What Would Julia Sugarbaker Do?

April 15, 2010 at 1:05 pm 43 comments

[First things first: THANK YOU so much for commenting to wish Sadie a happy birthday. It’s meant a lot to me to share her first year with you guys, and it’s helped me immeasurably to be able to turn to you and this blog for record-keeping/whining/advice/sappy reflection. Thanks also for commenting to tell my sick ass to feel better. I’m feeling a little less like complete and total ASS today, and just scarfed down a huge egg and cheese bagel, so…let’s hope that was a good idea.]

Internet, I wrote once before (a looong time ago) about how I’m not the world’s most assertive soul, despite being exposed to the likes of Claire Huxtable and Julia Sugarbaker during my childhood. Well, in the wake of Dixie Carter’s passing, I thought I’d offer a send up to everyone’s favorite fictional sharp-shoulder-pad-wearing interior designer from Atlanta.

I urge you to HOLLA with respect.

You see, there are a couple people who have landed on the wrong side of my temperament today, and – after crying at work in a manner reminiscent of my first trimester of pregnancy – I am ready to WEAR IT OUT ON A BITCH.

But on the Internet. Not in real life. That’s what we call being a lady. Or being a wimp. Whichever.

BITCH ON WHOM I WANT TO WEAR IT OUT #1: So, I had to fill out this form at work, and seeing as how I’m not a box of fucking rocks, I KNOW HOW TO FILL OUT FORMS. This form, especially, was one I’d had extensive experience filling out over the SIX FUCKING YEARS at my job.  This time around, however, I realized I didn’t have nearly enough information to fully complete the form. I called the assistant of the person to whom I’d be submitting the form and told her about my dilemma, and she said “Don’t worry – just fill out what you can and we’ll take care of the rest.” Awesome, said I! So I filled out what I could, and sent the form. A few days pass, and I get a call from the person whose assistant I’d spoken to, and she IMMEDIATELY lays into me about how the form I’d submitted was “woefully incomplete” (her words, seriously), and when I tried to explain to her that I had been assured by her assistant that the missing information wasn’t a problem, she interrupted me by barking, “Well, I’ll TELL you how to fill out the form, so that you’ll LEARN how to do it right.”

This was the point at which goosebumps sprung to attention all over my body and my stomach clenched – a sure sign that I am RIGHT PISSED and liable to a) cry, or b) tell you to go fuck yourself (I have a distinct lack of more productive options). Bitch started in with the first incomplete section of the form: editing options. I was supposed to check a box for either standard editing or no editing, and this whore ACTUALLY SAID, “You should have checked a box here,” to which I replied that yes, I WAS AWARE that a box needed checked, but you see, I DIDN’T FUCKING KNOW which editing option was appropriate. “Well, if you LISTEN, I’ll TELL you,” she snapped.

I seriously considered telling her not to speak to me that way, but I caved. I should have, though, right?

She proceeded to tell me which boxes needed checked. Actually, let me rephrase that: while holding the ACTUAL FORM in her hand — a hand that could easily check boxes on, say, A FORM — she told me which boxes I should check when I printed out an entirely NEW form, which I’d then need to place in an envelope and send via motherfucking FedEx to her office, 250 miles away. Seems efficient, right?


I am ashamed to tell you that her pathetic little dressing-down really got to me, and I wept like a statue of Mary in my cubicle for probably 20 minutes. Fuck that lady, Internet. Seriously.

Epilogue: I totally told my boss about the phone call, and she jumped to my defense, telling me that it wasn’t the first time Our Lady of Woefully Incomplete Forms has been totally out of line, and she (Boss Lady) plans to take it up with her (BitchWhoreFormGirl). This makes me feel better.

But still, I should have said something in the moment. Right, Julia?

“Fuck YES you should have! I’m in a FRAAAME, mothafuckas!”

