It’s a Marshmallow World

December 21, 2009 at 5:54 pm 17 comments

Three things happened to me in the sixth grade:

  1. I got a bra;
  2. I won the school spelling bee (HOLLA!), only to lose the county bee on the word “irrelevant,” if you can believe that cock-ass bullshit. The girl before me had “dinosaur.” WHAT THE FUCK;
  3. I had to sing “It’s a Marshmallow World” in the school holiday choral concert at the local mall.

And you’d better believe I wore my IRRELEVANT BRA to the concert, oh yes I did.

I only really remember one verse to the song, but every time it snows (and I mean EVERY time), that godforsaken song gets stuck in my head. Driving to work in a blizzard? “It’s a marshmallow world in the winter…” Shoveling the sidewalk? “…when the snow comes to cover the groooouuund…” Arm snapping in half as my car careens on a sheet of ice into a snow bank?

“In winter it’s a marshmallow world!”

So you can just guess what song was running through my my ALL FUCKING WEEKEND as we weathered our first substantial snowfall of the season. I spent the weekend happily homebound, as I love nothing more than staying put and staying cozy when it’s snowy out. Oh, also? Sadie and Brad were both sick. AGAIN. So, you know, there was that.

[I was going to insert an image here, but instead I offer this PSA: Do not ever Google image search “plague.” DO NOT.]

Sadie has been coughing on and off throughout the fall, but over the past week it had gotten pretty nasty-sounding, and whenever she got worked up or cried, she sounded a little wheezy.

No, not like that.

Or that.

When she hadn’t shown any signs of improvement by Friday, we decided to take her in to the pediatrician’s office. It was then we learned from Friendly Nurse Practitioner Brenda that Sadie has RSV,* which – from what I can tell – is basically the day care version of kennel cough. We were sent away with a prescription for Albuterol and instructions to page the doctors if she developed a temperature at any point over the weekend.** When we asked about the side effects of Albuterol (which is basically the stuff they put in asthma inhalers), Brenda said, “It’ll increase her heart rate for a while, and it might make her a little wily.” Wily, huh? Well, that doesn’t sound too bad.

Spoiler alert: IT WAS BAD.

While it was true that the Albuterol did improve her breathing and make the wheezing disappear, Internet, it was like I gave my child a gallon of espresso and a few rails of blow. It was like someone came into my house at 6:45pm and replaced my sleepy, eye-rubbing baby with fucking Lindsay Lohan.

Wooo! Let’s tear this shit UP!!1!! Where’s my See’n’Say, bitches?

The first couple of hours (!!) weren’t so bad, as Sadie was in good spirits and seemed to be enjoying the high. But then, around 9pm, she started to realize how tired she was. And then she realized how her poor little wired up self was not going to let her relax. And then she realized it would be prudent to scream and cry for about 45 minutes.

Dear Albuterol: Fuck off and die.

I am happy to report that her subsequent reactions to the medicine haven’t been as extreme. Although on Saturday morning she got really, really, RILLYRILLYRILLY excited about helping Brad build her bookcase:


And then, there was the inevitable crash:

I’m just going to sit here with my eyes closed for a secondZZZZZZZZ…

This morning, the wheezing was almost completely gone, so I’m hoping that means the end of Albuterol, Baby’s First Cocaine.

Marshmallow world, indeed.

*It should be noted that I have not read that link (or ANY link) about RSV, because I am sure that 5.6 seconds into my internet research I’d find some story (told by the ubiquitous anonymous message board commenter) about how OMG my baby had RSV and had to depend on an iron lung for the rest of his life and then our house caught fire and all the puppies died and happiness was extinguished forever.

**So, yesterday evening? During the Steelers game? Sadie spiked a little temp, and being the dutiful, directions-following assholes we are, we paged the pediatrician – our lovely, wonderful pediatrician who is always so patient and attentive with Sadie. He called us back with THE BIGGEST FUCKING ATTITUDE on the face of the planet. When Brad asked him if we should go ahead and give her Motrin (we had just given her the Albuterol), Dr. AssyPants said, all snippy, “You can if you want. That’s really a management call on your part. ” Uh, NO, it’s a fucking MEDICAL call on YOUR part, seeing as how you’re the pediatrician, assholio, and YOU TOLD US TO CALL. I mean, what the fuck was up his ass? Was it because we called during the game? Because we’re some hardcore Steelers fans, but SHIT. We are now considering looking for another pediatrician.

Anyone know if he’s taking new patients?


Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

Daycaring The Week That Time Forgot

17 Comments Add your own

  • 1. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  December 21, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    I’d give the pediatrician the benefit of the doubt ONCE. If he’s lovely and attentive when you see him in person, it might be worth it to let him be an asshat ONCE over the phone.

    Also… wily? Really? Wiliness is a side effect of meds now? This is funny to me. Now, you must excuse me while I go Google search images of the plague (just before going out to dinner for my boyfriend’s birthday).

