I Should Have Girded My Loins

April 19, 2010 at 1:33 pm 36 comments

One of the movies I am contractually obligated by my vagina to watch whenever it is on is The Devil Wears Prada. And there’s always one scene that makes me clench more than the others: when Andy is forced to go to that stupid benefit for work and is really really RILLY RILLY RILLY late for her boyfriend’s birthday party.

Tangent: does anyone besides me think that Adrian Grenier is fucking ridiculous? He can’t act for shit or open his eyes any wider than one-sixteenth of an inch. Also, he has toddler hair. Still think he’s a hot slice?

Hello, may I interest you in a urinary tract infection?

Anyway, the reason that scene gets me all agitated is because it gives me that awful, anxious, fidgety, shallow-breathing, floaty-limb feeling I get when I’m somewhere but I really need to be SOMEWHERE ELSE.  Oh, I hate that feeling. It usually results in me crying or driving irresponsibly fast, and most certainly results in the cultivation of my inevitable ulcer. I like to call him Ernie.

OMG DO NOT GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH “ULCERS.”

So, I’ve been experiencing this feeling an awful lot lately. At rehearsal.

I know, I know, theatre geeks everywhere are disappointed in me, I KNOW.

I truly did not see this coming. I love doing shows. I was so excited for my rehearsals to start. But last week was a tough one, with rehearsals every night and work being a bitch and then getting sick on top of it all. As I sat offstage on Wednesday night, thinking about Brad and Sadie going through the evening routine without me, I suddenly thought to myself, “I made the wrong decision.” And then I spent the next two hours trying not to climb the walls out of anxiety and an overwhelming desire to be at home kissing warm baby noggin.

This past weekend was tech for the show (all you non-nerds out there: tech is when all the technical aspects of the production — lights, sound, costumes, etc. — are added, which is hellish even in the best of circumstances), so that translated into even longer rehearsals and even more time away from Brad and Sadie. And while I tried to remind myself that this was only temporary, I was pretty miserable a good chunk of the time. I’d sit in the darkened theatre seats while the crew talked over scene transitions and light cues and fight back the urge to shout “WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT WHAT SONG WE USE FOR THE SCENE FIVE SET CHANGE, I HAVE A BABY WHO NEEEEEDS MEEEEEEEE!!”

Internet, what the fuck? Why is this so hard? When it’s all said and done, it will have really only been about two weeks of evenings that I had to miss Sadie’s bedtime. Why do I feel 1) so fucking awful about it, and 2) like I am going to stop breathing if I don’t spend every evening with Sadie?

I am hoping this is only temporary, because I don’t want to become a person who can’t enjoy anything outside of her (fucking adorable and sweet and awesome and practically walking) offspring. I  have definite flashes of enjoyment at rehearsal — there’s something infinitely comforting about the old routine of rehearsal, tech week, opening night, etc. — but for the most part, my heart is elsewhere. If I could just spend ONE WEEKDAY A WEEK home with Sadie FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST (work, I’m looking at you – and also making a very obscene hand gesture in your direction), I think I’d feel better about sacrificing my evenings on the altar of Theatre Dorkdom.  But as it is, I feel like a total asshole for being in this show. This frustrates Brad to no end, as he is enjoying the Daddy-Sadie bonding time and just wishes I would SHUT UP and ENJOY MYSELF already, but…I feel that impatience. That anxiousness. That undeniable pull of wanting to be at home with Sadie. What does it all meeeeeeean? When will it go awaaaaaaaaay? Will I ever enjoy being a complete Drama Nerd ever again?

God, I hope so.

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Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

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36 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sara  |  April 19, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    I know that anxious feeling (sans baby, of course). You have to just enjoy the moment and remind yourself that Sadie loves you and will one day totally appreciate that you’ve done things on your own. Seriously, independence is an important lesson.

    Reply
    • 2. jiveturkey  |  April 20, 2010 at 9:06 am

      Thanks, Sara. It really helps to hear that.

      Reply
  • 3. littleelle  |  April 19, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    DAMMIT, I GOOGLED IT.

    Reply
    • 4. jiveturkey  |  April 20, 2010 at 9:06 am

      Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

      Reply
  • 5. Kelly  |  April 19, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    Having already seen a picture of the inside of my colon, I do not need ulcer images taking up space in my head.

    And I totally agree with Sara. I’ve spent WAY too much time with my kids, and that means they cry half the time when I go anywhere solo. (Not making that up.) And they’re 6 and 4. Enough already with the crying, kids!

    Reply
    • 6. jiveturkey  |  April 20, 2010 at 9:06 am

      Thanks. These comments are making me feel so much better.

      Reply
  • 7. MLE  |  April 19, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    My friend Monkey once saw Adrian Grenier at a restaurant in LA. She said he was not terribly impressive in person.

