PAY IT FORWARD: A Litmus Test for Assholes
Internet! It has been far too long since we’ve paid it forward, has it not? And oh, I have SO many forwards ripe for the mocking, but unfortunately so little time in which to do so. So if you’ve sent me a forward, please know that it’s waiting patiently in the queue, being fed treats and receiving reassuring pats on the head while waiting its turn to be torn to shreds on this here website.
Aww. I went and anthropomorphized the forwards and now I feel guilty. I’m sorry, forwards! Circle of life and all that!
Today’s forward was sent to me by reader and real-life homey Kylan, who also recently traveled to Egypt and is going to share all the details and photos of her trip with us tomorrow night, and I CANNOT WAIT, because apparently I am just the kind of nerd who really digs looking at other people’s vacation photos. Well, that, and also I totally want to visit Egypt someday, and I figure this way I can get the scoop on what it’s really like, and whether or not it’s worth the hellaciously long plane ride.
e.g., does everyone there still dress like this? Because if not, I ain’t goin’.
Kylan was sent this forward by an uncle who — in her words — she is “horrified to be related to.” Take heart, Kylan. Because after reading the forward, I am here to tell you that I’m 99% sure my own mother agrees with every last sentiment within, and that’s all I’ll say about that because I am trying REALLY HARD to maintain a good, harmonious relationship with my parents, and if I think too long about how frustrated I am with my mother’s Fox-News-influenced opinions (that she seems to work into every conversation even though SHE KNOWS FULL WELL we do not see eye-to-eye on most things), my head will explode into a million little Glenn Beck-shaped bits.
You guys, seriously, I just…can’t imagine a bigger douchebag than this guy.
I’d like to provide an excerpt from Kylan’s email to me before we get started, because it was thoroughly awesome and sums up the whole thing perfectly:
“…why is it that the conservative assholes spend most of their time creating and sending these forwards? It makes me want to create forwards from the ‘liberals’ just to even up the proportion out there in the universe…but then I think to myself: Oh, right, I have actual work to do that will actually contribute to a better society…forwards are fucking useless, hateful, fear-inducing propaganda that do nothing to make this a better world to live in. That’s why.”
Before we get started, allow me to throw out a quick disclaimer: I am not meaning to imply that I think (or Kylan thinks) all conservatives are hate-mongering asshats, just some — just as there are some hate-mongering asshat liberals in the world. Jive Turkey is all about respecting different belief systems! But I can say without hesitation that I hold no respect for flaming fuckwads who create forwards like these:
Subject: Fwd: And you are…?
Yes! Because most intelligent folks cull their informed points of view from EMAIL FORWARDS.
Ah, yes, the old “LIBERALS ARE GON’ TAKE OUR GUNS!” argument. Hi, I’m Gayle. I’m a liberal. I don’t like guns and I don’t think anyone has any business owning anything bigger than a hunting rifle, but I own a .45 special* and don’t think they should be outlawed. TRY TO PIGEONHOLE ME NOW, FORWARD!
Let’s rephrase this in a more realistic fashion: “If a conservative is a vegetarian, all his friends will call him a pussy. If an asshole is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.”
Ah, that’s better.
Well, this one made me do the LOL, because basically the forward is deriding those gay people who actually have the AUDACITY to desire equal treatment in the eyes of the law. I mean, THE NERVE, right? Why can’t you be like my quirky life-long bachelor Uncle Phil and just fester in your frustrated shame like the second class citizen you are? Some people…
Exactly, right? Although I prefer the more direct version of this sentiment: “I hate that some of my tax dollars go to help brown people who have fallen on hard times.”
I’m curious about these “foreign” religions mentioned here. I’m willing to bet they meant “non-Christian,” but since Christianity originated in a foreign land, then THAT means…well, shucks! Now I’m just all confused!
OK, so, based on this asinine statement, universal healthcare will only be available to liberals? Because I’d like that in writing when it goes into effect and the asshole who created this forward is first in line to receive a taxpayer-supported checkup. Sorry, friend! Don’t you have some shopping around to do?
So, readership: how’d you score on the test? Are you a lazy, meat-hatin’, gun-outlawin’, foreign religion-protectin’ liberal like me? Well, don’t tell my mom. She’ll just start calling you and complaining about Obama.
When she came to visit me before the election in 2008, she glanced at my yard sign and said “I’m not even going to comment on THAT.” And I went into my bedroom and screamed into a pillow for 45 minutes.
*I never learned how to use it, and I want to get rid of it, because the thought of Sadie coming anywhere near the damn thing stops my breathing for 20 minutes. Once the child is grown and gone and I’m a cranky senior citizen, however, I fully intend to buy myself a tiny derringer, because I aim to be THAT kind of old lady.
You best be givin’ me my senior discount, bitch!
Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.