May 17, 2010 at 2:36 pm 36 comments

Starting off this post with an immediate tangent: have you ever heard of the raw food diet? Does this make anyone else sad? I realize that some people have to eat in this manner due to allergies or other health issues, but choosing this diet? I’m all for healthy living, but a life without donuts or melted cheese or pizza is no life at all.

I’m pretty sure the Founding Fathers said that.

In other news: HANCOCK.


Tangent the second: In 7th grade, one of my most prized possessions was a cassette single (or cassingle, for those of you cool [read: OLD] enough to remember) of Technotronic’s time-honored classic, “Get Up.”* On the B-side of the tape was their lesser known and less impressive song, “Raw.” Despite only having listened to this song all of maybe four times, it still gets stuck in my head. Especially the little record-scratchy part that goes all “Wick-a-wickawicky LIKE IT RAW!”

Wow. That was a scintillating story. Anyone still reading?

Forgive my stalling (I am really, really, really good at stalling…have you noticed? I’m doing it right now!), but I’m fixin’ to write about feelings and shit, and it’s just a lot easier to make jokes about Founding Fathers.


OK, on with it: I’m feeling a bit raw, emotionally. One of those times when everything seems overwhelming and I can’t bear to be left alone with my own thoughts, mostly because those thoughts tend to wander to things like “What if Sadie goes on a field trip one day at school and the bus gets into a fiery accident OMG WHERE’S THE WINE.” I’m pretty sure this is, uh, a hormonal issue, but experience tells me the quickest way to get this shit out of my mind is to write about it or talk about it. And since you all are so great at making me feel not crazy, here we go.

Because I generally tend to avoid things that I know will send me into a whirlwind of sadness/anxiety/schoolbus-inferno thoughts, I make it my general policy to steer clear of things like sad movies (FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING NOTEBOOK) and tragic news stories. But, oh, people get sneaky with that shit, Internet. Yesterday, while Sadie napped, I cracked the cover of my favorite magazine inside  of which I want to live, Real Simple. I like this magazine mostly because of its overall style, but also because it has a distinct lack of “I Bought the Wrong Shampoo and My Baby Up and Died!” horror stories that you sometimes see in other lady-friendly periodicals.

Exhibit A

(Also, may I direct your attention to the semi-edited-out sidebar there on the left, where there is an entire category dedicated to “Dysfunctional Relationships.” Sounds like grand fun!)

Anyhoo, while perusing pretty pictures of hostess gifts or some shit, I started to read an article this woman wrote about her hair.

HER HAIR. What could be a more fucking neutral, non-baby-dyin’ topic, right?

Oh, but the lady who wrote this article was good. Right in the middle of her fluffy tale of how her hairstyles paralleled her life over the years, she slipped in a casual reference to that one time her daughter caught a virulent strain of strep AND DIED.

And then I had a Real Simple heart attack and watched Sadie breathe for the duration of her nap, the end.

That story weighed on my heart all evening (and into today, obviously), and I waver between feeling strangely obligated to let the sadness fester (that poor woman is living the stuff of my nightmares, the least I can do is…feel sad? Right?), and indulging the urge to play Free Cell and surf I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER for distraction’s sake.

DO NOT WANT!!1!!!11

I am usually pretty good at refocusing myself on the positive whenever I stumble on something that makes me a sad clown. It typically only takes me a few hours to trick myself into believing that the world is all pancakes and nachos and frolicking baby horses (shut up, that sounds like an awesome world to me), but this task has become significantly harder since I gave birth to the cutest thug I know.


I guess this is all part and parcel of becoming a parent, right? It kind of always feels as though my heart is sitting in the middle of a 6-lane freeway in metro Atlanta, one false move away from being completely obliterated. Before Sadie was born, I felt this way about Brad (and still do, of course). But now I have more, so much more to lose.

Verdict: totally worth it.

I, uh, don’ t really have an end to this post, but I do feel better. So, thank you. May you all have a day full of the little things that make you happy, and for fuck’s sake, don’t read any magazines.

I don’t know what I love more: that this magazine has an “Unsolvable Conflicts” section, or that her husband was so fucking boring she had to write to fucking Ladies Home Journal about it. And he’s the boring one?