BITCH ON WHOM I WANT TO WEAR IT OUT #2: It’s wedding season, Internet! And I have to tell you that I LOVE going to weddings. Big or small, formal or informal, I think they’re fun. I like buying a wrapping a gift, I like seeing all the hope and anticipation and sheer happiness that is (hopefully) telegraphed all over the faces of the parties involved, I like dancing the fucking Electric Slide, for Christ’s sake. I’m the perfect wedding guest! YOU WANT ME AT YOUR WEDDING.

I will also take full advantage of your open bar, so as to ensure you get your money’s worth. I’m only trying to help!

(And no, I don’t know what the fuck I was doing here, except that I think I’m attempting to pole dance with a part of my dress…?)

I’m also fully supportive of making your wedding YOUR wedding: want nothing but banjo music at the reception? Fine. Want free elephant rides in the parking lot? GREAT. Want me to bring my own bag lunch? Awesome! I need to use this lunchmeat before it goes bad anyway.

Then…I got an invitation in the mail last weekend from a cousin of Brad’s. A cousin who is marrying a woman who put this on her RSVP card:

I say “her” RSVP card because her name was all over this shit. And she didn’t provide a stamp for it, said Peppermint Petty.

Internet, I UNDERSTAND not wanting little kids at a formal reception. I GET IT. But I also understand that the most appropriate and rankle-free way to state this on your (non-postage-paid) RSVP card is “Adults only” or some such. Not this blaring ALL CAPS PLUS ITALICS passive-aggressive  “encouraged” horseshit.

Also? I looked into the reception location. It’s at a community center. In a room that hosts aerobics on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I suppose The Plaza was booked?

I’m sorry to come across like a complete sniping bitch here, but…actually, no, I’m not. I think this shit is tactless and blatantly rude. I mean, what the fuck? Are children over five years old going to be completely silent and impeccably behaved, quietly reading the book of Psalms at the ceremony and sipping Shirley Temples out of snifters during the reception? Look, I sent the bitch a gift, but I have yet to send my (STAMPLESS) RSVP. She supplied her email address as an alternative means to reply, so I’m taking that route, because at least THEN I won’t have to PAY FOR MY OWN POSTAGE when telling her I’d rather go on a couples cruise with Sarah Palin that attend her joyless wedding.

And Internet, I KNOW I should take the high road and just send a simple “We’re sorry but we won’t be able to attend your wedding. Best wishes for your special day!” email, and I KNOW I’m probably just using her invitation as an outlet for all of my daycare-sees-my-baby-more-than-I-do frustrations (“How DARE she suggest I give up a precious weekend day with my baby!1!!”), but…I still want to say something. Something polite, but pointed. Something like “I’m sorry we won’t be able to attend, but we’d much rather spend a Saturday afternoon with our lovely 1-year-old daughter than watch you try to pull off the white dress charade, brazen whore.”

I kid.

Sort of.


“A true lady would hold her tongue when it comes to the RSVP, then verbally bash the slut every chance she gets.”

Duly noted.



Entry filed under: Taste my Backhand.

We Want The Funk Things I Do Not Recommend, Vol. I

43 Comments Add your own

  • 1. MLE  |  April 15, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    I’m with Julia on that second one; take the high road. The only thing saying something would get is the cousin’s fiancee thinking bad thoughts about you in return. She’s not going to change her ways. Obviously this person doesn’t have kids so doesn’t realize how rude she is being. And truly, the most correct thing to do would have been to send the invitation JUST to you and Brad, leaving Sadie’s name off, and not said anything about No Kids at all.

    • 2. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 9:46 am

      The thing that really gets me is that she is marrying a guy who is one of FOUR children. His family is no stranger to having kids at events like this. Also – it’s not like if Sadie started fussing during the ceremony I’d fucking SIT THERE and let her cries permeate the room. Ugggggggh.

      • 3. MLE  |  April 16, 2010 at 11:18 am

        I’m not saying she’s right, and I’m totally with you. I’m just picturing someone who is clueless and self-centered, and it’s really hard to get someone like that to change or even see that they’re wrong.

  • 4. HoST  |  April 15, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    I say light her up in the email. These are my relatives, and you have my permission.

