January 28, 2010 at 2:01 pm 43 comments

Brad and I watched District 9 Tuesday night. Brad had already seen it, and predicted that I would find the little alien child cute.

Which I totally did, even though he looked like this. Who’s mama’s little tentacle-face? Who? WHO?

I really enjoyed the movie, although I found it thoroughly depressing because – for me, at least – it was a 110-minute long illustration of how much people can suck.

Other illustrations include “middle school,” “air travel,” and “the existence of Joe Francis.”

Expanding on the “People are Dickheads” theme, I bring you today’s installment of PAY IT FORWARD! I debated using this forward (submitted by reader Dana) for days because it’s almost too disgusting to be funny. But I finally decided that putting it up in an open forum to be soundly mocked was the only way to handle it, and after you see it, you’ll understand why. Brace yourselves, Internet. This isn’t going to be pretty:

FWD: Buchanan to Obama

Oh, friends, how I scoured and the rest of the Internet hoping to find that this was actually written by an inbred mouthbreather who rubs one out while reading Going Rogue and not a prominent political figure, but no such luck. It was, instead, confirmed in full that Pat Buchanan wrote this shit, and you can see it on his very own website under the classy title “A Brief for Whitey.”

On second thought, this WAS written by an inbred mouthbreather who rubs one out while reading Going Rogue. My bad.

Please note the convenient photo identification, just in case there was any doubt that the following pile of horseshit was written by an old white dude.

First of all, let me explain that if I were to caption all of these screenshots with my actual reactions, they would all read “HAHAHAHA!” and/or “H’WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!”

In this case, I really enjoyed the idea that white people are the “silent” majority in this country. Yeah, we barely say a word as we make up almost all of the government and head most major corporations.

Oh, and as a white person, let me come right out and say THESE ARE NOT MY CONVICTIONS, GRIEVANCES AND DEMANDS, so go fuck yourself, P-Buch.

Buchanan is referring to Jeremiah Wright.

He also just wrote – in seriousness – that being dragged to America AS SLAVES was the best thing to ever happen to black people.

My face is doing this right now.

Where is my thank-you card for years of slave auctions, segregation, and that rad, crime-infested ghetto, black America?! Rude.

Just to recap: black kids don’t deserve scholarships, and white people shouldn’t have to concern themselves with the silly societal challenges of any of their fellow Americans who had the audacity to be born not-white.

My face is doing this right now.

Now, I’m no math whiz, but doesn’t it stand to reason that white people would make up the majority of crime victims in this country, seeing as how they also make up THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY?

Is he really, honestly trying to imply that black-on-white crime is the “ugliest manifestation” of racism in this country? Because a few other things spring to mind when I think “ugliest manifestation of racism” before that one time a black guy broke into some white guy’s car and stole his CDs.

Also: is intra-racial crime somehow better? Can I please drag Pat Buchanan by the ankles from my pickup truck in order to find out?

Internet, I have tried about 17 times to properly articulate my enraged response to this, and I just can’t do it. I just…how can you argue with something this ridiculous? The amount of delusion and hate and fucking entitlement in this paragraph alone is astounding. Sorry, I am trying to be funny, but this forward is wearing me down.

Oh, civil rights are SO 40 years ago, Barack!

And don’t forget, everyone: it’s all about tax dollars. Fuck being a decent human being to your fellow man – it’s all about money! That’s what Jesus said, wasn’t it?

Actually, Pat, you motherfucking pathetic excuse for a Christian and a human being, America is a nation built on FREEDOM OF RELIGION and SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE. Why is it so hard for people to fucking understand that? And why are ignorant cocksuckers like Pat Buchanan trying to convince everyone that Obama is somehow a threat to Christianity? Is he driving around on Sunday mornings, coffee in hand, locking the doors to local churches? Is he building shrines to Satan in the Rose Garden? Ladies and gentlemen, I’m just a caveman. Someone please explain this to me.

Funny, because I’m also for a better America, but I have a feeling Pat Buchanan’s “better America” involves a lot more burning crosses.

OK, Internet. It’s over. And perhaps it’s the large amount of coffee I ingested this morning, but I am about to fucking FLY OUT OF MY SKIN WITH RAGE over here. I’ve been reading and re-reading this email for over a week now, and I still get so angry about it I could chew my monitor in half. I hope I didn’t ruin your day or anything. Please help me dampen the fury by leaving your very best scathing remarks to Pat Buchanan in the comments. And if you happen to agree with Pat Buchanan’s words in this forward, please leave a comment so we can all mock you.


Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.


43 Comments Add your own

  • 1. MLE  |  January 28, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    There…there are no words. Flames, flames on the side of my face.


    If someone I know ever, ever, ever, had the audacity to send me something like that via email I would never speak to that person again. WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK?

    • 2. Miss Michelle  |  January 29, 2010 at 12:03 am

      Yea, a Madeline Kahn quote! I **hearted** her 🙂

      • 3. jiveturkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:13 am

        Me too!

        One of the best movie moments of all time, in my opinion.

  • 4. gina  |  January 28, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    you are the funniest person on the internet. at least today. this was awesome.

    • 5. jiveturkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:13 am

      Thanks! And will you please indulge me for a moment so that I can say:
      “Damn, Gina!”

      (thank you)

  • 6. Kylan  |  January 28, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    Amen, JT.

    • 7. jiveturkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:14 am

      Would the Quakers have a problem with me setting fire to Pat Buchanan’s hair?

  • 8. hillary  |  January 28, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    sorry, dude. I couldn’t force myself to read past the first paragraph. it just felt too dirty.

    • 9. jiveturkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:13 am


  • 10. TNG  |  January 28, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    I love how you tried SO HARD to keep it funny and you were doing well! And then you just…kind of…melted down into a pool of motherfuckers and cocksuckers.

    And that is why I love you.

    I have NOTHING to say to Pat Buchanan because any time I try to think of something to say to that cocksuckingmotherfucker my brain jams up like a fucking Smucker’s factory.

    • 11. jiveturkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:15 am

      I didn’t really notice my meltdown until you pointed it out, and now I am finding great amusement in it. As Brad will tell you, that is pretty much how I melt down in person, too.

  • 12. SF Reader  |  January 28, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    I don’t have anything funny to say because it’s not a funny situation.

    But this is a topic that I think a lot… well, specifically: how can I be an active participant in stopping cycles of hatred and misunderstanding. And even though it’s no. fun. at. all., what I keep coming to, again and again, is that the only way to actually be a positive agent for change is to not hate Pat Buchannan and — going even farther — acknowledge that he is a valuable person. (Frequently incorrect, but not hate-worthy.)

    • 13. Employee of SF Reader  |  January 29, 2010 at 5:29 pm

      That’s funny (event though you specifically said it’s not funny) because I was contemplating the same thing while reading the post. We’re officially dammed California hippies.

  • 14. SF Reader  |  January 28, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    Hm. I wrote that fast and just re-read and noticed that could have been a WHOLE LOT clearer. Just pretend that I’d done a better job with articulating that comment.. and assume that I didn’t mean that we can stop all cycles of violence just by not hating P-Buch.

    • 15. jiveturkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:17 am

      I get it, and you’re right.

  • 16. Swistle  |  January 28, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    Imma gonna go ahead and hate Pat Buchanan. Because that guy is evil, and I do hate me some evil.

    • 17. jiveturkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:19 am

      Good point.

  • 18. sweetbird  |  January 28, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    That whole Christian nation thing gets me every time. You know, and the other stuff.

    I’m trying to figure out how to work ‘shit casserole’ into this comment but I’m just not that creative right now.

    Oh wait, I just did.

    • 19. jiveturkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:20 am

      That’s the beauty of “shit casserole.” So easy to work into any conversation.

  • 20. sweetbird  |  January 28, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    Also, I was totally in love with the little alien baby too.

    And I walked out of that movie seething with hatred for all mankind.

  • 21. Amy  |  January 28, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

    • 22. jiveturkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:20 am

      That’s always a danger with Pay It Forward, my friend.

  • 23. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  January 28, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    I may have mentioned this before in comments on another post, but a person I knew in college and by whom I was friended on Facebook posted a rant back around Christmastime about all the things that are wrong with the world and America, one of which was the increasing lack of religious freedom. This from the person who also regularly posts that she wants us all to pray for her efforts to “save” some friends of hers who have not yet seen the light of Christ. I’ve had so many debates with her about the whole “religious freedom” thing and what it REALLY means… I just… oh, Mithra, help me…

    • 24. jiveturkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:22 am

      Facebook is PRIME breeding ground for such rants, and it’s so hard to resist getting involved. Brad got roped into one yesterday, in which a complete stranger called him “wicked” and basically accused him of being a Nazi (!!) and a horrible father. Go, social media!

