PAY IT FORWARD: Please God, Make Me A Bird…

February 2, 2010 at 5:14 pm 12 comments

Greetings, Internet! Welcome to another edition of PAY IT FORWARD! Not sure if you’ve noticed, but in some (most) of the old PAY IT FORWARD entries, the graphics have disappeared. This is because I bootlegged the screenshots into jpgs instead of actually converting them into jpgs, and while this used to work, it apparently, uh, doesn’t work anymore.

My computer-savvy husband figured this out for me, and when I confessed my file bootlegging, he had to lay his head down on the desk for a little while.

Anyway, I’m working on fixing that MASSIVE FUCKING ERROR, but in the meantime, let’s pay a bitch forward, motherfuckers!

From reader/self-professed lurker, Sarah:

Subject: FW:

Ooo! The mysterious blank subject line! Always a winner.

This forward is actually one of those dreaded slideshows that takes up your ENTIRE FUCKING SCREEN and PLAYS MUSIC and pretty much broadcasts to the entire office that no, you are not doing anything even remotely work-related. I cannot tell you how many times I have innocently opened such a file, only to dive at my keyboard for the ESC key about 0.0004 seconds later.

Yes, Barbra Streisand. Two Oscars, eight Grammys, four Emmys and a Tony, and her song ends up on a fucking forward.

Also, I looked at this photo roughly 12 times before I noticed the GIANT ETHEREAL BUBBLES floating up to the heavens there on the right.

(Please tell me you see them too.)


And to answer the question, no, I have not observed the behavior of birds in the face of adversity, but I have observed the behavior of birds in the face of my car windshield, and…not so inspiring.

And I’m supposed to be impressed by this? They can fly, for fuck’s sake. Call me when they have to drive all over town in the snow on a Saturday trying to track down a can of fucking Enfamil. In your FACE, Jonathan Livingston ASSHOLE!*

This is some pretty spectacular sentence structure, right here. My favorite part is when the birds lay eggs, the weather, or SOME ANIMAL. I had no idea birds were so versatile (or slutty).

Do I stop? Trying, to figure out these ridiculous fragments?

Again, I must again stress the importance of saying again, again.

Also, I love birds, but the expression is “bird brain” for a reason.

Bird 1 to Bird 2: “Fuck this shit.”

…and taking massive purple and white berry-filled shits on the cars of people who keep knocking down their goddamn nests.

We hear singing, but it’s really just a very melodic “Thanks for knocking down my nest, cocksuckers.”

Do you sometimes forget to put question marks at the end of questions.

Well, I didn’t before I read this forward, which I think is trying to talk me into suicide.

Wow. We go from the first sentence, which is a reconstituted Chumbawamba lyric, to the second sentence, which sounds like some William Wallace shit, to the third sentence, which reminds me that I need to get the oil changed in my car.

I like that sneaky little “mostly,” don’t you? Life is totally worthwhile, except for the pain and the loss and the heartache and the betrayal and the despair and the loneliness and that cancer you’re going to get. NEVER STOP SINGING!

GAH! Well, I guess I got a little too comfortable during our pretty little nature stroll up there, because I was not prepared for our harsh return to the land of Powerpoint Word Art.

*I was originally going to make a joke based on a bird’s latin name, and in my research, I came across the latin name for a robin: Turdus migratorious.  HEE.


Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.

More AAAYYYYs In The Moment

12 Comments Add your own

  • 1. MLE  |  February 2, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    I want to know who the hell makes these things and why the hell they think anyone cares. Someone took some serious time to make that horse manure.

    At least it provides mocking material.

  • 2. Swistle  |  February 2, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    Birds are the new definition of insanity. It’s a shorter definition than “doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results.”

  • 3. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  February 2, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    This completed my day. 😀

  • 4. Amy  |  February 2, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    Wow. This has reached new lows…with a message through the activity of birds? FAIL.

  • 5. Stephanie Z  |  February 2, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    All I have to say is, Wait! I have nothing to say. No I do, I do! I agree with MLE! Who has the time or inclination for this shit? Whew I was nervous for a minute that I could not be snarky. I have issues with being mean sometimes.

  • 6. kristin @ going country  |  February 3, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Yeah. I have this kind of fear of birds, so this didn’t really inspire me so much.

  • 7. hillary  |  February 3, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    oh sure, blame Canada

  • 9. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  February 3, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    Why does it hurt the bird to go back and start over, as one of the slides asserts?

    Also, from slide #1… “musique”? Seriously? (Jive Turkey, you must have been too distracted by the bubbles to comment on that swishy spelling. I forgive you.)

  • 10. Sara  |  February 3, 2010 at 11:15 pm

    I don’t have a Twitter account, so I have to write this here: It’s a total pet peeve of mine when people write “could care less” than “couldn’t care less.” Stupid people. Don’t you get it?!

    • 11. Sara  |  February 4, 2010 at 2:23 am

      It’s also a pet peeve of mine when my comments have errors. Blurg. I wish I could say I couldn’t care less!

  • 12. krysta  |  February 7, 2010 at 12:27 am

    after a crappy day… this made all the adversity i faced much better. maybe i shouldn’t look all bewildered and try to look like a bird more often.

    on another note i used to live on a boat and in the spring it was a lesson about duck sex. more like rape, why didn’t they include that?!!!!


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