PAY IT FORWARD: How to Get Through Life…in the Manner of a Lazy, Entitled Asswipe
Hello, Internet! It’s time to pay a bitch forward again. I bring you photos of babies, trite, poorly worded advice, and inappropriately aggressive sentiments about friendship.
Forwards: electronic versions of your most annoying relatives!
The most BRILLIANT part of this forward is that one of the many, many, many, many people who at some point forwarded it accidentally attached her Outlook profile information to the email. That means that, hey, N**** L*** of C******** P****** Co., Inc.! You just sent your private and business contact information to countless numbers of total strangers! FORWARD FAIL.
Although, really, is there any such thing as a forward WIN?
Subject: FW: [Junk released by Allow List] Fw: How to get through life
Ah, you know it’s going to be a good one when it got caught by the junk mail filter somewhere along the line.
OK. I’m on board with that.
Cool with this also, although we are entering “Babies Dressed Like Adults” territory, which is adjacent to “Babies Dressed Like Animals,” and also perilously close to the completely unacceptable “Babies Dressed Like Fruits and Vegetables.”
Alllllright. Here’s where we go completely off the rails. First of all, I like babies and everything, but something about this picture sets my teeth on edge, and I’m guessing it’s probably the fact that someone’s bouncing baby girl is in chewing on her feet in a fucking TERRACOTTA POT.
And the caption? Well, I imagine this is the very same thinking that brought restraining orders and Valtrex into the world.
Even if you have to pay for it.
Internet, that is poop face. I know I’ve only been at this mothering gig for ten months, but that right there is straight-up poop face. SOMEONE TOOK A PICTURE OF POOP FACE AND IS SENDING IT TO YOUR INBOX.
Really, forward? Of all the MILLIONS of pictures in the world of babies shoving birthday cake in their faces/pouring bowls of spaghetti over their heads/dumping entire boxes of cereal on the floor, all you can manage is a picture of a baby eating a goddamn piece of MELBA TOAST?! REALLY?!
I was going to bitch about how we already fucking TALKED about affection, FORWARD…but then I realized that this photo is not about affection. As the younger sibling of a sister who was not always so thrilled to have me around, I recognize this as the classic toddler trick “Do what looks like hugging the baby so the adults think it’s cute but actually squeeze and pinch that stupid attention-stealing baby and remind her who’s boss.”
Smooth, toddler. Very smooth.
See above re: Poop Face.
(But I admit this is pretty cute. DAMMIT! Who am I?!)
However, I’m not sure what kind of advice “get angry once in a while” is. Whatever happened to bottling up your anger until you get an ulcer the size of a softball?
Wait, what? Why am I looking at clip art of one of those stupid calendars every receptionist is required by law to have on her desk? Is that the hallmark of a life well lived? Have we all been fools to assume otherwise?! OH, DONNA,YOU WERE SO WISE AND I DID NOT LISTEN!*
Also, I’m pretty sure no one has ever said “Have a great life!” in sincerity. That is the shit you say to your cheating husband right before you drop a match into his gasoline-soaked Mercedes.**
This was an animated gif, and I am still cleaning the vomit from my keyboard.
“Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don’t. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. Friends are like balloons, once you let them go, you can’t get them back. So I’m gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you. Send this to all your friends including me and see how many you get back. Send this balloon to everybody you like. You may also return it to me. If four balloons are returned to you, something you have been waiting for a long time will happen!!! Believe me….. It really happens! Send a lot of little balloons to your friends!!!”
Now allow me to share my interpretation:
“Life is too short to wake up with regrets [or your shift manager at the Olive Garden]. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don’t. Believe everything happens for a reason [otherwise you’ll probably blow your brains out by age 23]. If you get a second chance [to give Christian Bale a handy-jay] grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it [then resent the shit out of it]. Nobody said life [or your first girlfriend] would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it [you’d spend most of your adult years rotting in a cubicle]. Friends are like balloons, once you let them go, you can’t get them back [sometimes you want to drive sharp things into them until they disappear]. So I’m gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you [because if I can’t have you, NO ONE can have you, and hey, can I have a bag of your hair when you get a minute?]. Send this to all your friends including me and see how many you get back. Send this balloon to everybody you like [balloon not included]. You may also return it to me [if I didn’t make that clear enough in the previous sentences HI I WANT TO DRINK YOUR URINE]. If four balloons are returned to you, something you have been waiting for a long time will happen!!! [then you have four friends who are bored beyond belief at work and will probably be laid off soon]. Believe me….. It really happens! Send a lot of little balloons to your friends!!! [Someone respond to me! I haven’t been touched in seven years!]
*Donna was the receptionist at one of my numerous jobs in NYC, and I had to repeatedly answer the phones for her one fateful day when she got a little overzealous with the cod liver oil that she took to relieve her…irregularity. Oh, Donna.
**SOMEONE’S seen Waiting to Exhale one too many times.
Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.