PAY IT FORWARD: “If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”

January 7, 2010 at 3:54 pm 12 comments

Bless you if you recognize the quote in the title, because I love that movie, Internet, and I’m not ashamed to let the world know.

I am also about 99% sure that one of Sadie’s toys plays some of the soundtrack music, although that may be wishful thinking on my part.

So, if you haven’t already guessed, today’s installment of Pay It Forward! is a Very Urinary Tale of elementary school shame and one girl’s short-sighted plan to help out a sniveling little pants-wetter.

I mean, doesn’t she know? The pants-wetters among us exist solely for our enjoyment. It’s like a little stocking stuffer from God. Sure, you may have lost your job this year, but at least you didn’t mess yourself like this dipshit. Enjoy!

Many thanks to D Rock for this most excellent (and slightly damp) forward. Let’s begin (my comments in italics):

Subject: Who is the Susie in your life?

FUCK YES.

Well, as far as story titles go, this forward has got it nailed. I mean, I’m sure as shit gonna read a story entitled “Wet Pants,” and that’s all there is to it.

Ah yes, “Come with me to a third grade classroom…” It’s how all the classics start. (At least those that end in not being able to live within 100 feet of a playground.)

Also, I declare shenanigans on NINE-YEAR-OLD Goldy Mc Showers up there. He “cannot possibly imagine” how he came to piss his pants? REALLY? I’m guessing if you fast-forward about ten years or so, he’ll be trying to work the “Sorry, I have NO IDEA how that happened/It’s never happened before!” angle on some poor (not to mention unsatisfied) woman.

God’s all, “Oh, sure, lemme just ignore these cries of agony from Darfur right-quick so I can help YOU and your FIRST-WORLD URINE PROBLEM, you little prick. Like, how about USING THE SPHINCTER I GAVE YOU next time? Gah.”

Discovered? Discovered! Like Lana Turner in the drugstore! (But with decidedly more pee!)

Y’know, she was just carrying around a fish-less goldfish bowl of water, like everyone did in third grade, whatever.

And the Lord respondeth, “You’re welcome, but how’s about not being a total dick to Susie next time?”

So, exactly WHEN in the HISTORY OF TIME did third-graders gladly pitch in to clean up a mess instead of just laughing at the people involved? Doesn’t this fucking school have janitors?

…and then they use her glasses to start a fire and Piggy is murdered and the naval officer shows up, but it was TOO LATE.

And the boy says, “EW! Get away from me, you PANTS-WETTER! HAHAHA!”

Whoa, what? Is the story over now? Buckle up, Internet. It’s ham-fisted lesson time.

It does TOO make me a car! VROOM!

Wait: each and everyone-one? Or just each and every one?

Also, I really hope God isn’t planning to bless me in a way that includes dumping a bowlful of slimy algae water in my lap.

Next there’s just a bunch of boring instructions about forwarding this atrocious story along with an accompanying prayer:

OK.

I wasn’t even going to include the prayer, because I didn’t really want to snark on someone’s prayer, but…their goings and their comings?

COME ON.

That wraps up today’s installment of PAY IT FORWARD! I hope you learned a valuable lesson: if someone ever helps you in your time of need, please feel free to let them be mocked and shunned while you rake in the benefits.

Thanks for taking the fall for Ol’ Pee-Pants, Suze!

In other little girl news: guess who cut her top two front teeth?

HINT: She is the same person who recently perfected her Sears catalog pose.


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Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.

I Got Chills, They’re Multiplyin’ Nine Months

12 Comments Add your own

  • 1. HoST  |  January 7, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Ha! I love that pic of Sadie. She looks like she’s ready for karate class.

    Reply
  • 2. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  January 7, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    I didn’t know I could learn so many valuable lessons from pissing your pants. Thanks, Christians!

    Reply
  • 3. Amy  |  January 7, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    Billy Madison.

    Is there a pay-it-forward e-mail chain that doesn’t involve god? Jesus H Christ on a popsicle stick.

    Reply
  • 4. TNG  |  January 7, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    I want to stand in a bank and become MONEY.

    Cha-CHING!

    Reply
  • 5. JustLinda  |  January 7, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Hey! That story was PRIVATE! I never gave permission… er, ha! That was so funny. That kid, what a tool, huh? {paranoid}

    I never even WENT to school. True story.

    Reply
  • 6. MLE  |  January 7, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Pants-wetting is one thing, but nobody ever lives down the dreaded classroom-vomit episode!

    Reply
  • 7. Sara  |  January 7, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    Somebody call the zoo!

    Reply
  • 8. sweetbird  |  January 8, 2010 at 9:45 am

    All I could think about while reading that is that those kids that were helping to clean up the “goldfish bowl water” were really cleaning up pee. Gross.

    Also, it’s shit like this that made me an atheist.

    Reply
    • 9. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  January 10, 2010 at 3:29 pm

      Me, too! (the pee-water, not the atheist part… I haven’t quite come out of the closet on that yet)

      Reply
  • 10. kristin @ going country  |  January 8, 2010 at 10:11 am

    Okay. I’ll start praying again once my fishbowl full of filthy fish water is poured from heaven.

    Wait. Maybe this snow blowing around is just FROZEN FISHBOWL WATER.

    Praise the Lord!

    Reply
  • 11. Becky  |  January 8, 2010 at 10:38 am

    Is it wrong that I nearly peed my pants reading this?

    Reply
  • 12. Laura  |  January 15, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    HAHAHAHAHA, I’m peeing my own pants over here and I think I know why…I think. Where do you find this stuff?

    Reply

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