*I watched that video five times, because — as it turns out — my brain has retained every last word of that awesome song, right down to the dude saying “GET ON UP!” in the background. Brain, you may forget to bring wipes to daycare for three solid days in a row, but as long as you still hold on to things like this, we’re cool.


Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

Hulkin’ Out Therapists I Have Known (With Bonus Baby Bitch Slapping!)

36 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Simon  |  May 17, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    When I worry about things like this, I simply consult my statistics manual. How many babies are there? Lots and lots. How many of them die? Very few. Then I watch some porn and have some bourbon. Problem solved.

    • 2. jiveturkey  |  May 18, 2010 at 10:16 am

      I like this way of thinking. I may have to adopt it myself (especially the bourbon).

  • 3. Sara  |  May 17, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    I don’t have kids, but I do have a warped mind that always thinks of random “what if…?” situations that often involve horrible things happening to my family, including my nieces and nephews, of course. The same warped mind also ALWAYS migrates to the tragic stories in magazines and the like. Stupid mind. Anyway, I hope writing about it did make you feel better because I offer no advice, obviously.

    I do have a Technotronic story! My cousin bought me the album for my 11th birthday…and I was excited! But not so much for the Alannah Myles tape she gave me along with it (“Black Velvet” is right up there behind that song by the 4 Non Blondes that I never want to hear again). And my cousin walked in on me telling all my friends that! Such a cool cat. I still get excited to rock out to “Pump Up The Jam” when I hear it on the radio. Makes no sense given most of musical tastes, I know.

    • 4. jiveturkey  |  May 18, 2010 at 10:18 am

      Ha! Oh, Black Velvet. I have totally sung that song at karaoke. Feel free to lose a little respect for me.

      • 5. Sara  |  May 18, 2010 at 2:27 pm

        Maybe a little. However, if you say you even so much as considered singing the 4 Non Blondes song, we may have to call this whole thing off. Say it ain’t so, sister.

  • 6. Lawyerish  |  May 17, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    I’m dying over the “My Husband is Boring.” What a plea for help. And now I’m going to have to go to the LHJ site to find out if, in fact, that marriage can be saved.

    I am so right there with you on the general “what if” freakout mode. I have always been a pro at catastrophic thinking, but now that I have a baybee of mah own, it’s…well, last night I laid in bed for an hour thinking about how there was an infinitesimal chance that somehow the artwork that hangs over Felicity’s crib could fall off the wall (on its own, mind you; it’s not like we’re on a major fault line here…OR ARE WE?) and it could smash right into her crib on top of her and TOTAL HORROR WOULD ENSUE. I actually contemplated going into her room and taking the thing off the wall just so I could get to sleep. And that is WITHOUT having read any kind of Terrible, Tragic Article.

    I like Simon’s method of considering the cold, hard numbers, although even that is not always soothing to a maternal mind dedicated to inventing and obsessing about Worst-Case Scenarios.

    Although I’m thinking some pancakes and nachos would go a long way to balming this particular ailment. Tiny horses optional.

    • 7. jiveturkey  |  May 18, 2010 at 10:20 am

      Oh dude, we were one crazy step ahead of you: we hung NOTHING over the crib, and I was going to put some plastic wall decals up instead, until Brad said “What if they peel off and land over her nose & mouth and she can’t breathe?!?!” You have to admit, that is a pretty impressive display of Crazy.

  • 8. Amy  |  May 17, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    I cannot believe how much I worry ever since H&T were born. It’s amazing I can even function or get through the days. I’m such a fatalist to begin with – having children was probably not the smartest move for me.

    I have absolutely crazy daydreams about “what if Haley goes on a field trip…in the mountains…and they’re up really high…and there’s no railing…and some kids pushes her over the edge…..” Once I catch my breath and stop crying, my day continues. Ya. That’s the sort of shit I think about all the time.

    I guess I’ll have clean carpets and peace of mind when I’m dead. Until then, I want to smother my kids with kisses and never let them out of my site.

    • 9. jiveturkey  |  May 18, 2010 at 10:22 am

      I feel ya. This parenting gig entails a lot more worrying than I anticipated. On the bright side, it also entails a lot of cool stuff to balance it out. (But still: PARALYZING WORRY.)