    • 2. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  December 21, 2009 at 6:46 pm

      On one of the plague photo websites, a suggested companion piece along the right side of the page is “How To Avoid Tantrums On Airplanes.”

  • 3. SF Reader  |  December 21, 2009 at 8:00 pm

    hoooo boy! I think you have just played an important part in my personal development. Evidently, when someone says “do NOT google image “plague,”” I should go ahead and let my contrary-self take a back seat and let “listen to the lady!”-self do the driving.

    • 4. jiveturkey  |  December 22, 2009 at 10:42 am

      I told yooooooooooooooou!

  • 5. kristin @ going country  |  December 21, 2009 at 8:43 pm

    In a remarkable and unintentional moment of oneness with the J.T. family, I was in a pediatrician’s office on Friday (you know, to make sure there weren’t any syringes lying around on the floor before we decide this practice is the right one to take our son to) watching some kind of health channel in the waiting room, and lo and behold, there was a segment on RSV! Something I had never heard of and something that made me realize how I was expanding my horizons by having this child.

    I think they basically said almost every child will have it by the age of three and it’s no big deal. I don’t remember any talk of iron lungs, but I could have been inspecting the floor for syringes at that point.

    • 6. Gaby  |  December 22, 2009 at 10:49 am

      Not to be a know-it-all, but RSV can be kind of a big deal in premies. Like, the kind of deal that doctors make you wonder, “Do you *really* need to leave your house with your infant from November until March?” So, yeah, normally, not a huge deal if caught early and treated in full-term behbehs, but in the early arrivers? It definitely could be.

      • 7. jiveturkey  |  December 22, 2009 at 12:42 pm

        YOU KNOW IT ALL! Hee – I kid. Yeah, the pediatrician mentioned that it’s more serious in the preemies. Damn, stupid viruses, always infecting our babies.

  • 8. Sara  |  December 21, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    Yikes. I used to use an albuterol inhaler for my asthma (sucks to your assmar!), and it would totally give me the shakes. Like my hands would shake for hours. And my heart would pound, of course (which works really well when you’re taking it before exericise; don’t know if that heart attack was exercise-induced or due to the medicine!). Poor little Sadie. I hope she’s better soon.

  • 9. Amy  |  December 21, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    When Haley was about a year old, she developed a bladder infection. We were told that she could end up losing a kidney and possibly die. In fact, she just had a fucking bladder infection and antibiotics took care of it. Hasn’t had another one since, in 3 years. Fucking doctors.

  • 10. Nev (Balkan Girl Down Under)  |  December 22, 2009 at 12:36 am

    I won the school spelling bee (HOLLA!), only to lose the county bee on the word “irrelevant,” if you can believe that cock-ass bullshit. The girl before me had “dinosaur.” WHAT THE FUCK.

    Bahahahah! This killed me because I was also a little grammar/spelling nerdlinger as a kid (wait, ‘was’?) and won many a spelling bee.

    Snap of Sadie building the shelf? Eeeeeeee! Cuteness-overload. 🙂

    “Baby’s First Cocaine” = ::hammy voiceover:: Now in Apple Sauce Form!

    Oh, and Dr AssyPants can suck it. I don’t understand why some peeps give ‘tude over the phone for no bloody reason; do they not realise how assholish they sound and that it makes us wanna, y’know, strangle them? GAH!

    Having said that, do give the poor sod another chance and see if he acts up again. Hopefully not!

    ::thumbs up::

  • 11. FoST  |  December 22, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    Management call?! Management call??!!! WTF? It’s not like you want to know if Sadie should implement the new IT upgrade or something….

  • 12. Shelly  |  December 22, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    Dinosaur? That bee was rigged and you were robbed!!!

    I’ve had albuterol before and it isn’t pretty if you aren’t used to it. I’m sorry your poor girl had to go through that.

    Your pediatrician is an asshat.

  • 13. jean  |  December 22, 2009 at 11:50 pm

    We had to give our son Albuterol once for a similar problem and he was a demon on speed. It was horrible. I feel your pain. And give the Pediatrician a second chance, he just may have had a bad day.

  • 14. sweetbird  |  December 23, 2009 at 9:29 am

    Wow. Dr. Douchebag is definitely a…well, a douche.

  • 15. TNG  |  December 30, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    Is WILY the right adjective for that state?


  • 16. HoST  |  January 4, 2010 at 11:11 am

    Just catching up on my own wife’s blog after two weeks off work, and the picture of the car on its top made me spit coffee everywhere. I love other peoples’ pain.

    I also love T-Pain.

  • 17. Encore « Jive Turkey  |  January 15, 2010 at 11:15 am

    […] checkup, during which we’ll determine if the assholish behavior our pediatrician displayed a few weeks ago was a fluke or a real concern. And…well, that’s all there is to say about that, […]


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