PAY IT FORWARD: Women Sure Are Amazing for a Bunch of Fat, Ugly Bitches!

May 13, 2010 at 11:43 am 5 comments

Today’s PAY IT FORWARD is a bit of a yin and yang, Internet. That is, if yin and yang were two completely ridiculous and aggravating halves of an even more infuriating whole.

To wit.

I knew I was in for something stellar when I received an email with the subject line “FW: Womanese,” but I really didn’t expect this:

Did I mention this was sent to me BY A WOMAN?

Let me repeat that: A WOMAN sent this to me. A WOMAN. And — to my knowledge — no one made her surrender her vagina afterwards, as should have happened, because perpetuating this kind of shit isn’t cute or funny, it just makes us all look stupid.

“Stupid,” huh? Hmm. Interesting that “stupid” isn’t anywhere on that list up there…but wait! That’s because it’s perfectly fine to be a stupid woman, just as long as you’re not fat, sexually experienced, assertive, or over 40. And to that I say:

NSFW! (And also, probably my favorite line of all time.)

Friends, I have a sense of humor. Really, I do. If it’s funny, I’ll laugh, whether it be about diarrhea or cancer or clubbing baby seals. But this shit? Isn’t funny. It has the stink of being written by some asshole middle-aged bachelor while alone in his apartment and drunk on Miller High Life. You know the guy — the sleazy fuckwad who sidles up to you in a bar, willfully ignoring how you’re trying to ignore HIM, pretending he doesn’t see your wedding ring, getting pissed off when you politely inform him he’s wasting his time? THAT guy. And as far as I’m concerned, he can shove his forward up his ass and go buy a neon mesh shirt somewhere. I’m through.

On the flip side of the PAY IT FORWARD! coin is this lovely delight sent to me care of Simon from A Girl and A Boy. Why someone sent it to Simon…well, I’ll let you try to figure that one out. Perhaps the sender momentarily forgot that Simon does not currently own a uterus? One can only guess.

Subject: Fwd: Love you!

Even if “being you” means having a penis, I suppose.

Yes, all that hurting and leaving really made me awesome at…being hurt and left! Damn, God! You harsh!

Oh, snap. Whoever sent this to Simon probably didn’t get her happy something. READ THE GUIDELINES, PEOPLE! It matters on college applications and it matters on the inane pseudo-curses of email forwards!

Translation: Every gross generalization you have ever heard about women being uncontrollable, overly-emotional masses of hormones is absolutely right. I mean, I wouldn’t stand too close to one. She might have her period all over your shoes or something.

(For the record, I have never fucking SANG when I wanted to CRY, are you fucking kidding me?!)

As opposed to men, who bow to injustice, steal food out of their kids’ mouths, love conditionally, and frequently go to the doctor with frightened friends just so they can talk about horrific ass cancer in the car on the way there.

I don’t know about you, but I usually fly into a rage at a wedding or birth announcement, and generally enjoy it when someone dies.

Hold up hold up hold up: THEY HAVE IDEAS?!

Well, now, this is just getting ridiculous.

And…Simon?

Perhaps laying off the neckerchiefs would help?

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Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.

The Finish Line Hulkin’ Out

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. MLE  |  May 13, 2010 at 11:50 am

    You had me at “ass cancer”.

    Also, I love Simon dearly, but for a penis-having person, he’s quite in touch with his feminine side. Although he’d make an exceedingly unattractve woman without an extensive regimen of eletrolysis.

    Reply
  • 2. HoST  |  May 13, 2010 at 11:55 am

    I want that Joan Crawford clip on a loop in my office.

    Reply
  • 3. simon  |  May 13, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    JT,

    I do, in fact own a uterus. It just isn’t inside my own body. Boo-yah! Take that, women!

    -Simon

    PS. I totally have that vest.

    Reply
  • 4. sweetbird  |  May 13, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    I can’t even lie – I couldn’t make it past the first few sentences of the second forward. Inane, vapid, horseshit.

    I’m going to go be a fat, slutty, stupid woman now…it seems that’s all we’re good at.

    Although, to be fair, if all I knew about females was the type of garbage from the second forward I might be tempted to write something similar to the first email.

    Reply
  • 5. Kelly  |  May 14, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Oh. My. God.

    Do you need any political forwards? Because I got one the other day that made my head spin, my eyes turn yellow and pop out, and my heart cease to beat.

    Reply

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