    Reply
    • 8. jiveturkey  |  April 20, 2010 at 9:10 am

      I give him points for having a cool, old-fashioned move star name, but that’s it.

      Reply
  • 9. Amy  |  April 19, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    I don’t even know who Adrian Grenier is. Hi, I’m Amy, and I live under a rock. He does have slit eyes. On a not so unrelated note – am I the only one that thinks Anderson Copper and his never ending squinty eyes is annoying as all hell?

    Reply
    • 10. jiveturkey  |  April 20, 2010 at 9:12 am

      I’ve never really thought about it before, but…you’re right. OPEN UP YOUR EYES, Anderson! Or is your serious journalism too blinding?!?

      Reply
  • 11. Maggie  |  April 19, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    When my son was 6 months old, I started a job as a tax accountant. It sucked for a lot of reasons, not the least of which was that 2-3 times a year I’d work at least 2 80 hour weeks and never see him. It sucked so badly I got a different job after 2 years. When he got older (he is 7 now), I didn’t mind so much missing some time with him, but now that I have a 9 month old daughter, I feel that same way again. Long, rambling comment short, I got more comfortable with time away once my son got to be a little older, so I probably will get comfortable with it with my daughter eventually too. When they are babies though I felt exactly the same way.

    Reply
    • 12. jiveturkey  |  April 20, 2010 at 9:16 am

      80 hour weeks?! Good lord. Thanks for your comment, though. Definitely makes me feel less crazy. Unless we’re just both crazy.

      Reply
  • 13. Ri  |  April 19, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    I love how you can pin point feelings so acurately. Your love for Sadie and Brad when written on vairous things is so intense and beautiful. Im sure its the case for everyone but you can express your words really well, and in an entertaining way. I’d love to be able to do that. So thanks heaps for sharing your world with us, I read your updates regurlarly since I found your blog and its very enjoyable :O) Sadie is darn adorable by the way :O)
    Oh and Adrian toddler hair – totally agree. For some reason I dont like his nose, dunno why I just dont like it

    Reply
    • 14. jiveturkey  |  April 20, 2010 at 9:20 am

      Aw, thanks, my friend! Glad you’re enjoying the blog, and also sharing my disdain for random celebrities.

      Reply
  • 15. Alex Bradstreet  |  April 19, 2010 at 10:38 pm

    You nailed it, we are also magically compelled to watch that movie when it is on, but Adrian totally wrecks the mood and flow of the movie. She would not be with him, he would not have those friends, he would not be a chef…EVER!!!!
    Oh, and listen to yourself and “SHUT up and ENJOY yourself.” Trust me, as a Dad, the temporary shift in schedule and extra bonding time with a wee toddler is a wonderful gift!!!

    Reply
    • 16. jiveturkey  |  April 20, 2010 at 9:21 am

      Thanks! I’m trying. These comments are helping a ton.

      Reply
  • 17. magdalena  |  April 19, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    Enjoy being even a part time drama nerd, before the angel that is your Sadie becomes one.

    Honeeeee, ain’t enough stage in the world for little girl drama. except maybe pre-teen girl drama. or teen drama… wait. what?

    Reply
    • 18. jiveturkey  |  April 20, 2010 at 9:23 am

      I may need to start a separate blog to deal with the teen drama when it happens. I mean, I can’t even IMAGINE the sheer volume of WTF that will be involved.

      Reply
  • 19. Holly Jane  |  April 19, 2010 at 11:54 pm

    It gets better around age 6. Then worse again, when you realize it and feel horrible, crippling guilt.

    Yep, did grad school with a 1-year old. Torture. And he doesn’t remember any of it, so the agony goes unrewarded.

    Want costume pictures!

    Reply
    • 20. jiveturkey  |  April 20, 2010 at 9:22 am

      I’m afraid my costumes are gonna be pretty boring. But I do get prop glasses! Score!

      Reply
  • 21. edh  |  April 20, 2010 at 8:03 am

    Um, mine’s 12 and it was only a couple of years ago that I stopped feeling that way. I’m a recovering drama nerd, so I feel your pain, but it does get better. Still, I always had to ask myself; “at the end of my life, am I going to be saying ‘gosh, I wish I’d spent more time in the studio,’ or ‘ I’m so glad I had the time I did with my son when he was tiny?’ ”
    That’s kind of incoherent, sorry, and I’m going to make it worse by adding that my husband and son LOVED the time they had together without me.
    Keep muddling along, it will sort out, promise!

    Reply
    • 22. jiveturkey  |  April 20, 2010 at 9:24 am

      Thanks! It helps so much to hear stories from people who’ve been in the game longer than me.

      Reply
  • 23. kristin @ going country  |  April 20, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Yeah. I suspect if you weren’t working and were home all day, a little break at night might be appreciated instead of upsetting (not that I wish for a break at night–oh no, not me). But working all day and then being away from home at night? I can see how that would be hard.

