Taking Requests

April 22, 2010 at 3:43 pm 24 comments

A few years ago, I attended the wrap-up party for a conference that Brad’s place of employment was hosting in our fair city (remember, SF Reader?). It was lots of fun: booze, cupcakes, music, booze, some dude who ended up with his tie wrapped around his head. As I am quite fond of laying my stank down on the dance floor, I sidled up to the DJ table at one point to request a song or two. Actually, let me rephrase that: I sidled up to the table of the HIGHLY TRAINED MUSICAL ART-EESTE (i.e., the 23-year-old grad student) who had so generously deigned to spend a few hours bathing us in the healing radiance of his funky freshness — not that any of us mere mortals could even begin to APPRECIATE said freshness — in exchange for our swooning adoration (and probably $45).  Unbeknownst to me, one does not  just REQUEST A SONG from such a god-amongst-men. He is not here to play  “Strokin’,” HE IS HERE TO CREATE ART!

Which was a bit confusing because he had just taken a request to play “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit’ It,” but I digress.

Anyway, DJ Jazzy Douche reacted to my request extremely rudely, and then proceeded to bitch about how he should not have to deal with REQUESTS, because OBVIOUSLY this was the western Pennsylvania conference reception equivalent to fucking Coachella, and he was, like, totally stressed out anyway because he had a group project due Monday in his Systems Management class and hadn’t even started working on it yet, GOD!

So, that’s my really convoluted way of telling you that I do take requests – ESPECIALLY requests to play Clarence Carter – and that today I’m going to write about two reader-suggested topics:

  1. Vagina bedazzling/”Vajazzling” (suggested by Cedar), and
  2. Ben Roethlisberger (suggested by fellow Pittsburgher Marcy)

Now, if you can find a blog post anywhere on the Internet that dares broach these two topics at once, I will…well, I was going to say I’d bedazzle my vagina, but my vagina is more of a conservative cardigan and pearls kind of lady, so I really can’t see that happening.

My vagina shops at Anne Taylor, is what I’m trying to say.

Soooo, the vagina bedazzling. Apparently, vaginas in the know really do refer to it as “vajazzling,” and there is a fancy website for it and everything. To save you the embarrassment of having to click that link, allow me to inform you (via my super-scientific and thoroughly embarrassed Googling) that the practice of vajazzling involves…shaving. And then the application of crystals. In a manner which I imagine would be very similar in purpose to those vibrant, chasing lights on airport runways.

PLEASE TO PARK YOUR JET HERE, MY GOOD SIR.

Vajazzling came to some attention when Jennifer Love Hewitt felt compelled to tell the media that she was all about decorating her Special Lady like a fucking Christmas tree — and really? I was not surprised. Because girlfriend will do just about anything for some media coverage, up to and including:

  1. Crying foul when people call her fat;
  2. Immediately losing weight after said fat-calling;
  3. Giving interviews about how she loves her new body, mere weeks after giving interviews about how she loved her old body;
  4. TELLING THE WORLD SHE LOVES STICKING DOO-DADS ON HER HOO-HA.

Um. Where are your nipples, exactly?

Then, it  seems Kathy Griffin got a Pap smear and subsequent vajazzling on live TV (because WHY NOT), and…oh, Internet, this is all making me very tired. I am a person who prefers to sleep and shower in her earrings because otherwise I will not remember to wear any, so the vagina accessories? Not so much for a low-maintenance broad such as myself.

But.

I have a confession to make.

Although I have thankfully outgrown most of my opinions, tastes, and regrettable phases from my early teen years (TAPESTRY VESTS, PERMS, ROBIN’S EGG BLUE ACID WASHED PURSES) (but srsly, that purse was kind of awesome), there is something I have not outgrown.

And no, I am not talking about being afraid to Touch It.

Internet, I LOVE CLAIRE’S.

You know – Claire’s.

OMG SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Yes, Claire’s: where cheap jewelry, headbands, and trashy white satin prom gloves go to die.  Was this place the Holy Grail for anyone else during adolescence? Remember their earring sales? Their mystery grab bags? Their amazing array of cheap flavored lip gloss (on a keychain!) that most certainly gave a bunch of lab rats a bunch of cancer?

