I Hate These Things, and I Hate Their Ass Faces!

March 29, 2010 at 1:09 pm 23 comments

I have a feeling I’ve used a similar title for a post before (and am far too lazy to check), but at least this movie is not an Adam Sandler movie. And hey, know who doesn’t like Adam Sandler movies? This girl. Know how I knew that? This post. The idea for which I’m totally stealing today, because I am exhausted after a weekend participating in this event (and hosting the grandparents whose babysitting services were needed so that Brad and I could participate together).

And then when we were out for breakfast yesterday morning, a dude at the next table PEED HIS PANTS but did not let that stop him from continually visiting the breakfast buffet, thereby walking past our table roughly 53 times and effectively ruining our appetites, so I think you’ll understand when I say my brain needs a NAP, yo.

Things I Hate That Everyone Else Seems to Love:

  • Diet Coke: I’ve tried. Oh, I’ve tried. Because if there’s one thing my life needs, it’s more chemical-laden foodstuffs on which to develop an unhealthy dependence.
  • American Idol: This does not stop my mother from discussing the show with me each week as if I know what words like “Sanjaya ” or “Orianthi” mean. (And yes, I had to do a lot of Googling to find out what the fuck an “Orianthi” is.)

Not an exotic bird, as I first suspected, but rather what appears to be the love child of Bret Michaels and Taylor Dayne.

  • Babies Dressed as Produce

  • Raisins, shredded coconut, and caraway seeds: Caveat: the only acceptable medium for shredded coconut is the almighty Samoa.
  • Running: This does not stop me from buying running shoes if I find some in a pretty color.
  • Glee: I have a violent distaste for this show, to the point where I often find myself screaming “I hate fucking GLEE!!!” to my computer screen when I read articles/tweets/FB updates about Glee that express anything less than a burning hatred for Glee. FUCKING GLEE.
  • Kristin Chenoweth

She is a robot sent here to destroy us all, I’m sure of it.

  • Golden labs: I don’t really know why, but it probably has something to do with Air Bud.

  • Milk as a beverage: I feel completely awful forcing Sadie to drink it when I wholeheartedly agree that “Milk [is] a bad choice.”
  • Baseball: Zzzzzzzz. Although I enjoy going to baseball games, because spending a summer night outdoors drinking beer is never a waste of time.
  • American Apparel: If  their ugly-ass neon leggings aren’t enough to turn you off, go have a read about creepy CEO Dov Charney. I’ll be over here, waiting to vomit with you when you’re done. (p.s. – if you don’t want to click any of those links, just allow me to share with you that he finished third in a “Douche of the Decade” poll.)
  • Toasted bagels: Do you guys have any idea how many times I communicate to the counter staff at bagel places that I ONLY want my bagel sliced, NOT TOASTED…only to watch them lay my poor, sliced bagel on that slow conveyor belt of toasting doom?! LOTS OF TIMES.
  • Air conditioning: Brad and I are incompatible in exactly one area, and this is it.
  • David Mamet: Ooo! Look at me with my fragmented, overlapping dialogue! Look at me cast Ricky Jay in movies! LOOK AT MEEEEEE!

Things I Hate That One Guy Seems to Love:

  • Peeing one’s pants at breakfast

For fuck’s sake.


Entry filed under: And you KNOW THIS!.

PAY IT FORWARD: You Will Go To Sleep Or I Will PUT You To Sleep Parents Just Don’t Understand

23 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Amy  |  March 29, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    I just had to say that I LIVE for your posts. They make my day. 🙂

    Also, I love Glee. I’m sorry.

    • 2. jiveturkey  |  March 29, 2010 at 1:33 pm

      Amy, you just made me yell at my screen. ARE YOU HAPPY?!?

  • 3. Adlib  |  March 29, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Re: baseball–Yes, exactly.

    Word to the samoa. Otherwise, coconut = gag.

    I’m conflicted about Glee. My best friend loves it so I watch it, but there are times I want to pound on those people (in the show, not her). Plus, did you know they did an episode that Kristin Chenoweth was in??

    I’m sorry if that last one made your head explode.

    • 4. jiveturkey  |  March 29, 2010 at 2:43 pm


  • 5. Alyce  |  March 29, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    That could be my list. Except for the A/C. I live in Texas…. so… yeah…

  • 6. Marcy  |  March 29, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    I too hate the babies dressed as produce! Also, I hate them dressed at bees, scrunched into flower pots, or any other stupid costume that a poor baby should not be subjected to. What makes it worse is that the pediatrician’s office is decorated with them. So while I am dealing with (worrying over) a sick baby I have to stare at these awful pictures. Damn you Anne Geddes!

  • 7. Holly Jane  |  March 29, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    How is being a robot sent to destroy us NOT proof of her awesomesauce? Granted, I had to watch Pushing Daisies to get past the immediate instinct to fling her away like scary living doll-baby (possibly dressed as produce).

