GUILT

June 17, 2010 at 11:15 am 18 comments

I has it.

Um, God, I NEEDED THAT SLATE, THANKS.

Also: You best believe I just spent a very entertaining morning on PositiveButterflies.com.

Allow me to bring it bulleted-list style:

  • Sadie clung to me today when we dropped her off at daycare, despite the fact that she had an entire plate of waffles & syrup at her disposal. My lady loves daycare, and she loves to eat even more, but an end-of-cold coughing fit left her a bit clingy this morning, and she velcroed herself to my arm (and then my legs when I stood to leave). She didn’t cry when her teacher picked her up to facilitate my quick getaway, but the little mournful gaze she gave me was somehow much, much worse.
  • I got called to audition for a show with my favorite company in town. I read the script last night, and every single role is awesome. It’s been a long time since I’ve done something really challenging like this (assuming I’d even get cast, of course). ENTER GUILT: I know the way this company works. I’d be looking at three intense weeks (and weekends) of rehearsal, and a month of shows (with only Mondays and Tuesdays off). Add to the mix that the show runs in October and November, and overlaps with a play festival that Brad is slated to produce. We’ve been operating on a taking-turns system with our theatre pursuits, and his turn is next. Furthermore, he had this planned first, way before this audition. He still wants me to go to the audition, but I know if we were both tied up with theatre commitments, there would be a hellacious string of days to live through come November. Days where I’d see Sadie for 60 minutes or less. Days where she’d transition from daycare to an evening babysitter. I remember how hard it was for me to do the last show, and this would be much, much more demanding. But, oh, I still want a part so badly. Every time I try to get a gut reaction from myself (What do you want more — the month with Sadie or to do the show?! Quick!), I honestly have no answer. I’m so torn. To do the show would be really unfair to Brad and Sadie, right? To not do it, I guess, would be unfair to me. FUCK.
  • Thank you all for your comments and get well wishes. I’m sorry if I’ve not been to your blog lately. Work is still pretty chaotic, and this FUCKING COLD is still making me want to pass out on my keyboard (but I am feeling better today, thank you).
  • Apologies, all those projects I’ve been meaning to start/plays I need to fucking write/that one play I REALLY need to fucking write because of the LOOMING FUCKING DEADLINE. I am not sure when the hell I’m supposed to find time to start/work on/complete you.

Great. Now I’ve gone and reminded myself of Jerry Maguire, a movie I hated so much that I walked out of the theatre — and I am the woman who suffered through the entirety of PAUL BLART: MALL COP in the theatre, my friends. Shut your giant head hole, Lipnicki.*

  • I had been volunteering for a while as, basically, a pen pal to a cancer patient. My job was to write to this woman in Iowa twice a week (or more) to lift her spirits and make her feel a little less alone during treatment. The organization I was working through sent me an email last week telling me that they hadn’t heard back from the woman in over two months (patients in this program are supposed to respond to monthly check-in letters/emails sent by the administrators), so I was instructed to stop writing. I immediately felt a little sick and suspected the worst, and — because I’m sneaky like that — I Googled the shit out of this woman’s name (which, luckily for me, is pretty unique). I found her Facebook page — as well as the pages for her kids and mother — and, apparently, she’s fine. Just ignoring me, I guess, and shitting all over the efforts of the people who wanted very much to help her through a difficult time. I am guessing that the true spirit of volunteering doesn’t entitle me to be angry about this (and then bitch about it on the Internet), but I kind of am. I mean, what the fuck, lady? It’s not like sending two cards per week was some monumental effort, but it definitely took some time and planning and creativity and fucking dedication to do it for as long as I did. And then, of course, I realized that her last Facebook post was at the end of May, and even though the rest of her family has been posting in recent days (with no mention of any kind of tragic event), what if something bad DID happen? I mean, I guess that wouldn’t explain why she has ignored MONTHS of check-in requests — seeing as how earlier in May she posted about relaxing on the porch with a beer and talked about a promotion at work — but who the fuck am I to judge? Have I ever had to go through chemo while taking care of three kids? And yet, here I am, taking it all personally and feeling slighted, like it’s all about me. Embarrassing. Also: GUILT.

That’s it. Thanks for letting me bitch and moan about my “problems”-that-aren’t-really-problems. Feel free to do the same in the comments. What good is the fucking Internet if we can’t air this shit from time to time?

*This is what he looks like how. Apparently, his body caught up to his massive head and he’s a giant? Or just has a fondness for being photographed with tiny guitars? Either way, nice hair, douche.

Sorry, Lipnicki. But I definitely don’t feel guilty for saying that.

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Entry filed under: Gobble-gobble.

Summer of My Compromised Immune System G’day

18 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Marcy  |  June 17, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    I thought I was the only woman who HATED Jerry MaGuire!

    Reply
  • 2. HoST  |  June 17, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    With regard to the audition, you’re getting WAY too far ahead of yourself again. Not that I’m surprised. 😉

    Step 1: Go read for a role.

    Step 2: No step 2. Not yet.

    If you don’t get cast, problem solved and you can wallow in self-doubt about why you didn’t get a role. But at least you’ll be with Sadie.

    If you do get cast, then we review schedules and determine how to make this shizz work.

