The Week That Time Forgot

December 29, 2009 at 2:09 pm 19 comments

The holidays have been properly celebrated at JT Headquarters, Internet, and someone I know freaking SCORED.

Sadie would like you to know that the red string on that Fisher Price phone is her favorite new toy. Yes, THE STRING. In other news, 100% of these toys play music/have flashing lights/say weird things in creepy, sing-song voices. My house is not where you want to be dropping acid in 2010, is what I am trying to say.

Now we are firmly entrenched in the year’s laziest, most pointless-to-be-at-work-because-no-one-is-doing-shit week: the seven days between Christmas and New Year’s. I never really know what to do with myself during this week. The gifts are all opened, the cookie supply is dwindling, there aren’t any more carols on the radio…but wait! The holidays aren’t over yet! But you have to let a few more days pass before you can get all festive and pop open that champagne.

$4.99 Andre pink champagne was my drink of choice for two whole years in college, and if I may be entirely honest, it still tastes way better to me than the expensive stuff. I KNOW. I am guessing this is not what they mean by “champagne taste?”

I totally plan to enjoy the ASS out of some champagne this year, as I am not currently gestating or nursing she-who-was-previously-gestating. I know I’ve mentioned the whole weaning thing here before, but – without going into too many boring details – it seems my rack didn’t fully get the message until last week sometime. So now – REALLY, this time! – things are totally over. Done. The credits are rolling. The factory has shut its doors. The chairs are on the tables.

You don’t have to go home, but you can’t nurse here.

So, hey! Did you know that when you wean, you might experience some pretty significant hormonal fluctuations reminiscent of postpartum depression? And that it will remind you of that first week after childbirth when you wanted to set yourself on fire at the thought of your precious little baby growing up? And that you’ll be completely unprepared to handle the surprisingly strong urges to lash out and be a TOTAL BITCH at the drop of a hat?

It’s fun to learn!

Ever since Brad gently suggested that maybe the flames shooting from my eyeballs were a result of the adjustment to weaning, I’ve come to the realization that he is most likely right.  For me, pregnancy was a surprisingly mellow time, hormone-wise. I felt pretty calm and well-balanced (save for a few incidents of Pregnancy Weeping). And the mellow seemed to continue postpartum, except that recently I’ve been obsessed with lamenting the swift passage of time (“I was afraid she would grow up too fast and SHE IS!”), and also – how you say? – being a MASSIVE OVER-REACTIVE IRRATIONAL BITCH-ASS WHORE.


I feel much better now that I seem to have found a culprit for my asstastic moodiness, but man. It just never stops with this baby-havin’ stuff, does it? Because in addition to sobbing over how Sadie is practically celebrating her Sweet Sixteen and applying to college, I find myself being slightly (or not-so-slightly) jealous of pregnant ladies. And I KNOW that shit ain’t hormonal. That’s just how I’m gonna roll from now on.

I like a thousand of these, captured forever in time, please.

This is not to say you can expect to soon see pictures of positive pregnancy tests around these parts (OH GOD NO), but dammit if these babies don’t have a way of making you nostalgic as hell.

BE YE FOREWARNED: Babies will make you nostalgic for a time when this box made its infamous appearance in your shopping cart. SUCH IS THE TERRIBLE POWER OF BABIES.

Alright. Enough talk of womanly things. Let us move on to the Holiday Recap!

Alternative title: “Do You Know How Damn Hard It Is to Get Decent Pictures of Small Children? HOLY SHIT.”

Our whirlwind, 3-day trip to WV was…well, whirlwind-ish. Hectic, fun, and happily (mostly) drama-free. Delicious dinners, cookies, and stuffed tigers were eaten:

Bows were placed on heads:

Cats were not let out of bags:

And dishwasher doors were tested:

You know – all the usual holiday stuff.

I was lucky enough to receive lots of gifts that fell into the FUCKING AWESOME category:

Yeah, kid, you’re great and all, but if you get sweet potatoes on my very first 100% leather purse EVER, Mommy will lock you in the pantry.

And then, last night, a Christmas miracle occurred:

Oh yes.

You’re looking at an OBAMA LAVA LAMP, my friends, that was given to us by FoST and husband. Admittedly, yes, this was a gag gift, but COME ON. Have you ever seen something so off-the-charts fucking AWESOME? I mean, the fanfare! The (almost certainly stolen) photo! THE LAVA. It’s almost too much to bear. Brad is going to take this amazing little fire hazard to his office, but not until we have a chance to show it off at the holiday gathering we’re hosting this weekend, because I CANNOT WAIT to see my Obama-dissin’ mother’s reaction when she lays her eyes on this most glorious lamp.

