PAY IT FORWARD: Men Are Stupid, Women Are Shallow, And Terrorists Are Going To Kill Us All

January 20, 2010 at 12:56 pm 27 comments

Greetings, Internet! Welcome to PAY IT FORWARD! Apologies in advance for all the virtual vitriol I am about to spew your way, but the forwards in today’s installment are so ignorant, they make Gomer Pyle look like Carl fucking Sagan.*

“Well, sur-prise sur-prise! Fanatical ethnic or religious or national chauvinisms are a little difficult to maintain when we see our planet as a fragile blue crescent fading to become an inconspicuous point of light against the bastion and citadel of the stars. GAWRSH!”

Both of these forwards came to me courtesy of a Well-Meaning Relative, and OMG Internet, I SO BADLY wanted to do the forbidden “reply all” to this first one, because it is TOTAL FEAR-MONGERING BULLSHIT, and does nothing but get gullible people all worked up over TOTAL LIES and I guess you can tell that this, in turn, gets ME all worked up. I’m not going to share the entire thing because it’s wordy and hellaciously long, but I’ll be sure to give you the very best excerpts:

FW: Tr: FW: TERRORISM……..SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

Oh, HA. There is no thinking going on here, my friends. Just fear, and ellipsis diarrhea.

A must-read, indeed! I mean, I know when I want to educate myself, I look no further than my fucking Gmail.

Also, if you’re not American or Canadian, please look away. We don’t care if y’all get blowed up.

So, Snopes tells us that some of the background on Juval Aviv is correct, albeit exaggerated. But hold on tight! It’s about to get all kinds of false in here.

OMG FEAR! CONSPIRACY! AREA 51! LEE HARVEY OSWALD!

OOOO! Spooky! And never fucking happened!

Guess what! He actually did say this. IN JULY OF FUCKING 2005.

Which begs the question: does anyone who gets this forward actually believe they are getting breaking news?

Sadly, I already know the answer to that.

The forward goes on to talk about Aviv’s supposed views on the weaknesses in our “reactionary” strategies to terrorist attacks, especially as they relate to air travel. It seems America is way behind the game when it comes to air security, because:

Hi, I have been to Israel, and I can say with absolute certainty that no, they did not check my bags before I entered the airport.

I want to clarify that security WAS much tighter inside the airport than I’ve ever seen in the U.S., and that my trip was in 2006, so things might have changed, and…you know what? Why the fuck am I bothering to explain myself in the face of this stupid forward?

Haha! Oh, I love this. Because it basically boils down to: TERRORISTS ARE GOING TO BLOW UP EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE. EVERYBODY PANIC!

Did you catch that? Here’s your proof that this email is total bullshit, most likely written by someone who thinks Sarah Palin is neat-o: that little dig about global warming and political correctness becoming “totally irrelevant.” I mean, WHAT? Terrorists are going to try to blow us up, THEREFORE I will ignite a giant pile of tires and refer to all my Asian coworkers as “Chinese people.” Sounds like a plan!

Next, there’s a bunch of shit about how the “impending” attacks will go down, and also a lot of PANIC! PANIC! PANIC! about needing to have a plan in place in case there is an attack and you can’t reach your family via phone or email. And actually, that last part is a good idea in general (and when presented separately from this hysteria-laden horseshit), and Brad and I used to have a few designated emergency places to meet throughout the city when we lived in New York. We haven’t made a plan for Pittsburgh, though. Hm. Hey Brad, just meet me here:

MMM…national emergency…

And now, the final paragraph:

Somewhere, Bill Jones is pissed.

Alright. Now onto our next forward, in case you haven’t already fulfilled your daily allowance of annoyance.

FW: Men are just happier people…

I’m sorry, what? I’m in shock over witnessing proper ellipsis use.

I’m also going to just highlight parts of this email, because if I post it in its entirety, you all may never speak to me again.

Oh, yes. We’re in tired ol’ gender stereotype land, Internet. Buckle up.

Also, as a woman who has friends I refer to as “Boobs,” “Hutch,” and “M-Love,” I take offense. In addition, fuck you, forward.

