I Got Chills, They’re Multiplyin’

January 6, 2010 at 1:46 pm 21 comments

It seems that 2010 is the Year of the Travolta, Internet, because that’s pretty much how it’s been thus far.

Which is to say: CRAZY AND BLOATED.

So far this year, I have:

  1. Hosted a huge family gathering at my house;
  2. Noticed that Sadie had a temperature;
  3. Cleaned up after said huge family gathering;
  4. Noticed that Sadie still had a temperature;
  5. Made breakfast for overnight guests from huge family gathering;
  6. Hey, remember that baby I had in April? Seems she’s running a 105-DEGREE FEVER OH FUCK;
  7. Took a lively jaunt to the Children’s Hospital ER;
  8. Watched my baby get catheterized – TWICE! (I thought parents received complimentary Xanax with second catheterization; turns out I was mistaken);
  9. Was sent home from ER with unsatisfying “Golly-gosh, we don’t know WHAT’S wrong!” diagnosis;
  10. Weathered another day and a half of fevers;
  11. Weathered the official end of the Steelers’ season;
  12. Witnessed final disappearance of fevers;
  13. Just in time to come down with a fever of my very own;
  14. And to also get my first period (complete with cramps!) since June of 2008.

Here’s an honest conversation: IT BLOWS, AND ALWAYS SEEMS TO SHOW UP WHEN YOU ARE OTHERWISE SICK OR WANTING TO GET SERIOUSLY LAID.

So, I’ve been a bit busy and haven’t been online in, like, SIX DAYS, which means I haven’t had ample time to answer emails/read your blogs/respond to your comments, but let me say that I am so happy to welcome all the lovely new readers who have surfaced lately, and I promise I won’t talk about my period again.

Although I just realized that I’m going to have to talk to Sadie about this very topic someday, GODDAMMIT.

(And if that kit contains anything other than a sincere apology from Mother Nature and an airplane bottle of Grey Goose, I will be very disappointed.)

Anyway, we’re finally all back to being healthy for the time being, and now I feel like I can FINALLY get started on this 2010 business, which is…well, kind of like 2009.

But with more new episodes of Teen Mom, thank you Jaysus.

I know I’ve been seriously remiss in giving you a new Pay It Forward to mock, and I look to remedy this situation by the end of the week. Just give me a day or so to get my head back in the daily routine of work, daycare, and a schedule that does not involve taking someone’s temperature every two hours.

Here’s hoping I am able to break this habit, because it could be really awkward during meetings.

And alright, I’m just going to say it: this kid’s junk looks like something you’d get from the DQ.

Tell me I’m wrong.

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Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

Year in Review PAY IT FORWARD: “If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”

21 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Cedar  |  January 6, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    OMG!!! You and @dooce.com, that seems like a strange coincidence to read the same situation on both blogs in the same day. Anywho, here’s to hoping you weather the hormonal changes without too many disasters. Grey Goose sounds like the right fix.

    Reply
    • 2. jiveturkey  |  January 6, 2010 at 2:36 pm

      I KNOW – I read her entry just after mine. Crazy.

      Reply
  • 3. The Dirty Side Of Us  |  January 6, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    I love John….I always have and always will 🙂

    Reply
  • 4. HoST  |  January 6, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    HAHA! The DQ comment made me laugh so loud my boss asked what happened.

    Reply
  • 5. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  January 6, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    OH GOD DQ. I just peed a little.

    Reply
  • 6. kristin @ going country  |  January 6, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. It’s like the Middle Ages at your place, with all the plagues and all. Except minus the pussy lesions and, uh, death.

    Maybe not the best comparison.

    Anyway! Happy new year to all of you! I wish you a year full of unicorns and rainbows and no sickness.

    Reply
  • 7. kristin @ going country  |  January 6, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    Um. Yeah. I just realized I meant “pussy” like oozing pus, but instead, it’s um, well, like the CAT. Yeah. A CAT. NOTHING ELSE, you dirty monkeys.

    That’s been the most amusing part of my day so far. Let’s hope it gets better from here.

    Reply
    • 8. jiveturkey  |  January 6, 2010 at 4:16 pm

      HA! Well, I’m glad you clarified, because I totally did not take it to mean “oozing pus,” and I was all DAMN!

      Although “Pussy Lesions” would be an awesome name for a heavy metal band.

      Reply
      • 9. sweetbird  |  January 6, 2010 at 7:36 pm

        I was very, very confused for a moment. Thank you for the clarification. I thought Kristin’s mouth had gone all George Carlin and shit.

        I did, however, laugh so hard I almost peed myself.

      • 10. Sara  |  January 8, 2010 at 11:02 pm

        I almost threw up when I read “pussy lesions.” Holy crap.

  • 11. Amy  |  January 6, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Well, I think I’ll swear off soft-serve ice cream for a while. Thankyouverymuch.

    Reply
  • 12. Marcy  |  January 6, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    Thanks for making me laugh. I’ve had a sucky week too.

    Reply
  • 13. Laura  |  January 6, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Almost peed my pants laughing at this. I’m with you on the Teen Mom too…totally been hooked from day one of 16 and Pregnant!

    Reply
  • 14. Mermanda  |  January 6, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    You’re not wrong, you are very right. Also, very wrong.

    Reply
  • 15. JustLinda  |  January 6, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    Grey Goose and an apology. LOL Love it.

    (But it probably has a Hallmark card that says “Have a Happy Period!” with a smiley face. I hope they send it via FedEx ’cause you don’t want that shit in the post office where tensions are already high. Am I right???)

    (Also, thanks for the welcome. I’m ‘subscribed’. Glad to be here!)

    Reply
  • 16. shelli  |  January 6, 2010 at 11:56 pm

    dear G-d, woman! My children are sleeping! HOW DARE you make me laugh that hard and potentially wake them up.

    Damn it all to hell.

    Reply
  • 17. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy  |  January 7, 2010 at 1:58 am

    I’m horribly addicted to Teen Mom. I can’t quit watching it.

    Reply
  • 18. Tara  |  January 7, 2010 at 2:53 am

    Long time reader, first time comment. Sorry that you’re feeling sick! Does it help you to know that I snorted coffee (hot coffee mind you) out my nose onto my keyboard, to the disapproving looks of co-workers and the IT guy?
    Feel better soon!

    Reply
  • 19. Meg  |  January 7, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    Stupid periods…

    Reply
  • 20. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  January 10, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    Kristin – apparently you and I are the only pure-minded ones who read this blog. Sheesh!

    Reply
  • 21. Deep Thoughts: Religion « Jive Turkey  |  March 23, 2010 at 11:58 am

    […] in January, when I was stuck at home with Sadie’s mysterious fever disease, I had the change to watch […]

    Reply

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