March 17, 2010 at 12:56 pm 11 comments

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Internet! The day in which the one-fifth of me that is Irish scrambles madly to find something green to wear so that the ghost of my half (A VERY PROUD HALF!)-Irish grandmother doesn’t come back and haunt the shit out of me.

YOU GUYS: PLEASE check out the name of this photo, which I did not alter in the slightest when I ganked it off the Internet. I have no idea what the fuck the story is behind this one, but I wanted a picture of a disapproving grandma, and I sure did get one.

My grandmother, as I remember her, was a very easygoing sort until March 17th rolled around, and BY GOD you’d BETTER be wearing your green that day or she would threaten to beat you soundly with a pint of Guinness, no foolin’. As I mentioned, she was only half Irish – her father was Irish, her mother English, and I bet there was quite an interesting story behind that courtship – but she was extremely proud of her Irish blood. True to stereotypes, I remember her telling me that my great-grandfather really liked to drink, and the whole family knows about that one time he got so drunk that he managed to ROCK THROUGH THE FRONT WINDOW OF THEIR HOME IN HIS ROCKING CHAIR.

The blood that runs through my veins is self-destructively AWESOME.

Anyhoo, whether you are Irish or just wearing some plastic green beads to get happy hour prices on beer (or both!), let us celebrate this holiday by dissecting a really sloppily-constructed and confusing forward, sent to me courtesy of recent birthday girl MLE:

Subject: FW: W: I don’t usually send this stuff out but……..apparently it works & I thought you could use it…

For emails that NO ONE wants to cop to “usually” sending, this shit sure makes the rounds, doesn’t it?

Pretty sure those first two lines could have just been edited down to “TO ALL MY FRIENDS.”

Now brace yourself, Internet: here comes the best part…

Dancing Leprechaun Animated GifUm, Internet? WHAT THE FUCK. Why are there two black, shiny golf balls right there, and WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT IT?!

This is where I started to feel like maybe this forward really did have some sort of special powers, what with the ominous balls and all.

(Also, please tell me you see them too.)

Honestly, I thought the Swannee River existed only in Stephen Foster songs. My bad.

Also: “Seems like it Hey!!” is going to be my new go-to exclamation.

This just in: that dude probably still needs a job.

I am, like, totally jealous of Sean’s “really good” financial windfall, because all of my financial windfalls have been awful.

And, correct me if I’m wrong, but if someone who received this email was responsible for the windfall, then…this forward did exactly nothing, right? WAY TO BE A WONDER KILLER, LADY!

Anyone else’s mind go to a really dirty place with these last two sentences? No? Just me? Carry on.

All these little images were animated gifs, but I’ll be damned if I had the patience to find all the fucking codes to get them to display correctly here.

But that little leprechaun dude with the white beard? Looks JUST LIKE a guy who works with the computing helpdesk at my office. This would explain the time I found Lucky Charms in my DVD drive.

I feel like I’m in an episode of The Twilight Zone where everyone is a disembodied head with arms shooting out the side, and they think I’M the freak because I have a body.

Looks like SOMEONE is wishing to have a bowel movement sometime in the near future.

(I’m not gonna lie: that is my wish most days.)

OK, so, the more friends you lose, the quicker you get your wish. Seems fair.

That’s it for today, Internet. I’m working on another Deep Thoughts, so put your, uh, deep thinking caps on.

That sounded dirty. I’m sorry.

(Or am I?)

“Ugh. Is she still being gross? I can’t even look.”


Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.

“Lady, You’re Scarin’ Us.” Deep Thoughts: Religion

11 Comments Add your own

  • 1. MLE  |  March 17, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    The most puzzling part of this for me was that it was sent by a relative in his early 60s. He’s a Texan gentleman who votes republican, works in the oil industry, and has more money than he knows what to do with. I just…I just can’t imagine why he thought sending this on (complete with animated gifs) was a good idea.

  • 2. MLE  |  March 17, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Also, since I sent it to you, apparently “my wish” will be granted in 1 year. That’s a long time to go without pooping.

  • 3. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  March 17, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    Seems like it Hey!

  • 4. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  March 17, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    I am really disappointed that there was no “leprechaun balls” joke in there anywhere. But the aweome title of the photo, including the typo that made her “grandchlidless” somewhat made up for it.

  • 5. kristin @ going country  |  March 17, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Someone please tell me where in the hell the phrase “Luck of the Irish” originated as a POSITIVE thing. Because as far as I can tell, the luck of a people systematically oppressed, beaten down, starved, and kept in poverty for hundreds of years is pretty fucking bad.

  • 6. kristin @ going country  |  March 17, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    Oh! And I’m Irish too! A little more than you. Which means many more alcoholics and lots of fun stories. Which were probably less than fun at the time. Like the one my dad told us about his parents being so drunk on Thanksgiving that my grandma passed out, my grandpa tried to carve the turkey and sliced his hand open pretty severely, and my dad, who was all of about ten years old at the time, ended up doing the carving.

    Wow. Kind of a buzzkill, huh? Enjoy that Guinness everyone!

  • 7. Sara  |  March 17, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    Wow, that grandmother is frightening. But I couldn’t stop staring at the jumping leprechaun. Why?! I have to wipe my eyes like Sadie to try to get the image out. Oh, and I just typed “me eyes,” although I didn’t mean to. And I’m not even Irish! Which reminds me that some lady following me into the bathroom at work today said something about how I wasn’t wearing any green today. Um, no. I’m not the least bit Irish. Or festive, apparently.

    Why am I still rambling?

  • 8. Marcy  |  March 17, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    Should we call you Jive O’Turkey today?

  • 9. Amy  |  March 17, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    Fact: I am married to the only Irishman that does not like corned beef and cabbage. It’s so wrong. (Like this forward.)

  • 10. FoST  |  March 18, 2010 at 11:17 am

    LOL….rocked through the front window in a rocking chair…cracked me up.

  • 11. Mermanda  |  March 18, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    The title of the grandma pic is everything you said it would be and somehow more. Thank you.

    Also, I forwarded that email and all I got was a dumb t-shirt!


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