This is a safe place. You can tell me you liked it. I bought earrings that looked like dice there. I won’t judge.

OMG this is them THIS IS THEM!

I haven’t been inside the cramped quarters of Claire’s for a few years, mostly because I’m too fucking embarrassed to be in there, but I’m tempted to go in every time I pass one. I think the last thing I actually purchased there was a little change purse (on which I was ALWAYS complimented, SO THERE), so it’s not like you’ll find hoards of High School Musical charm bracelets in my closets or anything, but MAN. Something about that place just draws me in.

And because I find myself so powerless in the face of Claire’s and its many-rhinestoned glory… I find myself hesitant to judge the vajazzling. I mean, it’s not for me, but if you really want to Hello Kitty the brewsterworks, well, GO TO TOWN.

I bet I know where you could find some AWESOME supplies.

(And they’re sensitive!)

Moving on to a decidedly less cute topic: Ben Roethlisberger, a.k.a. The Dude Who Owes Me A Lot Of Money For That Stupid Jersey I Bought And Now Don’t Want To Wear.

I realize that many of you don’t know (or care) about the whole Roethlisberger scandal, but it is BIG NEWS around here.  See, last year he was accused of assaulting a woman. He’s still not entirely out of the woods on that one, but there was a lot of sketchiness surrounding the accusation, most of which made the accuser look like a revenge-seeking victim of a one night stand. Ben’s reputation was definitely stained by the accusation, but it didn’t ruin him by any means.

Fast forward to earlier this year, when he garners himself ANOTHER assault accusation. This one is worse. Much skeevier. Much more evidence to suggest that yes, our beloved quarterback is indeed a rapey douchebag. He was not charged, but he’s been suspended for six games, and there’s talk of a potential trade. And  the rabid Steelers fan base is angry, my friends. We’ve had about enough of his dick-holery.

Of course, there’s a LOT of back-and-forth (mostly on Facebook, OMG I HATE FACEBOOK) about this, and it’s understandable. Ben wasn’t charged, but he fucked up. Does his punishment fit? Should it be more? Less? What about the other NFL players who have committed similar wrongdoings and were punished more/less harshly? What does that mean? There’s a lot of discussion about all of this — as there should be — and I don’t know how I feel about a lot of it except to say that some NFL players are the world’s best example of what happens when you give a jackass a ton of money and power and not a lot of boundaries.

OK, maybe second best example.

This makes me feel very conflicted about how much I like professional football, because one the one hand it’s hard to get excited about a sport that glorifies a bunch of wife-beating assholes, but on the other hand, there are a lot of fully admirable football players, and WOOO, FOOTBALL!

But getting back to the whole Roethlisberger thing, what bothers me most is the fact that some people choose to use this incident as an excuse to trot out the old, “Drunk whore sluts get what they deserve!” argument, which…no. I don’t care how drunk they were, I don’t care what kind of comments they were making or how tight their tops were or if they’d blown every guy in Georgia, if they were forced into anything, it was wrong, plain and simple. I admit I was (and still am) skeptical of Ben’s accuser last year, but this time around I get a very strong sense that there was a lot of coercion and crooked cops and slut-shamed girls behind the dropping of the charges.

And don’t even get me STARTED on that fucking hair.

(He has since shaved it, THANK GOD.)

In short: Ben, learn some fucking respect, common sense, and self control before I bedazzle your dick with a staple gun.

And you’d better believe I’d throw a couple of these on there for good measure.

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Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble, Taste my Backhand.

I Should Have Girded My Loins “Teach us some Shakespeare, bitch!”

24 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Ginger  |  April 22, 2010 at 4:56 pm

    Oh yeah, Claire’s was practically my second home during my teen years. I can still hear the click-click of the ear piercing gun…

    Reply
  • 2. Maggie  |  April 22, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    Delurking to say I had not heard about the bedazzling and now I’m not sure how feel about it other than confused? I can’t even be bothered to wear earrings because I forget about them and yet some folks out there have time for that. Doesn’t it hurt when wearing pants? Or do they take it off before getting dressed? I refuse to click on that link at work and find the answers to these questions. So instead I will just wonder about it.

    Reply
    • 3. MLE  |  April 22, 2010 at 5:24 pm

      Yeah, I want to know how these…jewels?…do not fall off or rub on things. It just all around seems like a less-than-comfortable practice.

