PAY IT FORWARD: A Litmus Test for Assholes

June 9, 2010 at 1:37 pm 20 comments

Internet! It has been far too long since we’ve paid it forward, has it not? And oh, I have SO many forwards ripe for the mocking, but unfortunately so little time in which to do so. So if you’ve sent me a forward, please know that it’s waiting patiently in the queue, being fed treats and receiving reassuring pats on the head while waiting its turn to be torn to shreds on this here website.

Aww. I went and anthropomorphized the forwards and now I feel guilty. I’m sorry, forwards! Circle of life and all that!

Today’s forward was sent to me by reader and real-life homey Kylan, who also recently traveled to Egypt and is going to share all the details and photos of her trip with us tomorrow night, and I CANNOT WAIT, because apparently I am just the kind of nerd who really digs looking at other people’s vacation photos. Well, that, and also I totally want to visit Egypt someday, and I figure this way I can get the scoop on what it’s really like, and whether or not it’s worth the hellaciously long plane ride.

e.g., does everyone there still dress like this? Because if not, I ain’t goin’.

Kylan was sent this forward by an uncle who — in her words — she is “horrified to be related to.” Take heart, Kylan. Because after reading the forward, I am here to tell you that I’m 99% sure my own mother agrees with every last sentiment within, and that’s all I’ll say about that because I am trying REALLY HARD to maintain a good, harmonious relationship with my parents, and if I think too long about how frustrated I am with my mother’s Fox-News-influenced opinions (that she seems to work into every conversation even though SHE KNOWS FULL WELL we do not see eye-to-eye on most things), my head will explode into a million little Glenn Beck-shaped bits.

You guys, seriously, I just…can’t imagine a bigger douchebag than this guy.

I’d like to provide an excerpt from Kylan’s email to me before we get started, because it was thoroughly awesome and sums up the whole thing perfectly:

“…why is it that the conservative assholes spend most of their time creating and sending these forwards? It makes me want to create forwards from the ‘liberals’ just to even up the proportion out there in the universe…but then I think to myself: Oh, right, I have actual work to do that will actually contribute to a better society…forwards are fucking useless, hateful, fear-inducing propaganda that do nothing to make this a better world to live in. That’s why.”

Oh, snap!

Before we get started, allow me to throw out a quick disclaimer: I am not meaning to imply that I think (or Kylan thinks) all conservatives are hate-mongering asshats, just some — just as there are some hate-mongering asshat liberals in the world. Jive Turkey is all about respecting different belief systems! But I can say without hesitation that I hold no respect for flaming fuckwads who create forwards like these:

Subject: Fwd: And you are…?

Yes! Because most intelligent folks cull their informed points of view from EMAIL FORWARDS.

Ah, yes, the old “LIBERALS ARE GON’ TAKE OUR GUNS!” argument. Hi, I’m Gayle. I’m a liberal. I don’t like guns and I don’t think anyone has any business owning anything bigger than a hunting rifle, but I own a .45 special* and don’t think they should be outlawed. TRY TO PIGEONHOLE ME NOW, FORWARD!

Let’s rephrase this in a more realistic fashion: “If a conservative is a vegetarian, all his friends will call him a pussy. If an asshole is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.”

Ah, that’s better.

Well, this one made me do the LOL, because basically the forward is deriding those gay people who actually have the AUDACITY to desire equal treatment in the eyes of the law. I mean, THE NERVE, right? Why can’t you be like my quirky life-long bachelor Uncle Phil and just fester in your frustrated shame like the second class citizen you are? Some people…

Exactly, right? Although I prefer the more direct version of this sentiment: “I hate that some of my tax dollars go to help brown people who have fallen on hard times.”

Man, what kind of asshole demands the removal of a TV show they don’t like?

Oh. Right.

I’m curious about these “foreign” religions mentioned here. I’m willing to bet they meant “non-Christian,” but since Christianity originated in a foreign land, then THAT means…well, shucks! Now I’m just all confused!

Yeah! Rot in hell, poor people with cancer!

OK, so, based on this asinine statement, universal healthcare will only be available to liberals? Because I’d like that in writing when it goes into effect and the asshole who created this forward is first in line to receive a taxpayer-supported checkup. Sorry, friend! Don’t you have some shopping around to do?

And I put it on my website, to be mocked by the masses. You’re welcome!

So, readership: how’d you score on the test? Are you a lazy, meat-hatin’, gun-outlawin’, foreign religion-protectin’ liberal like me? Well, don’t tell my mom. She’ll just start calling you and complaining about Obama.

When she came to visit me before the election in 2008, she glanced at my yard sign and said “I’m not even going to comment on THAT.” And I went into my bedroom and screamed into a pillow for 45 minutes.

*I never learned how to use it, and I want to get rid of it, because the thought of Sadie coming anywhere near the damn thing stops my breathing for 20 minutes. Once the child is grown and gone and I’m a cranky senior citizen, however, I fully intend to buy myself a tiny derringer, because I aim to be THAT kind of old lady.

You best be givin’ me my senior discount, bitch!


Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.

The Further We Go, The Closer We Stay Summer of My Compromised Immune System

20 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Dan  |  June 9, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Lousy foreign religions. Everyone knows true patriots are Scientologists, because it’s the one religion that was invented entirely right here in the US of A.