    Reply
  • 24. Mermanda  |  April 20, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    In college I once stopped at a coffee shop after class and thought to myself, “Wow! That guy looks just like that curly haired dude from “Drive Me Crazy” (featuring Melissa Joan Heart, of course).” I thought nothing more of it until I heard a few days later that Adrian Grenier was on campus campaigning for John Kerry. Ha.

    (and yes, I think he’s cute. sorry!)

    Reply
  • 25. Marcy  |  April 20, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    Adrian Grenier just got his hair cut. He looks like even more of a tool.

    Reply
    • 26. jiveturkey  |  April 21, 2010 at 4:40 pm

      Haha! Can’t wait to investigate…

      Reply
  • 27. Lawyerish  |  April 20, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    I have that same contractual obligation to my vagina. What IS it about that movie? I think it’s Meryl Streep. She is so spot-on in that role. And Emily Blunt! Also fantastic. Oh, who am I kidding, it’s just a fun girly movie and I will watch it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I find it on TV. (See also: Center Stage).

    I know precisely the feeling you’re talking about, and even thinking about it makes me feel panicky. I think one thing I am learning about myself, and maybe this sort of applies here, is that I tend to assume that just because I feel a certain way NOW, I will for some reason feel that way FOREVER. Which is so not at all the case. Sometimes I feel a certain way for a VERY SHORT TIME; sometimes it goes away on its own, and sometimes I learn to deal with it, and sometimes I decide not to act in the way that brings on the feeling.

    Which sounds rather nonsensical, so…probably not helpful. My point is, you’ll finish this show and maybe take a break for a while because you really value your evenings with your family (which is FINE and NORMAL and LOVELY), and then perhaps you’ll try again at some undefined point in the future. It’s not like you have to decide TODAY whether you’ll ever do a play again.

    You’re cool. Carry on!

    Reply
    • 28. jiveturkey  |  April 21, 2010 at 4:39 pm

      One of my new life goals is to watch Center Stage with you.

      Reply
  • 29. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  April 20, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    Fellow theatre nerd chiming in… I totally get where you’re coming from, and thank your lucky stars that HoST is supportive (although really, what else would we expect from him, given his general level of awesomeness?). Yes, it’s difficult, but just remember that it’s only for a few weeks, and it really is good for you and for Sadie for you to have other interests besides her. And when she gets a little older it will help foster her interest in theatre and other worthy causes to know that you are involved in them.

    I may have shared before that my son did tell me once that “you like the Playhouse more than you like me” but then we discussed how he goes out for hockey and baseball and all those things, and I don’t accuse him of liking those things more than he likes me. And now he’s a little theatre geek in training hisownself.

    Hang in there. I think you made the right decision. And tech week is hell anyway – even if you didn’t have an adorable baby at home, you wouldn’t want to be there for tech week.

    So do you open Friday? We opened last Friday and I took a 4 hour nap on Saturday. Sleep-deprived much? Break a leg!

    Reply
    • 30. jiveturkey  |  April 21, 2010 at 4:39 pm

      We open saturday, thanks to a gallery crawl stealing our thunder on friday. But HEY, everybody – 4th reader and her show got an AWESOME review! WOOOOO!

      Reply
  • 31. Kylan  |  April 21, 2010 at 8:19 am

    Not to bring dorkdom back in here or anything… But I wonder if there’s an evolutionary componentbto this? Sadie is still little and vulnerable and she does need you. It makes sense that moms of young kids might feel a strong pull to stay close to them. As Sade gets older, the anxiety might diminish?

    Now, this doesn’t mean I don’t agree with everyone else- you need to do things for you and develop independence for both of your sakes. Sadie will be SO proud of her awesome mom!

    Reply
    • 32. jiveturkey  |  April 21, 2010 at 4:38 pm

      I bet it is evolutionary – and, unfortunately, I think it will be another 45 million years before the theatre geek component works its way into the human psyche.

      Thanks, m’lady.

      Reply
  • 33. eleanorstrousers  |  April 21, 2010 at 11:36 am

    Even sans baby or hubby, I have that feeling every time I choose “me time” over somewhere other people want me to be. And as former theatre geek myself, I can only imagine that rehearsal schedules for tech week would be the worst of that. Just think, Sadie can say her Mama is a star! How cool is that? Way cooler than “My Mom never left the house once when I was a child.”

    Reply
    • 34. jiveturkey  |  April 21, 2010 at 4:37 pm

      You speak the truth, my friend. Thank you.

      Reply
  • 35. Sarahviz  |  April 21, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    I may have to break up with you, Jive Turkey, b/c Adrian Grenier is #1 on my To Do list.

    Reply
    • 36. jiveturkey  |  April 21, 2010 at 4:36 pm

      No need to break up with me; I’m cool if you just bone him on the side and don’t tell me about it.

      Reply

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