PAY IT FORWARD: Boobs of the Round Table

April 29, 2010 at 3:46 pm 20 comments

Oh, Internet. It’s been a while since we’ve paid a bitch forward up in here, so I humbly offer up a double-header of classic sexist forward bullshit for your enjoyment. This week’s installment covers a broad range of topics: boobs, religion, and classic literary archetypes.

Ah, archetypes. One of those terms that takes me straight back to high school English class, where we read piles of classic literature, yet the only parts I seem to remember are things like Jake Barnes getting his junk blown up in the war. Such are the dangers of teaching classics to teenagers, I suppose.

Let’s start off with a painfully lame forward about bras (yes, BRAS) submitted to me courtesy of lovely reader Kathryn, who swears that her forward-happy friends are usually perfectly intelligent and reasonable people, but lo, I’m afraid no one will be picking up what you’re putting down, Kathryn, after we all partake of this asstastic mess:

Subject: Fw: WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA]

Ah, poor little orphaned Oliver Twist end bracket! No one to claim you, no one to buy your matches, no one to begin the words-not-attributable-to-the-quoted-author that you so valiantly try to end on your own.

Oh, ladies, I can’t TELL you how many times I’ve sent my husband to Macy’s to BUY A FUCKING BRA FOR ME. I mean, right?

HA HA, stupid unobservant man! Just like a man! Oh, men! With their unobservant ways! Mars! Venus! Asking for directions!

Also, it seems we’ve switched verb tenses a few times now – KEEP UP, PEOPLE.

A sea of bras? Aw, I love it when the forward tries to write.

Wait – who’s talking? The man? The saleslady? Oliver Twist bracket? Anyone?

Ugh. Brace yourself.

Srsly, it’s bad.

I am doing this right now:

Oh, but it’s not over!

You might as well go ahead and cringe in advance.


Well, that certainly narrows things down.

But at least it’s over now.

Holy shit.

So, obviously, some Rodney Fucking Dangerfield read this email and just HAD to add his own lame-ass two cents, EVEN THOUGH — last time I checked — “German” was not a religion.

I don’t know, Internet. This entire forward is making me feel really gross about even HAVING boobs. Let’s move on, shall we?

This next delight comes to us courtesy of Marcy:

Subject: FW: Arthur and the Witch

This is already the worst story I’ve ever read.

Oh, come on. Mel “Sugar Tits” Gibson already tackled this question, and — if memory of my 20-odd partial-viewings of that film on TBS serves — the answer has something to do with Helen Hunt.

DO NOT WANT, ACKSHULLY.

So, even the princess — a woman — could not tell him what women want? Well, that makes sense.

Exorbitant prices? Why do I suddenly feel like we’re in a Mattress Discounters commercial?

And also, wasn’t he, like, in love with some prostitute or something?

WORST. LANCELOT. EVAR.

And don’t even get me STARTED about the witch. ZING!

Sounds like someone was trying to get a little sword in the stone, if you know what I mean.

Oh. Well, that’s kind of nice, I guess?

Really? It was wonderful? I’m having a hard time picturing Lancelot and this hideously deformed witch happily sharing a plate of chicken marsala and a slow dance to “Always & Forever.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake, why is this story still happening?

And Lancelot was all, “I’m kind of into dudes, so unless you can rustle up a penis, I don’t really give a shit.”

YES YES FUCKING OKAY, just get on with the fucking story.

(Also: “wondrous intimate moments?” Gross.)

Oh no.


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Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.

“Teach us some Shakespeare, bitch!” Walk It Out

20 Comments Add your own

  • 1. hillary  |  April 29, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    why doesn’t Lancelot just enjoy his wondrous intimate moments during the day?

    I can’t believe I read that whole thing. I kind of hate myself a little bit right now.

    Reply
    • 2. SF Reader  |  April 29, 2010 at 8:23 pm

      Hillary, you are brilliant. That is totally what he should have chosen: “I’ll take day. Daytime sex = better. Plus bragging rights with my homies. Oh, and you can sleep in the Guest Castle.”