      Reply
  • 4. Austin  |  April 22, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    Haaaaa. Love this post.

    I thought you said “my vagina STOPS at Ann Taylor” and I was afraid we weren’t going to be able to be friends anymore because DUDE. Ann Taylor rocks and no vagina is going to tell me different.

    Reply
  • 5. hillary  |  April 22, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    “OK, maybe second best example” made me love you even more than I already did. That and the dice earrings.

    Reply
  • 6. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  April 22, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    SRSLY, I think I had those exact same dice earrings.

    What I’m really curious about is – doesn’t vajazzling hurt when one is in the “throes” of “passion” – for both the woman AND her partner? You don’t want any plastic sticky jewels getting lodged anywhere unseemly, or at least I wouldn’t.

    I think that all pro- and college athletes should have to do some serious life skills training before they can even play. And their coaches need to as well. I know the NBA has done that because of how much younger their players have gotten, especially in the last decade or so. But they should all probably do it once a year so they have a chance to be reminded that YES, even pro-athletes actions have consequences.

    Reply
  • 7. magdalena  |  April 22, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    I can’t go into a Claire’s without feeling like I’m going to lose the most relevant meal. I honestly don’t know how anyone can work in one. I do have to admit, however, for the pre and tween set, nothing Nothing, NOTHING beats Claire’s trove of trendy-now, accessory goodness for gift giving.

    Further, I know the he has retired, but is still no less deserving of some man junk defacing – Tiki Barber. What a prick.

    Reply
  • 8. kristin @ going country  |  April 22, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    My engagement ring came from Claire’s.

    I’m not joking.

    See, when I got engaged, we had a total of $50 to our names. It was a Poor Time. So, no real ring. And apparently, the REAL jewelry stores (like the ones in the mall, which are obviously SO FANCY, except NOT) would not deign to carry something so crass as fake diamonds, as they condescendingly informed us when we asked.

    So we went to Claire’s, where I got a fake silver plastic ring with a fake plastic diamond for five bucks. And I got compliments on it. From people who didn’t really look at it, but still. Funny.

    Reply
  • 9. Marcy  |  April 22, 2010 at 8:58 pm

    First of all let me say that I am thrilled you answered my request! Kind of reminds me of how giddy I would get when the DJ put me on the radio to request some NKOTB back in the day. Heee!

    Anyhow, I am very curious about the vajazzling also but I agree it is not for me. I think it is strictly for the woman’s benefit though. Bored with the regular bikini wax? Try some rhinestones. Tired of the landing strip? Add alittle bling to your thing! I don’t think there are many men out there who look at “the box” and say, “That’s nice & all but damn, I wish you had some faux emeralds on that!” I bet most dudes would agree that you don’t need shiny stuff on your lady fluff.

    As for Ben R. – both of my #7 jerseys will be sitting in my closet. Innocent or guilty, he still creeps me out. It is such a bummer because I really thought he was a good QB & a decent dude who would be in town for a long time. It doesn’t help that you cannot escape the Ben story either. It is everywhere – news, radio, internet. I’ve had enough.

    Steeler Nation will recover. We always do. Now let’s stop worrying about the Steelers. There’s Stanley Cup playoffs going on right as we speak! Let’s go Pens!!!

    Reply
  • 10. Amy  |  April 22, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    Wow. And here I thought I knew all there was to know about vaginas. I stand corrected.

    p.s Jennifer Love Hewitt cannot act to save her life. After Party of Five was canceled, I thought, “well, at least we’ll never have to see HER again.” Wrong.

    Reply
  • 11. littleelle  |  April 23, 2010 at 9:27 am

    DUDE! CLAIRE’S! it’s like crack, for pre-teens (and grown women?)

    and no, the last time i was in there i DIDN’T drop $100.

    … 😦 !

    Reply
  • 12. Cedar  |  April 23, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Ahhhh JT, you did not disappoint. Thank you for all those laughs at work, I can’t get enough in this barren wasteland. I’m stealing yet another line from you. No, sir, I won’t do that, “…my vagina is more of a conservative cardigan and pearls kind of lady.”