    • 2. Sean  |  June 9, 2010 at 5:20 pm

      Would Mormonism count? Or is it disqualified because it’s simply the failed American attempt at making Christianity (damn furrigners) a trilogy?

      On similar grounds, though, I’m led to wonder about the Branch Davidians…

      And Baptists.

      I sometimes wonder “what side of the fence I sit on”, but I leftily chortle at this “test”… Wait – I thought only Conservatives would laugh! Shucks indeed.

      In addition, I think the liberal (whether deleting it or not) is simply stuck mourning the relationship that they once thought they had with YOU, sender-of-forward, and is truly torn that you’ve become such a brainless sheep. Why must we all have these one-sidedly ignorant relationships? Boo!

      I’d also like to add a non-sequitur:

      TOO SOON!

  • 3. MLE  |  June 9, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Don’t forget the Mormons! They’re USA born and bred as well! 😀

    • 4. Marcy  |  June 9, 2010 at 8:50 pm

      I can’t believe more people don’t make a bigger deal of the fact that Glenn Beck is a moron err… Mormon, I mean.

  • 5. Alexa  |  June 9, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    I’m confused! Where’s the part about “If a liberal believes abortion is wrong, she doesn’t have one. If a conservative believes abortion is wrong, she wants to legislate the choice for ever—RuhRoh!”

    I love Pay it Forward.

    • 6. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  June 9, 2010 at 10:01 pm

      Ha! Love it!

    • 7. Swistle  |  June 10, 2010 at 10:21 am

      And what about where if a liberal doesn’t want to marry someone of the same sex, she doesn’t do it, but a conservative wants to make it so NO ONE can marry someone of the same sex?

    • 8. Sara  |  June 11, 2010 at 11:51 am

      This may be the best comment ever.

  • 9. kristin @ going country  |  June 9, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    The most recent “Newsweek” had a thing on their last page about all the conservative, anti-gay, gay-rights-legislation-opposing politicians and ministers who’ve been caught in gay sex scandals. It’s pretty funny. There are a lot of them. So I would take issue especially with the “If a conservative is a homosexual, he quietly lives his life.” Perhaps it should add, “. . . by going on a European vacation with a Rent-a-Boy who was OBVIOUSLY just there to carry his baggage.”

    Carry his baggage is a pretty good euphemism, now that I think about it.

  • 10. Kylan  |  June 9, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    JT, you rock. My favorite part is when you stick it to the forward at the end: “and I put it on my website, to be mocked by the masses.” Ahh, catharsis. Thank you!

  • 11. SF Reader  |  June 9, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    Um, did you know that Glen Beck is a Mormon? I just learned that last night.


    I don’t personally have anything against Mormons. But you would think someone who’s a part of a religion who gets bitch slapped for its weirdness every day would be a TEEEENY TINY bit nicer to Muslims.

  • 12. ponygirl  |  June 9, 2010 at 7:45 pm

    Oh, how I love Pay It Forward days! Yay!

    And I love how conservatives can “choose” jobs that provide healthcare like they are just sitting around, ripe for the pickin’. Because getting any job, much less one with decent benefits, is as easy as rolling up to the Target on any given Wednesday.


    • 13. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  June 9, 2010 at 10:02 pm

      Right. Or how they can just “go about shopping for it.” Like price is no consideration.

  • 14. Swistle  |  June 10, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Well, now, that’s EXACTLY how I think of conservatives, as people who quietly live by their own values and don’t try to impose those values on others! …Oh, wait.

  • 15. Simon  |  June 10, 2010 at 11:17 am

    If a conservative wants his way, he dies whatever he wants, damn the broader consequences, and calls it freedom. If a liberal wants his way, he thinks about the global consequences and the greater good of mankind, and tempers his actions with a sense of humility and compassion for those less fortunate than himself. Or something.

  • 16. Cedar  |  June 10, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    This made me realize that my problem, when faced with these ridiculous assertions, is that I forget to turn the argument around. “When a liberal wants to practice a religion, she follows the teachings of that religion and respects those of different faiths. When a conservative wants to practice a religion (which always seems to be some neo- assholery passed off as Christianity) he tries to legislate it into public school textbooks.”

  • 17. theconstantc  |  June 10, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    You know those movies that really let you FEEL what it’s like to live with some form of disjointed perception or memory? Like Memento or Pi or something?

    I’ve always been confused by conservative world views that seem COMPLETELY DIVORCED from any cohesive sense of reality. But now I get it! Said world views ARE completely divorced from a cohesive sense of reality!

    I feel momentarily warm and fuzzy and tolerant. Liberal, in a nutshell. Thank you, email forward!

  • 18. Sara  |  June 11, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Holy crap. What a bunch of bullshit.

    And I’m surprised you didn’t put up a picture from Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot.

  • 19. Mermanda  |  June 15, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    Kylan, I’ve often fantasized about writing a “rebuttal” forward to send to a friend of the family who is constantly sending me her hatred and racism… er…. forwards. Or when I get a particularly awful one, I draft a “Please stop sending me your racist bullshit” email … but have yet to hit send. One day…

  • 20. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  June 15, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    Damn, this is funny.


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