    • 5. Austin  |  April 15, 2010 at 1:50 pm

      This is where Facebook has totally warped my brain because I found myself wanting a “Like” button for this. Totally awesome that HoST supports you so fully!

      I say light ‘er up, too, JT!

      • 6. CoHoST  |  April 15, 2010 at 6:05 pm

        I give you permission too!!!!!!!!!!! In fact I’ll join you!

  • 7. Adlib  |  April 15, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    Yeah, that chick was out of line with that stupid tactless way of wording it on her invitation. I was deathly afraid of a screaming kid at my wedding from a friend or coworker that I didn’t really know well (i.e.- my husband’s side), but I didn’t rage about it and say anything specific on the invitation. If I was asked, I just told them there would be one baby (my new nephew), but there would be no childcare provided. I just put someone’s name “and guest” on the invitation or “and family” if I was truly inviting the whole family. If a kid I didn’t know came, well fine, it’s not the end of the world, but I wasn’t going to be insulting about it!

    Anyway, that form whore would probably have made me cry too, and I HATE crying at work. Nobody needs to be talked to like that, and that’s pretty much the reasons I’ve ever cried at my job. My problem is I never have any sufficient comebacks or retorts to stuff like that. I feel like such a wimp.

    So anyway, there’s my two cents. Truly one of those days where you wonder what Julia would do. 😉

    • 8. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 9:48 am

      I totally understand not wanting screaming kids at your wedding – I certainly didn’t want any at mine – but does this whore really think I’d sit there and let my kid scream bloody murder during her stupid fucking vows? Sheesh. I mean, I guess there are parents who WOULD do that, but…I dunno.

  • 9. Sara  |  April 15, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    There have been so many times where I go all Julia Sugarbaker on someone’s ass…but only to tell them how they should (or should’ve) handle(d) something. Or how I should’ve handled something. Instead, I do what you did: Take it like Anthony did when Suzanne made him do something (or something like that). If only I had the eloquence of Julia right when I need it instead of after the fact.

    I’d also take the high road on the invitation. But no stamp? Who does she think she is? I feel like that’s standard practice, right?

  • 10. Holly Jane  |  April 15, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    YES YES YES. Fucking childfree no-childcare-provided weddings. A couple months after we got married – with a 2 month old baby – our Best Man invited us to his wedding. A child-free wedding (hi, it was outdoors!). Knowing that we would have to fly 5,000 miles with a BABY to then, I don’t know, leave the baby in the car to go watch him dance to Aerosmith with a woman I hated (because *cough* I was in love with said Best Man, but that’s another rant altogether). Childfree weddings grumblecuss…

    Am jealous that you have so awesomely ranted about work here. Am a big wimpy-like person wrt work rants, because my community is so tiny that everyone will pass it around and staple it to the bulletin board outside the post office (after printing it out on the library’s computer and asking me to help them figure out how to use the print manager). Bah.

    • 11. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 9:49 am

      HA! I love you.

  • 12. CoHoST  |  April 15, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    (Cousin of HoST) <– my semi anonymous name.

    I am so with you. I plan to send an email/note saying 'oh so sorry but if I travel 400 miles to your wedding, I don't want to leave my DS with a babysitter.' I think I might CC my uncle and her fiance too, just in case they don't know about this scandal. I am suspicious they may be unaware.

    No stamp annoyed me too! Glad I am not the only one!

    As for your BitchWhoreFormGirl- I had a moment like that too, when my version of this walked in my classroom and freaked on me bc my students were doing 'show and tell' and believes this is not academic.. HELLO PUBLIC SPEAKING?!

    • 13. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 9:51 am

      Show and tell was my fucking FAVORITE part of school for like, YEARS – and – you’re right – it does hone public speaking skills. I was horribly shy, but enjoyed the shit out of some show and tell. I will WEAR IT OUT ON A BITCH who tries to take that away from kids.

