PAY IT FORWARD: “If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”
Bless you if you recognize the quote in the title, because I love that movie, Internet, and I’m not ashamed to let the world know.
So, if you haven’t already guessed, today’s installment of Pay It Forward! is a Very Urinary Tale of elementary school shame and one girl’s short-sighted plan to help out a sniveling little pants-wetter.
I mean, doesn’t she know? The pants-wetters among us exist solely for our enjoyment. It’s like a little stocking stuffer from God. Sure, you may have lost your job this year, but at least you didn’t mess yourself like this dipshit. Enjoy!
Many thanks to D Rock for this most excellent (and slightly damp) forward. Let’s begin (my comments in italics):
Subject: Who is the Susie in your life?
Well, as far as story titles go, this forward has got it nailed. I mean, I’m sure as shit gonna read a story entitled “Wet Pants,” and that’s all there is to it.
Ah yes, “Come with me to a third grade classroom…” It’s how all the classics start. (At least those that end in not being able to live within 100 feet of a playground.)
Also, I declare shenanigans on NINE-YEAR-OLD Goldy Mc Showers up there. He “cannot possibly imagine” how he came to piss his pants? REALLY? I’m guessing if you fast-forward about ten years or so, he’ll be trying to work the “Sorry, I have NO IDEA how that happened/It’s never happened before!” angle on some poor (not to mention unsatisfied) woman.
God’s all, “Oh, sure, lemme just ignore these cries of agony from Darfur right-quick so I can help YOU and your FIRST-WORLD URINE PROBLEM, you little prick. Like, how about USING THE SPHINCTER I GAVE YOU next time? Gah.”
Discovered? Discovered! Like Lana Turner in the drugstore! (But with decidedly more pee!)
Y’know, she was just carrying around a fish-less goldfish bowl of water, like everyone did in third grade, whatever.
And the Lord respondeth, “You’re welcome, but how’s about not being a total dick to Susie next time?”
So, exactly WHEN in the HISTORY OF TIME did third-graders gladly pitch in to clean up a mess instead of just laughing at the people involved? Doesn’t this fucking school have janitors?
…and then they use her glasses to start a fire and Piggy is murdered and the naval officer shows up, but it was TOO LATE.
And the boy says, “EW! Get away from me, you PANTS-WETTER! HAHAHA!”
Whoa, what? Is the story over now? Buckle up, Internet. It’s ham-fisted lesson time.
It does TOO make me a car! VROOM!
Wait: each and everyone-one? Or just each and every one?
Also, I really hope God isn’t planning to bless me in a way that includes dumping a bowlful of slimy algae water in my lap.
Next there’s just a bunch of boring instructions about forwarding this atrocious story along with an accompanying prayer:
I wasn’t even going to include the prayer, because I didn’t really want to snark on someone’s prayer, but…their goings and their comings?
That wraps up today’s installment of PAY IT FORWARD! I hope you learned a valuable lesson: if someone ever helps you in your time of need, please feel free to let them be mocked and shunned while you rake in the benefits.
In other little girl news: guess who cut her top two front teeth?
HINT: She is the same person who recently perfected her Sears catalog pose.
Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.