      Reply
  • 3. kristin @ going country  |  April 29, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    I can’t bring myself to comment on those lame-ass forwards, so instead let me say that my husband, of his own volition, actually went into a Motherhood store and bought me a nursing bra because I could never get out of the house and didn’t have any bras that fit.

    These are the things that are never portrayed in Hollywood romance movies, but anyone who is actually married knows that these are the things that make you fall in love with your spouse all over again.

    Reply
    • 4. Holly Jane  |  April 29, 2010 at 7:21 pm

      Mine did that, too! Well, ex-husband, actually. We had some wondrous intimate moments leading up to the Motherhood visit.

      Reply
      • 5. SF Reader  |  April 29, 2010 at 8:25 pm

        Haha! Awesome!

  • 6. Amy  |  April 29, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    It’s like a train wreck – you want to turn away, but just can’t.

    Reply
  • 7. swistle  |  April 29, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    Oh god. And why in these stories does the ugly woman always turn out to be beautiful after all? In this case, in fact, her beauty is a REWARD. OMG.

    Reply
    • 8. jiveturkey  |  May 3, 2010 at 9:32 am

      I KNOW.

      Reply
  • 9. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  April 29, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    I had seen that whole Arthur/Lancelot/witch thing before and yet I still read it all the way through (mostly to get JT’s comments). One thing I wondered about before (and still do) is how exactly the neighbouring monarch was gonna kill Arthur after the year was up. Attack Camelot? Or was Arthur just going to be all noble and Arthurian and surrender? And doesn’t this kinda fuck up the whole “Camelot” storyline with Lance & Gwen cheating on Arthur and all?

    Reply
  • 10. Holly Jane  |  April 29, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    AHHHAHAHA – sorry, I got sidetracked because I was formulating a post yesterday with that EXACT SAME PICTURE OF HELEN HUNT after someone mistook my identity at the store and that was my best guess as to which celebrity they thought I might have been. You are psychic! And now you owe me a blog post, usurper.

    Reply
    • 11. jiveturkey  |  May 3, 2010 at 9:32 am

      WEIRD! Also, people have told me I look like Helen Hunt. This is possibly the worst insult I’ve ever received. But I’ve never actually been mistaken for her. (And WTF, by the way? You look nothing like her.)

      Reply
      • 12. Holly Jane  |  May 3, 2010 at 4:36 pm

        The lady refused to say who she thought I was. She had said, “Is it REALLY you?!” and then got flustered and ran away. So maybe I was someone important, like… a blonde important person in capris with an armful of meat. I have no idea. A friend of mine once thought very carefully about who should play me in a movie and said, firmly, Helen Hunt. I think – hope – it is a mannerism thing. I would have said Nicholas Cage.

  • 13. Sandrine  |  May 1, 2010 at 3:08 am

    That’ s a great way to feel good again after reading all that shite that goes around the internet! Can’t believe the number of people who send me things like that. Even my mother for f’s sake!

    Reply
    • 14. jiveturkey  |  May 3, 2010 at 9:30 am

      Send them to meeeeee!

      Reply
  • 15. Marcy  |  May 1, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    When I hear “wondrous intimate moments” I think of those Will Farrell & Rachel Dratch sketches from SNL of the “lovahs.

    Also, I have banned my mother from sending me any more forwards.

    Reply
  • 16. Kelly  |  May 1, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    Gag. But it does kind of make me wish I still received emails like this, just to tear them apart.

    (Also, I want to sit on Richard Gere’s face.)

    Reply
  • 17. sweetbird  |  May 3, 2010 at 12:19 am

    ::facepalm::

    Also, what’s with the little smiley face at the very bottom of the page?

    Reply
    • 18. jiveturkey  |  May 3, 2010 at 9:30 am

      I dunno! I think it’s some weird WordPress template thing.

      Reply
  • 19. Alyce  |  May 3, 2010 at 11:41 am

    Wow.
    Terrible. Epically terrible.

    Reply
  • 20. The New Girl  |  May 3, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Unless you can rustle up a penis…omfg.

    Still lahaaaffing.

    Reply

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