    In the meantime, chill the eff out. You’re an amazing mommy, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

    Sadie and Dada love you.

    Reply
  • 3. HoST  |  June 17, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    By the way, Internet, JT and I only communicate via social media these days.

    When we actually see each other in person, we’re too busy making sweet, sweet love to talk.

    Enjoy your lunch, everyone.

    Reply
    • 4. hillary  |  June 17, 2010 at 5:29 pm

      Umm … I wanted to leave a thoughtful, supportive comment. Really, I did. But now I’m laughing too hard. Sorry.

      Reply
  • 5. Maggie  |  June 17, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Good god how I hated Jerry McGuire too. What a piece of crap. And yet everyone else seemed to love it. Bleh.

    Also: holy shit look at J. Lipnicki! When the hell did he grow up? Damn I’m getting old.

    Reply
  • 6. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  June 17, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Yay for auditioning. It will keep your skillz (the ones that pay the billz) fresh anyway – no matter what the outcome. So there’s some practicality for ya.

    I’d like to take you up on your offer to complain: my office is freezing. GOIDAH! It’s like 110 degree heat index outside so when I come inside I literally get the chills. Thinking about putting my space heater on.

    Reply
  • 7. Sara  |  June 17, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    First of all, go audition and see what happens! Second, are you sure you’re not Jewish? I mean, I know we don’t have the monopoly on guilt, but still. Third, I’m with you: That lady could just check in! And then I also was thinking the worst.

    Here are my problems: I hurt my effin’ knee because I’m 31 going on 85. Speaking if 85, it’s my grandmother’s birthday, and we’re heading to see her this weekend. And we’re not even there yet and are aready annoyed with her and my mom’s sisters’ nonsense. And I’m annoyed with my mom’s as well. Probably shouldn’t put any of that on the Internet at all, but at least it’s on your blog and not mine (which no one reads anyway). And let’s see, what else can I bitch about? Oh yeah, did I mention that it doesn’t seem like I’ll be seeing Paul McCartney on his current tour? That depresses me the most. I enjoy so little in life.

    Reply
  • 8. Simon  |  June 17, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Remember that the reason we have babies in the first place is vanity. And what says “vanity” more than acting? Nothing, that’s what! So try out for the play, and see if you can’t out-vanity the baby-based vanity project already in process. Think of it as a challenge for yourself! This sort of pushing your limits will set a good example for your daughter.

    Reply
  • 9. theconstantc  |  June 17, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Ah guilt. Where would we be without it? Popeless, probably.

    Reply
  • 10. SF Reader  |  June 17, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    vomit is now allllll over my keyboard. thank you, HoST

    Reply
  • 11. kristin @ going country  |  June 17, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    We don’t seem to have any water at the moment. Pretty big fucking complaint from ME on that one, thanks. I hate having to wait for my husband to get home to pronounce judgment on the water situation.

    But better that than calling the plumber prematurely and getting a bill for $200 because of a loose valve or something else easily fixable that I would never find on my own because I am STUPID when it comes to things like this.

    The photo of the Jerry Maguire kid all grown up kind of creeps me out. In many ways.

    Reply
  • 12. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  June 17, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Audition! Audition! (sing it to the tune of “Tradition!” if it helps you feel more Jewish and therefore guilt-ridden)

    What is this play festival thingy that HoST is slated to produce? That sounds cool, too.

    Reply
    • 13. Sara  |  June 17, 2010 at 9:28 pm

      “Audition! Audition! (sing it to the tune of “Tradition!” if it helps you feel more Jewish and therefore guilt-ridden)”

      That. Is. Awesome.

      Reply
      • 14. Mermanda  |  June 23, 2010 at 11:06 am

        I agree. “Audition! Audition!”

        P.S. I dropped out of that musical in high school, so I don’t remember the rest of the song. Therefore I am doomed to sing only the first two words for the remainder of the day, on repeat. FML.

  • 15. sweetbird  |  June 17, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    Never seen Jerry Maguire, I’ve never met you but I’m sure you’re awesomeness incarnate, and if that cancer patient didn’t die then she’s a fucking jerk.

    Also, does your husband teach, like, how-to-be-an-awesome husband retreats? Seriously? ‘Cuz I’d pay for that shit.

    Reply
    • 16. Simon  |  June 18, 2010 at 3:29 pm

      “If that cancer patient didn’t die then she’s a fucking jerk” is not a phrase you hear every day.

      Reply
  • 17. Rebecca  |  June 17, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    It’s too bad you don’t like Jerry McGuire because I’ve been meaning to comment and say that your blog completes me. Anyway, you sound like a great mom – I think the fact that you do worry and feel guilt means that you are. (Unless you are trying out for the theatrical version of “Mommy drinks because you cry”.) I personally hope you do try out. Think of the blog fodder that will keep me entertained at work! Do it for the Lurkers.

    Reply
  • 18. Swistle  |  June 19, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    I saw Jerry Maguire on a plane. A PLANE. NO EXIT EXCEPT VIA PARACHUTE.

    Point Two is that I would be pissed about cancer lady, too. Either PARTICIPATE in the gd program or DON’T, lady!

    Reply

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