PAY IT FORWARD: Men Are Stupid, Women Are Shallow, And Terrorists Are Going To Kill Us All
Greetings, Internet! Welcome to PAY IT FORWARD! Apologies in advance for all the virtual vitriol I am about to spew your way, but the forwards in today’s installment are so ignorant, they make Gomer Pyle look like Carl fucking Sagan.*
“Well, sur-prise sur-prise! Fanatical ethnic or religious or national chauvinisms are a little difficult to maintain when we see our planet as a fragile blue crescent fading to become an inconspicuous point of light against the bastion and citadel of the stars. GAWRSH!”
Both of these forwards came to me courtesy of a Well-Meaning Relative, and OMG Internet, I SO BADLY wanted to do the forbidden “reply all” to this first one, because it is TOTAL FEAR-MONGERING BULLSHIT, and does nothing but get gullible people all worked up over TOTAL LIES and I guess you can tell that this, in turn, gets ME all worked up. I’m not going to share the entire thing because it’s wordy and hellaciously long, but I’ll be sure to give you the very best excerpts:
FW: Tr: FW: TERRORISM……..SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
Oh, HA. There is no thinking going on here, my friends. Just fear, and ellipsis diarrhea.
A must-read, indeed! I mean, I know when I want to educate myself, I look no further than my fucking Gmail.
Also, if you’re not American or Canadian, please look away. We don’t care if y’all get blowed up.
So, Snopes tells us that some of the background on Juval Aviv is correct, albeit exaggerated. But hold on tight! It’s about to get all kinds of false in here.
OOOO! Spooky! And never fucking happened!
Which begs the question: does anyone who gets this forward actually believe they are getting breaking news?
Sadly, I already know the answer to that.
The forward goes on to talk about Aviv’s supposed views on the weaknesses in our “reactionary” strategies to terrorist attacks, especially as they relate to air travel. It seems America is way behind the game when it comes to air security, because:
Hi, I have been to Israel, and I can say with absolute certainty that no, they did not check my bags before I entered the airport.
I want to clarify that security WAS much tighter inside the airport than I’ve ever seen in the U.S., and that my trip was in 2006, so things might have changed, and…you know what? Why the fuck am I bothering to explain myself in the face of this stupid forward?
Haha! Oh, I love this. Because it basically boils down to: TERRORISTS ARE GOING TO BLOW UP EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE. EVERYBODY PANIC!
Did you catch that? Here’s your proof that this email is total bullshit, most likely written by someone who thinks Sarah Palin is neat-o: that little dig about global warming and political correctness becoming “totally irrelevant.” I mean, WHAT? Terrorists are going to try to blow us up, THEREFORE I will ignite a giant pile of tires and refer to all my Asian coworkers as “Chinese people.” Sounds like a plan!
Next, there’s a bunch of shit about how the “impending” attacks will go down, and also a lot of PANIC! PANIC! PANIC! about needing to have a plan in place in case there is an attack and you can’t reach your family via phone or email. And actually, that last part is a good idea in general (and when presented separately from this hysteria-laden horseshit), and Brad and I used to have a few designated emergency places to meet throughout the city when we lived in New York. We haven’t made a plan for Pittsburgh, though. Hm. Hey Brad, just meet me here:
And now, the final paragraph:
Somewhere, Bill Jones is pissed.
Alright. Now onto our next forward, in case you haven’t already fulfilled your daily allowance of annoyance.
FW: Men are just happier people…
I’m sorry, what? I’m in shock over witnessing proper ellipsis use.
I’m also going to just highlight parts of this email, because if I post it in its entirety, you all may never speak to me again.
Oh, yes. We’re in tired ol’ gender stereotype land, Internet. Buckle up.
Also, as a woman who has friends I refer to as “Boobs,” “Hutch,” and “M-Love,” I take offense. In addition, fuck you, forward.
HAR HAR WOMEN ARE CHEAP AND PETTY.
Again: fuck you, forward.
HAR HAR DUMB VAGINAS BUYING SHIT THEY DON’T NEED.
Silly me! All this time I’ve been worried about things like cancer and nuclear war and job security, and it turns out I didn’t need to fret because I’m married!
I was going to write a big tirade here, but it can all be summed up by saying: GROSS.
Yes, ladies, that stupid, hulking oaf you married will still be a stupid, hulking oaf in five years! Good thing he gives you lots of money to spend on things you don’t need!
And DUDES: That chick you married? Will probably get fat.
Author of This Forward, please come to my house on any given weekend, and you will see just how dressed up I get to do any of those things. HINT: no bras are involved.
Remember that chick you married who got fat? She’s also ugly in the morning.
Got it, guys? We don’t expect you to take an interest in the kid you had with your hideous, fat wife. In fact, we think it’s funny! And when your daughter goes and screws the entire football team because of her deep-seated Daddy issues, it’ll be HILARIOUS!
OK, that’s it. I promise. I know this was a marathon of an entry, Internet, and I commend your wherewithal. Thanks to all of you who have been forwarding me craptacular forwards – keep them coming! Our work is not done until we’ve verbally bashed every last glittery graphic your Aunt Carol sent with her very best intentions.
How dare you, Carol.
*I was friends with Carl Sagan’s niece in junior high, and at the time I was not terribly impressed because – let’s face it – her uncle was CARL SAGAN and not, say, JORDAN KNIGHT. I am sad that I am just now discovering how truly awesome Carl Sagan was. I mean, really. Go read. What up, Carl?
Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.