    And I love Claire’s. The two times a year I find myself in the mall, I always start walking towards Claire’s, involuntarily. Then I suddenly I become self-conscious and walk the opposite direction right before I cross the doorway.

    I hadn’t heard of Roethlisberger but it sounds like he’s earned himself a spot in the VIP hall of fame of douchecanoes.

    Reply
  • 13. Sarah  |  April 23, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    The fact that I can no longer access your blog from work makes me not want to work there anymore. Bastards.

    Onto the vajazzling thing, what happens (as MLE suggested) if the pattern gets disturbed whilst wearing underwear? Does your “cute” heart become some sort of murder scene bloodbath? Because there’s nothing sexier than a befuddled pile of jewels in your pants.

    Reply
  • 14. Maggie  |  April 23, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    Sorry, now serially commenting to say Marcy: if “add a little bling to your thing” isn’t the current tag line for the vajazzling thing they need to fix that immediately.

    Reply
  • 15. Megan (Best of Fates)  |  April 23, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    Claires! I used to be all about Claires when I was younger (and who wasn’t?) and was reminded of my youthful obsession while visiting my cousin last fall. Before seeing a movie, she convinced me (see: said okay when I suggested) we stop into Claires, where she tried to find earring that would fit her parents restrictions and I bought roughly 4 thousand pairs, which I claimed were for a friend but were in fact for myself.

    Summary: Claires is awesome, and I’m a loser, but thankfully I’ve artfully hidden that fact from my cousin.

    Reply
  • 16. Megan (Best of Fates)  |  April 23, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    p.s.~ I totally thought your post was going to discuss finding jewelry for down-there-bedazzling, and I was going to be horrified, but not shocked.

    Reply
  • 17. SF Reader  |  April 23, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    So, the thing I remember about that incident at said party was that a) I didn’t know anything had happened until b) the following Monday when Brad was STILL SUPER DUPER PISSED that someone had been RUDE to his wife. I recall the “grumble grumble damn dj grumble grumble dj grumble” going on for a remarkably long time. I have to say it made me love him even more that I already did. He was like the nobody-puts-baby-in-the-corner model husband, ready to defend his lady’s honor to DEATH. Also, as is his tendency, he came up with some really, really funny jokes about it, so I did also get a whole bunch of laughing in as a result.

    Reply
  • 18. sweetbird  |  April 23, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    First, vajazzling terrifies me. Second, Roethlisberger’s hair makes me want to vomit.

    Also, he’s a douche.

    Reply
  • 19. Swistle  |  April 24, 2010 at 9:34 pm

    OMG, I would shop at Claire’s ALL THE TIME if their stupid AISLES would accommodate a stupid STROLLER. Which they won’t. So I have to wait until my youngest is beyond the maturity of a stupid CHIMP. Which doesn’t seem like it’s going to be ANYTIME SOON.

    Reply
  • 20. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  April 25, 2010 at 1:46 am

    Yeah, when I heard about JLH and the vajazzling, I think the quote was something like “It helps me feel better about my body.” And I thought, if the only way you can feel good about your body is by plastering little stick-on jewels on your lady parts, you are just… I don’t know…beyond help. Beyond my comprehension, anyway.

    On the bright side, this post is going to do wonders for your Googlemania stats.

    Reply
  • 21. Cedar  |  April 26, 2010 at 9:44 am

    I’m still convinced that women are going to start having adhesive rashes or that doctors will find these jewels lodged in places that rhinestones just shouldn’t be headed… BUT here’s another problem…where does the madness end?!!
    http://www.glamour.com/fashion/blogs/slaves-to-fashion/2010/04/omfg-a-new-product-designed-to.html

    Reply
  • 22. Mermanda  |  April 26, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    I wasn’t really sure how you were going to be able to connect the two topics… but damn girl. You’re good.

    Reply
  • 23. Suniverse  |  April 28, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    I’m not sure how I ended up on your blog, but thanks so much for this post. It was DELIGHTFUL. And not just because I narrowly escaped a trip to Claire’s with my teenage daughter earlier this evening.

    Reply
  • 24. Kay  |  May 13, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Look at it this way, if there is to be an upside to Sadie’s aging (other than no more diapers) it should at least get to be that in a few years you’ll have a perfectly reasonable excuse for going to Clares 😉

    Reply

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