HAR HAR WOMEN ARE CHEAP AND PETTY.

Again: fuck you, forward.

HAR HAR DUMB VAGINAS BUYING SHIT THEY DON’T NEED.

Silly me! All this time I’ve been worried about things like cancer and nuclear war and job security, and it turns out I didn’t need to fret because I’m married!

Sigh.

I was going to write a big tirade here, but it can all be summed up by saying: GROSS.

Yes, ladies, that stupid, hulking oaf you married will still be a stupid, hulking oaf in five years! Good thing he gives you lots of money to spend on things you don’t need!

And DUDES: That chick you married? Will probably get fat.

Author of This Forward, please come to my house on any given weekend, and you will see just how dressed up I get to do any of those things. HINT: no bras are involved.

Remember that chick you married who got fat? She’s also ugly in the morning.

Got it, guys? We don’t expect you to take an interest in the kid you had with your hideous, fat wife. In fact, we think it’s funny! And when your daughter goes and screws the entire football team because of her deep-seated Daddy issues, it’ll be HILARIOUS!

OK, that’s it. I promise. I know this was a marathon of an entry, Internet, and I commend your wherewithal. Thanks to all of you who have been forwarding me craptacular forwards – keep them coming! Our work is not done until we’ve verbally bashed every last glittery graphic your Aunt Carol sent with her very best intentions.

How dare you, Carol.

*I was friends with Carl Sagan’s niece in junior high, and at the time I was not terribly impressed because – let’s face it – her uncle was CARL SAGAN and not, say, JORDAN KNIGHT. I am sad that I am just now discovering how truly awesome Carl Sagan was. I mean, really. Go read. What up, Carl?

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Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.

The Play’s The Thing Q & A

27 Comments Add your own

  • 1. kristin @ going country  |  January 20, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    Uh. I had so much to respond to in this (terrorists blowing up rural America? good luck blending in and hatching your dastardly plot in a place where someone WHITE but from NEW YORK CITY is identified as an outsider and treated with suspicion), but then I got totally sidetracked by that insane man vs. woman thing. I was just reading a book. I am wearing my husband’s sweatpants. Does that qualify as dressed up?

    Reply
    • 2. jiveturkey  |  January 21, 2010 at 11:39 am

      That qualifies as AWESOME.

      Reply
  • 3. Alyce  |  January 20, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    omg
    you should have replied to all

    Reply
    • 4. jiveturkey  |  January 21, 2010 at 11:36 am

      I think so too. But then she might stop sending me forwards, and then WHAT WOULD I MOCK?

      Reply
  • 5. simon  |  January 20, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    The thing about women marrying a man and expecting him to change… I have a story.

    I was on my honeymoon with my wife (EX-wife, excuse me), and we were about to have dinner in a secluded, romantic place with candles and a fireplace while the rain and thunder stormed outside, and as we were enjoying our appetizer, she said to me (this is a direct quote, which was burned into my brain word for word for all eternity), “You know, now that we’re married, you can’t dress like that anymore.”

    GAGHHH!

    “Oh no she di’nt!” You say, “Not on your honeymoon!”.

    “Oh yes,” I reply. “She did. On our honeymoon.”

    Fin.

    Reply
    • 6. sweetbird  |  January 20, 2010 at 5:21 pm

      I say this as a married woman: I would’ve poked that chick right in the eye with one of those candles.

      Reply
    • 7. jiveturkey  |  January 21, 2010 at 10:18 am

      WOW. Just…wow. Did you check under the table to see if Ben Stiller was hiding there? Because that is some slapstick comedy bullshit right there.

      (And I don’t think I’ve ever said this to anyone before, but OMG way to go with that divorce.)

      Reply
  • 8. Shelly  |  January 20, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Oh my holy hell. I get this kind of shit from my grandmother and neighbors all the damn time. I don’t read it, I don’t scan it, I just hit delete and move on because otherwise I think I might have an aneurysm.

