And The Oscar Goes To…

March 12, 2010 at 5:42 pm 12 comments

Despite not having seen, oh, ANY of the Best Picture nominees, I watched the Academy Awards last Sunday night. I never really make hard and fast plans to watch, but every year we usually end up recording it on the Tivo and then tuning in about an hour into the broadcast so we can fast-forward through the awards for sound mixing and the awkward “We-are-cutting-your-speech-off-with-flowy-violin-music” moments.

Also skipped: speeches sure to annoy the fuck out of me.

I can take or leave the red carpet stuff (it’s only really fun to read about it online the next day), and I’ve been known to fall asleep before the Best Actor/Best Actress presentations, but there is ONE part of the Oscars that I must see every year. One part that I get really touchy about if I feel they’ve done it “wrong.” One part that scratches some strange little itch in my psyche so well that I’m always a bit sad when it’s over. Which part is it?

THE DEAD PEOPLE MONTAGE.

Oh, how I LOVE the dead people montage, Internet. I don’t know why, and I don’t really care to find out. And I always get a little cringe-y when the crowd applauds for, say, Paul Newman (I mean, as they should), and then you hear complete silence whenever some random cinematographer comes up, BUT STILL. The dead people montage. LOVE.

Anyhoo, in the spirit of the Oscars, I present to you my own personal Academy Awards. Enjoy.

Best Recent Google Search Term: “male escort named luke phoenix”

(Runner up: “coffee fucking”)

Sweetest Moment of My Morning: Discovering a little love note from Brad on my steering wheel.

Creepiest Memory it Evoked: When one of the garage attendants at work left a note in my cupholder that said “Call me!” and was signed “Carl” (complete with phone number and smiley face).

Most Inappropriate Anger Ever Felt: When I discovered that Carl had been leaving such notes in ALL the women’s cars. Fucking Carl!

Best Bizarre Topic on Which to be Nagged by One’s Parents: “You need to get the baby’s portrait professionally taken.”

Worst Resulting Stubborn Behavior: My father refusing to display anything but a professional portrait on his desk at work; telling coworkers that he’s still “waiting on a picture” from me AS IF I have not taken roughly 30,467,269 photos of this child since DAY ONE.

Best Pushing of Jive Turkey’s Buttons: Ahem.

Best Weather: Pittsburgh, this week. Srsly. I want to take this weather back to my place and make it a man.

Best New Habit Acquired by Offspring: Making a silent-movie-star-style “shocked” face on command.

Exhibit A

Worst New Habit Acquired by Offspring: Squirming like a damn greased pig during diaper changes, SO HELP ME if you get poop on this carpet.

Worst Combination, Like, Ever: Hormones + too much caffeine. Trust me on this one.

Best Use of a Lunch Hour This Week: Three-way tie! Lunch with kdiddy, lunch with Mermanda, and my noontime trip to the liquor store for wine.

Oh my DAMN is it time to draaank yet?

Best Combined Use of Overactive Imagination and Sub-par Math Skills: When I thought I might be pregnant (I’m not!) because I fucking COUNTED TO FOUR incorrectly.

Worst Overstepping of Boundaries, Immediate Family: A tie! Constantly expressing displeasure over our party plans for Sadie’s birthday, and asking when Sadie will be provided with siblings, OMG.

Best Excuse for Not Going to the Library on My Lunch Hour to Force Myself to Read More: I thought it would be gauche to tote my huge bag of wine in there (see above).

Most Disturbing Thing I’ve Ever Heard My Mother Say: The word “sexting.” In a sentence. Used correctly. Moments after she used the word “Kardashian.”

Best Use of an Upcoming Saturday Afternoon: Getting my hair did, as it has not been touched since November, and DAMN.

Best Wardrobe:

Best Hair:

Have a good weekend, Internet!

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Entry filed under: And you KNOW THIS!, Gobble-gobble.

PAY IT FORWARD: I Know Why the Caged Bird Forwards “Lady, You’re Scarin’ Us.”

12 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Kerry  |  March 12, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    I was all ready to yell that I came here to see baby pictures and WHERE ARE THE BABY PICTURES and then I scrolledscrolledscrolled (don’t worry, I went back and read the post OBV!) and to my utter excitement, there she is. Oh for cuteness.

    Reply
    • 2. Gaby  |  March 16, 2010 at 12:40 pm

      But Kerry, was she *really* there if the pictures weren’t professionals?!

      Reply
  • 3. ponygirl  |  March 12, 2010 at 6:38 pm

    Oooh. The dead people montage is my FAVORITE. I try to not think about what this says about me, but I also LOVE it. (I also think they screwed it up this year. A lot.)

    Reply
  • 4. hillary  |  March 12, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    I like to imagine Sadie’s shocked face is a result of hearing that her Grandpa won’t display a non-professional portrait of her on his desk.

    Reply
  • 5. bird  |  March 12, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    SSL really bad ‘sexting’ by your mother

    Reply
  • 6. Amy  |  March 12, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    I’m so out of touch, that I didn’t even know the Oscars happened until 2 days later. That’s sad. Or maybe not. But regarding the dead montage – my sentiments exactly!

    Reply
  • 7. -R-  |  March 13, 2010 at 12:23 am

    Why have I not taught my son to make a shocked face?! That is genius! Sophie is adorable.

    Reply
  • 8. SF Reader  |  March 13, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    Best Use of Funny, Witty Categories, Worldwide: Jive Turkey

    Most Frequent Contributor to Out Loud Work Laughing: Jive Turkey

    Reply
  • 9. FoST  |  March 15, 2010 at 9:01 am

    I think you should hang a white sheet and put Sadie in front of it and take the damn picture. And tell everyone that’s what professional pictures look like nowdays at Olan Mills.

    Hahah…Oh Olan Mills, where did you go?

    Reply
    • 10. HoST  |  March 15, 2010 at 10:41 am

      Update from the Daddy: We gave in and went to Sears on Saturday. Bought a dress there, dragged Sadie to the portrait studio and are damn happy we did it. These are going to be some really, REALLY great pictures of her.

      I hate it when people are right.

      Reply
  • 11. Laura  |  March 15, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    I almost died laughing over the Carl awards!

    Reply
  • 12. Mermanda  |  March 15, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    I love the dead people too and feel the same about the awkward silence for the “unknowns.”

    Please tell me who did Sadie’s hair in that award winning photo. I’m looking for someone who can give me a similarly “shocking” ‘do.

    Reply

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