    Which leads to confession: have knitted produce hats. Blueberries. Pumpkins. But in an ironic, “HAAA your baby looks stupid now!” kind of way. Also Glee; have watched, just as I’ve watched Jersey Shore and Real Househoars of New York. Like watching Discovery channel when they play that video of the brain funguses bursting through the bugs’ heads.


  • 8. kristin @ going country  |  March 29, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    I don’t even know what Glee is. Didn’t know the Kristin person, either (though I give thumbs up to the proper spelling of her name). Am living in cultural desert. And am okay with this.

  • 9. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  March 29, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    re: golden labs – they always have so much fur that i don’t how they don’t pee/poop all over themselves. and so it comes back around to someone pissing on one’s self.

  • 10. littleelle  |  March 30, 2010 at 8:50 am

    hahaha- this was AWESOME.

    also, really? toasted bagels? i would live off them if i could.

  • 11. Kelly  |  March 30, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Wait, I’m stuck on the title here. Where is it from? Is it Best in Show? Is it Waiting for Guffmann? I know it’s from a Christopher Guest movie.

    Also, how can you hate on a dog with such long lustrous locks? But totally agree on the Chenowith-matron3000. Scary!

    And God I love when going to visit a friend (The New Girl) gets me someplace else I just have to bookmark. Thanks for the laughs.

    • 12. jiveturkey  |  March 30, 2010 at 10:08 am

      Hi Kelly! It’s from Waiting for Guffman – whenever the city council won’t give him the budget he asks for. “You’re bastard people!”

  • 13. Cedar  |  March 30, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    Just deleted my own comment 😦
    But as I was saying: YES the CEO of American Apparel is a super huge ass-face. AA has a store in my city and we are subjected to many rage-inducing, sexually explicit ads of girls who look like they are 12.5 years old. They induce cringing in even the mainstream men I know. AND, I also hate the AC, probably because my office uses it as a cruel and inhumane torture device. I only use it at my house when temperatures get near the 100s (which is a lot in the summer). Actually, as naive and sheltered as I’m going to sound, coping with excessive AC is one of my biggest fears about ever having to do jail/prison time.

    • 14. jiveturkey  |  March 31, 2010 at 9:06 am

      I absolutely love that your biggest concern about going to prison is coping with excessive A/C.

      (That being said, I’ve never thought of that before, and it’s taking my worrying about stupid things to a whole new level.)

  • 15. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  March 30, 2010 at 11:53 pm

    Dude, they turned on the fucking air conditioning in my office today and it was only 64 degrees out-fucking-side. They are bastard people.

    • 16. jiveturkey  |  March 31, 2010 at 9:08 am

      WHAT?!?! That makes me SO ANNNNNNNGRYYYYYY!! It’s BELOW fucking ROOM TEMPERATURE outside!!

      I am expecting the a/c to kick on at my office today, too. High of 67! SWELTERING!

      The only thing more annoying than excessive a/c is That Person who is ALWAYS HOT and cranks that shit in their car, even in winter.

  • 17. sweetbird  |  March 31, 2010 at 8:20 am

    I’m pretty meh on most of these things, but I can see why someone might not like them. Except Diet Coke – I totally get that. That shit is the devil. I don’t understand how people can drink diet anything. It tastes like chemicals.

    Also, I’m ambivalent on the babies dressed as produce thing, but I totally love this lady’s sleeping baby photography:


    I would’ve linked directly to her professional site, but it automatically starts playing this loud-ass, annoying piano music. So fuck her website.

    • 18. jiveturkey  |  March 31, 2010 at 9:11 am

      Sleeping babies are cool (in more ways than one). And there is some really awesome baby photography out there these days. It’s when they start dressing them up as strawberries and elephants and shit that makes me want to go set something on fire.

  • 19. Lawyerish  |  March 31, 2010 at 10:25 am

    You’re bastard people!


    I did a post like this a long time ago, but I’m too lazy to link to it. I will just say that I do enjoy a toasted bagel, but even better is to get a bagel that’s fresh out of the oven so it’s not too crunchy but the cream cheese gets a little melty. MMMM.

    Also, a lot of bagel places in NYC — in fact, some of the BEST bagel places, like H&H and Murray’s — REFUSE to toast bagels. They won’t do it! They are morally opposed, or something.

  • 20. Sara  |  April 1, 2010 at 1:10 am

    I like my bagels toasted until they’re almost burnt. But I will agree with you on the air conditioning, which is ironic considering I often need the a/c on to keep the pollen out of my house so I don’t suffocate. But I hate it. I especially hate that it seems to be on in my office ALL YEAR LONG. Seriously, it’s gross to wear a coat and scarf all winter long while you’re inside, isn’t it?

  • 21. Amy  |  April 3, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Oh my, JT. We have to talk.

    I love milk…we could own a cow, we drink so much of it – breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Love, love, love baseball. And bagels toasted are the only way to eat a bagel.

    So there.

  • 22. Meg  |  April 7, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    totally agree about diet coke and toasted bagels. well, just all pop in general.

  • 23. Mermanda  |  April 8, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    You don’t like toasted bagels? What kind of monster are you?


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