kill dragons?

    Reply
    • 11. jiveturkey  |  December 7, 2009 at 10:46 am

      God, I hope so.

      Reply
  • 12. Allyson  |  December 4, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    You comments on that Andy Rooney one made me laugh so hard I cried. “like the ranting of a half-senile old bastard standing alone in his kitchen wearing one slipper.” Hilarious.

    Reply
  • 13. Swistle  |  December 4, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    ONLY YOU could take things that make me feel like throwing up and make me ALSO laugh at them. And then throw up from laughing too much. Today’s comment theme: barfing.

    Reply
  • 14. Marcy  |  December 4, 2009 at 11:59 pm

    I got that last foward too but somehow mine was missing all the asterisks. I feel a bit cheated.

    Reply
  • 15. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  December 5, 2009 at 3:17 am

    These make me really sad.

    Reply
  • 16. Simon  |  December 7, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    I never understood how anyone could wear a hat like that and still call himself “Macho.” MHe might be better off dressing up like a cop, or a cowboy, or a construction worker. Oh, wait…

    Reply
  • 17. Josh  |  December 8, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Andy Rooney is a living document…. of dust and poo…. for now.
    Merry Christmas!!

    Reply
  • 18. Mermanda  |  December 9, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    Marcy, let me help you out. You can have mine.

    *** *** *** * * ***** ****** *** ** * * * *** * * * * * * *

    (p.s. i think that was Morse code for “happy holidays”)

    Reply

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