  • 14. Holly Jane  |  April 15, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    Also I didn’t comment about the birthday because it was lovely and family-like and I am a creepy internet skulker. It felt like popping up and pressing my face against the livingroom window. But Happy Birthday, baby girl!

    • 15. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 9:49 am

      For the record, I would be OK with you pressing your face against my living room window. As long as you also pressed your boobs up there for good measure.

  • 16. Sara  |  April 15, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Also, I forgot to mention that I think I’ve cried at my desk three times this week. Just because. Not because I got yelled at by some stupid bitch, although there’s still another day and a half to make it four times. *Sigh.* We’ll be able to give this up one day, right?

    • 17. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 9:52 am

      I certainly hope so, my friend.

  • 18. Amy  |  April 15, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Let her have it. “Children under five do not attend” Seriously the “do” in that phrase bugs the crap out of me.

    Adults Only would have covered it nicely… (Or maybe formal attire requested – that “adult-i-fies” the affair.

    No stamp, really? (& then to be all trashy on the invite too? She is asking to be chewed out via e-mail.)

    When I got married, most of our friends with children were on the end of the spectrum where an excuse to leave the kids with a baby-sitter was a welcome excuse. So only my cousin’s daughter was present & that was after my cousin asked & I replied, “We are leaving that decision to the parents.” Seriously, you know if you 1 year old can handle an (Insert style/length of wedding serivce reception) event or not & seriously – I’d be more worried about a 6 year old!

    Ditto the previous birthday comment.

    • 19. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 9:55 am

      YES. EXACTLY. I am not a moron; I would have understood that “black tie attire” or some such meant “no kids” – but THAT’S THE THING: I know this wedding is in no way that formal. She just doesn’t want kids there. Or kids under 5, at any rate.

      There were an assload of kids and babies present at my wedding – from all ends of the behavior spectrum – and I don’t remember hearing anything from a damn one of them. That’s because it was MY WEDDING DAY and I really didn’t give a shit about whether or not Madison asked for her My Little Pony in the middle of my vows. Seriously.

  • 20. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  April 15, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    I would like phone numbers for both of these whore-bags right now. No joke.

    Please send that shit back postage due and tell her you’ll deduct that, and the cost of childcare, from her wedding gift (which I think means she ends up owing YOU money, by the way).

    And tell that awful cunt muscle at your office that I WILL WEAR THOSE FORMS OUT ON HER PAPER CUT-style like Lionel Ritchie – ALL. NIGHT. LONG.

    • 21. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 9:56 am

      HAAAAA! There is just too much that I love about your comment.

  • 22. magdalena  |  April 15, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    Pittsburgher is all kinds of fired up today…

    Instead of brazen whore, I offer “heartless [vapid, insipid, jejune] tart”.

    • 23. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 9:58 am

      TART! Yes. I need to use that one more often.

  • 24. Swistle  |  April 15, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    If I could have ONE brain implant, I’d get the one that would let me gear up into a long, articulate, Julia Sugarbaker rant whenever I needed one. “I don’t THINK so. And I’m going to tell you something else.” I’d need her laser eyes, too.

    With the wedding invitation I would do the Sincerity Smite, which involves stating your genuine sorrow at being unable to attend, while informatively providing them with the reason so they know What They’ve Done. Something like, “Oh, I’m so sorry we can’t come! But we won’t be able to get a sitter. We wish you all the best on your special day!”

  • 25. Swistle  |  April 15, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    Also, I TOTALLY THINK that weddings are about FAMILY and NEW FAMILIES, and that excluding children MISSES THE POINT. I was at a wedding where a baby cried partway through the service, and the mom took him out, and THE WEDDING WAS NOT RUINED.

    • 26. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 10:00 am

      YES. I mean, when I got married, I was in no way a fan of babies and all that jazz, but COME ON. Weddings are – to me – celebrations of family. Babies are a part of that, yo.

  • 27. hillary  |  April 15, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Fuck that lady! No wait … fuck both those ladies! God.

  • 28. Marcy  |  April 15, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    I don’t get child-free weddings. If kids are part of the family, let them in on the fun. How else will they learn the chicken dance???