  • 25. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  January 28, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    Oh, and Pat Buchanan is possibly the only person on Planet Earth who could NOT find that little alien kid cute.

  • 26. Simon  |  January 28, 2010 at 11:39 pm

    I’d like P-Buch to have an experience like the dude in The Twilight Zone Movie, where he has to be black for a little while.

    Whitey would change his mind if he had to be Blackie for a day.

    My relatives are mostly racists, and it pisses me off that Pat gives these fuckers ammunition.

    • 27. jiveturkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:27 am

      WORD. We have some of those relatives too.

  • 28. -R-  |  January 28, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    Well, the pictures of your daughter were adorably hilarious. I can’t really respond to the rest of this because it really is that bad. Whoa.

  • 29. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  January 29, 2010 at 1:06 am

    Britain is officially a Christian nation, and they practice religious tolerance. 😐

    • 30. jiveturkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:29 am

      P-Buch would SO move there if it wasn’t for the whole “religious tolerance” bit.

  • 31. kristin @ going country  |  January 29, 2010 at 9:25 am

    It might be better for the blood pressure of all concerned if we just focus on Sadie’s photos for awhile instead.

    I love that kid.

    • 32. jiveturkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:30 am

      Aw. Me too 🙂

  • 33. Alyce  |  January 29, 2010 at 10:17 am

    All I can say is:

    1. The alien kid was adorable;
    2. Isn’t Obama a christian?
    3. If one more christian zealot tries to tell me that this nation was founded to be a christian nation, I’m going to take the writings of our forefathers ad smack them across the head.

    • 34. jiveturkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 11:32 am

      Yes, Obama IS a Christian, but he’s also brown, so he must REALLY be a Muslim.

  • 35. Dana  |  January 29, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Oh How I wish I could send your site to the person who sent me this GODAWFUL FWD. It was painful to read it again. I am still appauled and I cant even discuss it with the person who sent it to me. Im glad there are 33 comments here to show me that I am right in thinking this is delusional crazy town insane stuff. I also can’t believe it was actually true that he said this… WTH

    I love how you can incorporate pictures of sadie into such an awful mess and its still cute!

    Racists relatives are the worst. thing. ever.

  • 36. Mermanda  |  January 29, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Great. Now I have to sit here gnawing on my desk until “family friend” with the itchy “forward finger” sends me this little beauty. I usually just delete them, but this one will warrant a reply. Something along the lines of “I know you hate black people but I don’t. So please keep your hatred to yourself. You $#%^&#@#@$#$^#$@##$!!!

  • 37. Marcy  |  January 29, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    All I can say is… ugh. At least there were some cute Sadie pics.

  • 38. Holly Jane  |  January 29, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    Cocksucker is such a great word, isn’t it? Now I’ll be saying it all day. “Can I renew my book?” “Sure, here you go, cocksucker!” “Do you have any more Tim LaHaye books?” “God no, he’s such a cocksucker.” Thanks!

  • 39. Laura  |  January 29, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Holy BALLS this makes my skin crawl! Speechless and indignant!!

  • 40. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  January 29, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    I love how Pat Buchanan is on a first name only basis w/ the President, referring to him only as “Barack”. Well, maybe he wasn’t raised right, but I’d even have to suck it up and refer to W. as Pres. Bush and not “George”.

    This total lack of respect of all people will ultimately land him in a gutter in hell with Satan pissing down his throat.

    Too much?

  • 41. Ms Lollygagger  |  January 29, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    Why is it that we’re in 2010 and yet people can still be so effing ignorant. UGH!

  • 42. Sara  |  January 30, 2010 at 11:37 pm

    Holy crap. I could barely read this bullshit.

  • 43. Alex Bradstreet  |  January 31, 2010 at 11:49 am

    It is so hard not to take a deep dive into hate, because that starts to hurt you and everyone around you. He is not worth hating. However, he is evil, and evil must be stopped. I don’t have an answer, but maybe a cowpie in the face every day between now and his death would send the message. If I had a labor camp, he would be on the first bus there, let me tell you. Yes, I know that is anti-democratic, but he is taking advantage of our free speech to spread his religion of hate. And that sucks.
    Thank you Jive Turkey!


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