  • 10. kristin @ going country  |  May 17, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    Yeah. Lately whenever I hear stories of Dysfunctional Celebrity Couples or just Ordinary Dysfunctional Couples (and I hear A LOT about those, thanks to my husband’s work for the Public Defender), I always think of their kids first. Like, how awful must it be to have the misfortune of being born to Jon and Kate. Those poor children.

    • 11. jiveturkey  |  May 18, 2010 at 10:23 am

      I KNOW. I think of those poor kids all the damn time. It’s awful awful AWFUL what they’re having to grow up around. What a fucking circus. I hope they all beat the odds and end up happy adults with functional relationships, but that seems like a pretty tall order at this point.

  • 12. kristin @ going country  |  May 17, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    In addition, I spend a lot of time imploring Cubby to PLEASE not grow up to be the kind of loser who steals a can of cat food from the convenience store and faces two years in jail because of it–one of A.’s more memorable cases. I really don’t want a “Mama tried” situation here.

  • 13. Austin  |  May 17, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    I have terrible “this is so obscure and unlikely but it will TOTALLY HAPPEN TO ME OR SOMEONE I LOOOOOVE” syndrome. It is pretty much second nature for me to get all worked up about bad stuff that could happen. The worst part is that I am drawn to the horror; I seek it out. I can’t help it. I guess some part of me likes to obsess? I have a weird fascination with true crime and, uh, I hope I am not sounding super freaky right now. Because really I am quite normal and nice…just kinda fascinated/horrified by how messed up some people are. My husband tells me all the time I’ve spent reading/watching shows about crime will come back to bite me on the ass when we have kids. (I know he is right.)

    And the boring husband article? HAAAAAA. Lame-o.

    • 14. jiveturkey  |  May 18, 2010 at 10:25 am

      I used to LOVE the true crime shows on A&E, and also those true crime episodes of Dateline and what have you. For some reason, I was able to watch them without letting them freak me out, but I haven’t been that interested in them lately (probably because I’m too busy watching marathons of 16 and Pregnant, but WHATEVER).

  • 15. Maggie  |  May 17, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    When my son was born, I basically stopped watching the news or reading the paper because I could not handle being blindsided by that shit all the time. It’s been over 7 years and just as I was starting to consider reading the paper again, I had a second child and am now right back where I started. Very occasionally in my job I have to read a lot of cases about pedofiles and on those days I have to have a very large gin and tonic when I get home and practice trying to forget everything I’ve read all day or else I spend the night feeling panicked and hostile and planning on just how I would Dexter-ize someone who did that to my kids. Damned job, I should have been a window washer or something.

    • 16. jiveturkey  |  May 18, 2010 at 10:28 am

      I hear you on the Dexterization…

      I don’t know how you are able to deal with that stuff at work. It must take a while to get those things out of your mind.

  • 17. Maggie  |  May 17, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    Also, how did she not know her husband was boring before they got married? Am extremely curious about that “unsolvable conflict” now.

    • 18. jiveturkey  |  May 18, 2010 at 10:25 am

      That’s exactly what I wondered. I started reading the article, but it was really annoying. I mean, bitch please. You married him. Suck it up.

  • 19. sweetbird  |  May 17, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Pancakes, nachos and baby horses? Sign me up.

    • 20. jiveturkey  |  May 18, 2010 at 10:28 am

      I want nachos so bad right now.

      Actually, nacho desire is a permanent state of being for me.

  • 21. Swistle  |  May 17, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    ACK, me too. And also: I think stories and TV shows and movies and books and people telling anecdotes should ALL be REQUIRED to mention BEFOREHAND if the following show or movie or book or anecdote contains ANYTHING AT ALL in which ANYTHING AT ALL happens to a child.

    • 22. jiveturkey  |  May 18, 2010 at 10:29 am

      YES. The Surgeon General needs to look into this.

  • 23. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  May 17, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    I wasn’t that paranoid about the first child, oddly enough, probably because she was cautious and didn’t give me much to worry about. My son, however… I spent several years of his toddlerhood convinced that he was going to drown, and I came up with all kinds of creative ways it would happen. My favorite (looking back on it) was the time I was sure he would fall off the hotel balcony into the indoor swimming pool.