    • 29. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 10:01 am

      And – hello – 90% of the people DOING the chicken dance are under 5.

  • 30. Nobody  |  April 15, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    totally tacky and selfish. not to mention i know some 6 year olds who act terrible compared to their mild-mannered 4 year old siblings. the silly bitch should trust that each parent there will keep their own children under control. if she didn’t want moms there, she shouldn’t have invited them. i would just politely decline her invitation.

    • 31. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 10:03 am

      I know – I mean, most people with a fully-formed brain know to remove a fussy kid from a ceremony. And if they didn’t, another wedding guest would surely inform them to get the fuck out until the kid clams up.

  • 32. Amy  |  April 15, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    I have foot-in-mouth disease.

  • 33. Maggie  |  April 15, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    Bitch #1 sounds so much like my boss when she’s in mood it’s alarming. I would love to wear it out on her, but I love paying my mortgage and having food to eat more so I don’t. After 5 years of it I find I’m able to almost completely ignore it and not take it personally, but it’s taken awhile to get there.

    • 34. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 10:02 am

      That sucks, man. I have been there. Luckily, I don’t work too directly with his whoremachine.

  • 35. Leah  |  April 15, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    I hate that form whore. She’ll get hers. Just you wait.

    • 36. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 10:05 am

      And I will happily complete the form required for her to get the aforementioned ‘hers.’

  • 37. Kerry  |  April 15, 2010 at 11:24 pm

    Woefully? That biznitch needs a hobby. At least you can be content in the knowledge that she goes home to her 15 cats each night while you go home to you beeeutiful family.

    And that invite is TACKYTACKYTACKY! I would def want to rsvp with something snippy, but she has her head so far up it, the point would be lost.

    • 38. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 10:05 am

      I fear you’re right.

  • 39. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 12:53 am

    WHAT. THE. FUCK. “It is encouraged that children under five do not attend.” I don’t even think that’s proper grammar. Seriously, I would totally do the Julia on her. What you said in your post sounds perfect to me. I think what Swistle suggested is far too subtle and that bitch won’t even get it.

    And HoST kicks ass for backing you up, too.

    • 40. jiveturkey  |  April 16, 2010 at 10:06 am

      I don’t think this bitch gets a lot of things.

  • 41. Lawyerish  |  April 16, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    The italics on top of the all caps annoyed the ever-loving piss out of me. And the extraneous “do.” I think you should take a red editing pen to that part of the invite and send it back with the reply card. Because poor grammar on top of clueless rudeness is just too much.

    I also think a passive-aggressive reply is warranted — as Swistle said, something that takes the high road in tone but also lets her know she’s crossed a line AND YOU COULD CUT HER, but you’re not going to. This time.

    Also, the Julia Sugarbaker in a Frame shot is one of the best things I’ve ever seen.

  • 42. Mermanda  |  April 20, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    Wow. Caps AND Italics? Beat a dead horse much? I say tell her (via e-mail) that you have other plans and that she owes you a stamp.

    As for the forminator… just take joy in the fact that her life is devoid of love and happiness. 🙂 (i’m 99.9% sure….)

  • 43. sweetbird  |  April 27, 2010 at 10:29 am

    I have to say that I have at least a modicum of understanding for the bitchface who doesn’t want kids at her wedding reception – I’ve been around way too many parents who let their kids run fucking wild at formal events. As someone who does not yet have children (and I’m sure many who do have kids feel the same way), it makes me want to punch them in their stupid faces. I do, however, love-love-love well behaved children at these types of events – they’re adorable and awesome and I just want to gobble them up.

    Sadly, I bet she can’t put “Hey, you fucktards that don’t watch your kids and are shitty parents – don’t bring your demon spawn to my lovely event so they can ruin it by spilling Kool-Aid on my fucking wedding dress. But, if you have awesome well behaved kids you should totally bring them in their cute little mini-sized formal wear for everyone’s adoration and enjoyment.”

    As for the form-Nazi? Fuck her.


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