    Reply
  • 9. Laura  |  January 20, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    I was actually getting fired up about the Men vs. Women piece. but the best was how men wake up as good looking as they went to bed! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I have a newsflash: just because you’re a man doesn’t mean your good looking

    Reply
    • 10. simon  |  January 20, 2010 at 6:06 pm

      It’s a carefully worded point. In fact, we all wake up as ugly as we went to bed.

      The point is identical, but the working is more honest.

      Reply
  • 11. hillary  |  January 20, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    As a Canadian I find it really obnoxious that I’m told it’s an absolute must read for me and then all of the examples of blowy-upy places are American. Fuck that! We have blow uppable places in Canada, thank you.

    Reply
    • 12. sweetbird  |  January 20, 2010 at 5:24 pm

      Most of my family lives in Canada (I’m the only one that was bron in the US), and I can’t tell you how hilarious I find it that the most offense you took to that forward was that Canada might not be important enough to blow up.

      I love Canada.

      Reply
    • 13. jiveturkey  |  January 21, 2010 at 11:35 am

      They don’t want to bother blowing you guys up, because you’ll all just go and heal with your widely available healthcare, thus taking the fun out of it.

      Reply
  • 14. sweetbird  |  January 20, 2010 at 5:23 pm

    1. I loved watching Gomer Pyle with my dad when I was a kid – thank you for that piece of nostalgia. I remember nothing from it except for the crazy-ass voice that would probably give me a migraine today.

    2. Ever since seeing it on the Food Network TA has been obsessed with one day going to Primanti Brothers – to the point of putting french fries on all of his sandwiches. If we ever make it up to PA I promise that we will take the three of you to lunch there.

    3. Those glitter graphics make me want to cut my wrists.

    Reply
    • 15. jiveturkey  |  January 21, 2010 at 11:34 am

      If you make it to Pittsburgh, Primanti’s is on me. It’s best enjoyed after 1am, with at least 4 beers in your system. Hope this won’t be a problem.

      Reply
      • 16. sweetbird  |  January 21, 2010 at 9:55 pm

        Make it 5 and we have a deal. TA doesn’t drink so I always try to make up for it.

  • 17. Swistle  |  January 21, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    I just laugh and die all the way through these posts. I wish I had you doing the Greek chorus for ALL such emails I receive, and for the occasional conversations as well.

    Reply
    • 18. jiveturkey  |  January 21, 2010 at 4:15 pm

      Girl, I wanna be your Greek chorus.

      Reply
  • 19. Swistle  |  January 21, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    (I don’t think “Greek chorus” is what I mean there, but I thought for, like, two full minutes and couldn’t come up with what I DID mean, so Greek chorus it is.)

    Reply
  • 20. Swistle  |  January 21, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Also, I would like to know what good it does to forward the first email. Like, in what way does forwarding it prevent people from being terroristed to death? In what context would I be thinking, “If only I’d forwarded this email, this bad thing would not have happened”?

    I SAY “I would like to know,” but actually I would not.

    Reply
    • 21. jiveturkey  |  January 21, 2010 at 4:15 pm

      LOL

      Reply
  • 22. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  January 21, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    Dear baby Jesus, please don’t let the terrorists blow up the casinos in Las Vegas. Especially the Mirage. My retirement plan involves the nickel slots. Love, CFoST

    Reply
  • 23. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  January 21, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Soooo… if the man spent $2 for a $1 item, and the woman spent $1 for a $2 item, how does that make the woman the dumb one in this scenario?

    Reply
  • 24. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  January 22, 2010 at 1:25 am

    Who gets dressed up to answer the phone? How is there TIME?

    Reply
  • 25. Tara  |  January 22, 2010 at 10:09 am

    OMG I actually got this email!! Gah. I nobly restrained from killing the sender, but only because she makes nice chocolate cake.
    I have a ton of nasty forwards from another friend of mine….can I spread the love a little send them to you for bashing? They have sparkly kittens some of them…

    Reply
    • 26. jiveturkey  |  January 22, 2010 at 10:15 am

      OMG PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!

      Reply
  • 27. ponygirl  |  January 23, 2010 at 1:07 am

    These posts are making me wish I still had friends/family who sent me forwards. Just so I could send them to you.

    Reply

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