Oh, I mock because I love. To mock.

And now, because you have been a good little Internet all year round, I give you: BABY FEET IN DRESS SHOES WITH CHUBBY LEGS IN TIGHTS

Uh, not MY legs, HERS. Nevermind.

And the two most adorable cousins I’ve ever seen, in a photo that only took TWO HUNDRED TAKES to capture*:


*In case you’re curious, the other 199 shots looked like this:



Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

It’s a Marshmallow World Year in Review

19 Comments Add your own

  • 1. MLE  |  December 29, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    But, more importantly, how was your birthday?

    Also, I need to make some more cookies. I might send you some so they are not in our house. I hope you don’t mind.

    • 2. jiveturkey  |  December 30, 2009 at 10:22 am

      Mind? Girl, plz. And my b-day was wonderful, thanks for asking – but apparently I totally forgot to mention it here? Eh.

  • 3. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  December 29, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    I am so jealous of your Obama lava lamp! That is crazy amazing.

    And those sweet girls in their red dresses on Christmas just warm my heart. 🙂

    • 4. jiveturkey  |  December 30, 2009 at 10:23 am

      The lava lamp is second only to the Obama paper dolls (which will be given to Sadie when she will do more than just put them in her mouth).

  • 5. littleelle  |  December 29, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    NOM, NOM, NOM @ sadie

  • 6. Swistle  |  December 29, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    OMG, weaning was my WORST hormone time! Well, fine, ONE of the worst. With one of the babies, I was slumped in a chair evening after evening with tears leaking silently from my eyes, feeling like everything I’d ever done in life, including weaning, was a huge and unrepairable mistake. That was…pleasant, for all of us.

    • 7. jiveturkey  |  December 30, 2009 at 10:24 am

      Not to revel in your personal hormonally-induced hell, but I am SO GLAD to hear this just isn’t me. Because I am CRAZY up in this bitch with the crying and the moods. Yuck.

  • 8. kristin @ going country  |  December 29, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Well. It appears that in addition to making myself crazy by reading far too many books about the actual birthing (the one I’m currently reading actually has stories about–ahem–“birth goddesses.” SHOOT ME NOW), I have even MORE crazy to come after the birth. YAY!

    You sure you’re still jealous?

    • 9. jiveturkey  |  December 30, 2009 at 10:24 am

      YES, I totally AM, and that’s what makes it even craaaaaaaaazier!

  • 10. Shelly  |  December 29, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    That lamp is totally kick ass! Your grandkid is going to take it on Antiques Roadshow one day and it’ll be worth millions!

  • 11. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  December 29, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    DO NOT TOUCH kitty looks like one of my new babies! Esp. when Dog is near.
    Where the heck do you find an Obama lava lamp?


    I own a fancy purse now too! Except I have no idea why because I don’t use purses. Especially red leather(y) purses. Ah, family.

    • 12. jiveturkey  |  December 30, 2009 at 10:25 am

      Apparently, the lamp was found at Big Lots. Or, in this case, Big Lots of AWESOME.

  • 13. Marcy  |  December 29, 2009 at 10:33 pm

    Love the lava lamp! But I love those two cuties in their Christmas dresses even more! Adorable!

    Oh and I can totally relate to the whole pregnancy nostalgia. My youngest will turn one next month and I am wondering where this year went.

    • 14. jiveturkey  |  December 30, 2009 at 10:25 am

      I KNOW. I am never going to stop crying when she turns one, I think.

  • 15. Amy  |  December 29, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    Ha! Yes, so many pictures with eyes closed or looking possessed. Have gazillions of them. Wait until you have #2 (and you will) and then it’s freakin’ impossible to get them BOTH to look good at the same time. Maddening.

    • 16. Marcy  |  December 30, 2009 at 1:09 pm

      I hear ya! One is either looking away or crying or both. They need to invent something in Photoshop to correct that. Maybe call it the Sibling Correction Both of You Stop Crying and Look at Mommy feature?

  • 17. Karly  |  January 6, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    Great. Now I want ice cream.

  • 18. Karly  |  January 6, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    Aaaand, I just totally left that comment on the wrong post and I think it’s my first time commenting here so now you’re going to think I’m completely incapable of making sense or commenting properly. Damn it.

    The ice cream comment was meant for the post with the picture of the baby with the thermometer shoved up his bum. Because that makes so much more sense.

  • 19. Mermanda  |  January 6, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    My dog and your babe have something in common. They both nom stuffed tigers. Actually, Luke’s will be meeting the garbage man tomorrow. Poor guy. Never had a chance.


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