    • 24. jiveturkey  |  May 18, 2010 at 10:30 am

      Well, the thought of a child falling off the hotel balcony into the pool just made me dizzy with anxiety, so I suppose I’m not really at a place where I can laugh at my paranoia yet. EEEEEE.

  • 25. Jenn  |  May 18, 2010 at 10:16 am

    I eat a mostly raw diet. It means that I have a lot of energy, I rarely get sick, and I have almost no aches and pains from the arthritis I was born with.

    My grandmother (from whom I inherited the arthritis, btw) told me this: She and her friend were married around the same time. My grandfather was a pilot in the Air Force, flying in multiple wars and traveling all over the world to lecture about international cooperation. Her friend’s husband drove a bread truck. My grandfather died of old age, surrounded by his family just last year. Her friend’s husband was killed in a car accident 4 months after they were married. She doesn’t worry. There’s no point.

    Does it help me? ….uhm… sometimes… It at least helps me keep things in perspective. You can’t help worrying about the ones you love (I spend sleepless nights hoping my little brother is safe & not in jail or being killed by transvestite coke-dealing hookers), but you definitely can’t let it cripple your enjoyment of your life!
    Not that you are. Just sayin’.

    • 26. jiveturkey  |  May 18, 2010 at 10:33 am

      No, you’re absolutely right. Like Sara said in the comments of the last post (via a quote from freaking VAN WILDER, which is brilliant), worrying gives you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere. SO, SO TRUE.

      I am absolutely certain that if I steered my diet towards more raw-ness, I’d feel awesome. I considered trying to give up dairy for this same reason. But…oh, cheeeeeese. I LOVE CHEESE. I don’t think my will power is quite strong enough just yet. So, can you not eat baked goods?

  • 27. CFoST  |  May 18, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    I see my worrying as a way to never be surprised by the worst possible things in life that could happen. Yes, it’s unhealthy, and yes, I do it far less than I used to (thank you, xanax!). I always have wondered about how any parent can be so non-chalant about their kids’ activities. I find myself worrying after other people’s children because I don’t think they’re doing enough of it. HoCFoST is the same.

    • 28. jiveturkey  |  May 20, 2010 at 9:31 am

      I DO THAT TOO (which should come as no surprise to you).

  • 29. Kelly  |  May 18, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    This is hell. Seriously. You’re totally not alone though. I’ve lied (laid?) awake many a night anxiously considering how to get out of a carjacking with my kids in the backseat (thx Oprah!) or what to do during a home invasion (thx A&E) or friggin’ meningitis (thx Dr. Oz) or some or shit like that.

    It is awful to ponder not being able to completely protect our children. So that’s why I smother the hell out of their asses. (Just kidding.) Kind of.

    I really like Simon’s approach. We do what we can do. Hopefully it will be enough. And then if we get drunk enough, it might quell the anxiety.

    • 30. jiveturkey  |  May 20, 2010 at 9:31 am


  • 31. Marcy  |  May 18, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    My greatest fear is that one of my girls will fall victim to a child predator. Just the thought of it causes great anxiety.

    • 32. jiveturkey  |  May 20, 2010 at 9:30 am

      Me too. Because then I would seriously have to kill someone.

  • 33. magdalena  |  May 18, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    I try not to worry and sometimes it’s hard, but most of the time, i thank the higher being for letting me parent this beautiful creature and ask said being to please continue watching over her so I don’t fluck up this good gig I got.

    In other, equally puerile news… BUSH!

    • 34. jiveturkey  |  May 20, 2010 at 9:32 am


  • 35. Amy  |  May 20, 2010 at 8:33 am

    You are so not alone. (BTW does your daycare take “professional” photos – mine does & I just shelled out the clams for some more of them.)
    We just finished paying for a family vacation that will happen at the end of November right after my baby turns two. Now I am all thinking about what can go worng in the mean time. Like my baby catching some serious disease…

    So send me some baby ponies…

    • 36. jiveturkey  |  May 20, 2010 at 9:33 am

      Oh, our daycare did the photos a couple of weeks ago. Apparently, the guy they sent scared all the children and it sounds like every single one of them cried and/or frowned in the photos. Can’t wait to get the proofs back.

      Sending baby ponies your way…


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