“Teach us some Shakespeare, bitch!”

April 27, 2010 at 10:59 am 10 comments

That quote is:

  1. What a student said to my friend during her first year of teaching English to “troubled” high school kids, and
  2. Why I am terrified of teenagers, and
  3. The reason I am dreading today’s matinée performance at which high schoolers will be present, therefore ensuring I will at some point be harassed while onstage.

Not unlike the high school matinée of Macbeth I once endured, during which those little fuckers threw COINS and ACORNS at us, then laughed when Macbeth was beheaded.

(OK, the beheading was pretty funny.)

Thankfully, I only have a couple scenes, and I don’t utter any of the play’s more sexual lines, but the play has two gay characters and deals with pregnancy, abortion, various losses of virginity, and blow job jokes. We are begging for snickers and smart-ass comments, and possibly worse. BEGGING.

Also — as a side note — where were these field trips to see blow job plays when I was in school? Alls we ever got to go see were the fucking Harlem Globetrotters and a D.A.R.E. anti-drug rally where some lame-ass band sang “Mony Mony” and replaced most of the lyrics with “Just Say No.”

For the record, the thing I remember most from my D.A.R.E. days was that the police officer who was assigned to my sixth grade classroom once yelled at me in front of everyone because he thought my answer to a question in my stupid fucking D.A.R.E. notebook wasn’t thorough enough. ME! A total nerd! I fucking guarantee it was not only thorough, but perfectly spelled and crafted with impeccable penmanship.

Fuck you, Officer Shannon. You’ll be happy to know I dedicated all my bong hits to you.

On that note, I take my leave to hop a bus in the direction of my imminent mocking. Wish me luck.


Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

Taking Requests PAY IT FORWARD: Boobs of the Round Table

10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. HoST  |  April 27, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Break a leg, baby! Hope you don’t get too thoroughly scorned!

  • 2. Maggie  |  April 27, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Good luck. Trying so hard to resist cracking a Kiss Me Kate joke about kicking them in the Coriolanus, but failing miserably. See, I’m still going to leave this comment even though it’s incredibly geeky. I have no self control when it comes to corny musical lyrics.

  • 3. littleelle  |  April 27, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    eep! have FUN!

  • 4. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  April 27, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    Hey now. We’re not all horrible…

    • 5. jiveturkey  |  April 27, 2010 at 4:52 pm

      Actually, they ended up being the best audience we’ve had so far. Go, Youth of America!

      • 6. Daughter of 4th Reader  |  April 27, 2010 at 6:05 pm

        Really? Something has been done right! Yeahh!

  • 7. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  April 27, 2010 at 11:47 pm

    (Fucking ISP crashed just as I finished typing this the first time. Grr)

    Glad they were a good house. I was thinking that this might be some subject matter they could possibly be interested in and give a shit about, rather than all that Shakespearean bs in Macbeth.

    Speaking of field trips, I did a volunteer gig for My Place Of Employment today in which I taught a financial literacy class to a 5th grade classroom. Turns out they assigned me to a local Catholic elementary school, so I started out my day with a reading from the Acts of the Apostles, and the Pledge of Allegiance. Made me think of the chicken abortion guest post, but I didn’t share that with the little darlings.

  • 8. Kelly  |  April 28, 2010 at 11:07 am

    Too bad that friend couldn’t have had an equally vulgar retort: You want to get all King Lear on your ass?

  • 9. Kelly  |  April 28, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Too bad that friend couldn’t have had an equally vulgar retort: You want me to get all Titus Andronicus on your ass?

  • 10. Kelly  |  April 28, 2010 at 11:09 am

    (Oops, busted. Because Titus Andronicus is aptly more violent.)


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