PAY IT FORWARD: Fuck You, Kramer

June 29, 2010 at 12:46 pm 19 comments

Buckle up, Internet. This isn’t going to be easy.

Also, you might want to go ahead and re-watch any episodes of Seinfeld that you really enjoy, because that show is about to be ruined for you forever.

Yeah. Told you.

I had to include a screenshot here because I really wanted you to witness the intellectual glory of “email me you thoughts.” Also: how cute to imply there is actual thinking involved here!

Oh boy.

Wow. Two sentences in and we’ve already broken the fact barrier. Who the fuck ever said only white people are racist? Although I would argue that white people are, apparently, hell-bent on using more than their fair share of ellipses.

File “Michael Richards…does make a good point” under “Shit no one has ever said while sober,” right along with “Very well stated, Mr. Leno.”

Whoa, whoa, hold up: IN COURT?! This little bit of TOTALLY FALSE INFORMATION buried in here sent me over to Snopes, which confirmed that Richards never went to court for being an asshole in a comedy club (see: Freedom of speech, even for fuckwads).

Turns out this disgusting forward existed WAY before Kramer’s little tantrum, but his image was connected to the sentiment after the fact. Congratulations, Michael Richards! The fully ignorant forwarding community is behind you 100%!

A generous portion of the Tea Partying community, I suspect.

Ha. Um, yeah. I mean, I can’t TELL you how many times I’ve been SNEERED AT on the fucking STREET because I have the audacity to be “American.”

(Oh, and “American” = WHITE, just so we’re clear.)

For the record, it’s OK to call Michael Richards just about anything.

(Except intelligent.)

(Or talented.)

(Or — God save you — “My boyfriend.”)

Internet, please believe me when I tell you there was not one single currently-black-barred term up there I felt remotely comfortable letting you see.  Rest assured they were all just A HAIR more offensive than fucking “white boy,” I mean, are you KIDDING ME with that shit?!

Oh, I see. They’re cleverly insinuating that only non-whites live in ghettos, instead of the correct assumption that VERY POOR and PRETTY FUCKING DESPERATE people of ALL COLORS live in ghettos, and, you know, I’m no anthropologist, but I’m pretty sure that poverty + desperation + lack of options usually = NOT EXACTLY FUCKING MAYBERRY about 100% of the time.

Please tell me “The Men of Mayberry” isn’t an adult-themed calendar, PLEASE tell tell me “The Men of Mayberry” isn’t an adult-themed calendar…

I think we all see where this is going — the racist’s favorite argument: “Where are the holidays to celebrate my awesome whiteness OH WAIT that’s every day.”

This list is taking on a unintentionally polite tone: “You have the NAACP.”  “Oh, but no, I insist! YOU have the NAACP.” It’s like those cute little overly-polite cartoon gophers!  But racist.

“After you!”  “No, after YOU!”


That’s better.

Actually, no — you’d probably be in the adult entertainment industry. Come on, WET TV?!

Perhaps the author of this forward is forgetting that someone has already sort of claimed the whole “White Pride” corner of the market — those people being GIANT FUCKING NAZI SKINHEAD RACISTS, so, yeah, White Pride Day WOULD be racist, genius.

Oh, gosh, if we ONLY had organizations that would provide advancement for white people!

Won’t someone think of these unfortunate souls, struggling to succeed?

Yes, but the Miss Black America pageant was founded because black women weren’t allowed to enter the Miss America pageant, ASSHOLES.

(Also, this wasn’t in 1925 or something. This was IN FUCKING 1968. Gross.)

I love it when the forward pretends it’s ever been within 50 yards of an institute of higher learning. (EXHIBIT A: OMG the fucking grammar in this thing.)

Not to detract from how fucking ignorant this section is, but…orange?

Oh, right. Sorry. Loompa Pride!

And really, it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

Wait, the drug dealer is a racist? He’s dealing drugs and running from the law and posing a threat to society AND sending racist forwards? Man, what a jerk.

That’s because you’re a racist.

Seeing as how I feel like I need to take a scalding bleach shower after just mocking this disgusting bullshit, no, I don’t think I’ll forward it to anyone.  Sadly.

Where is this alternate reality where white people have lost most of their rights? I suppose it’s located in the same place as where the super-scientific “Racist Email Forwarding Frequency” study was conducted.

OK, Internet. We made it. I hope your head is still intact. Thank you to sweetbird for sharing this particular piece of repulsiveness with me. Sweetbird, did you notice that the subject line SPECIFICALLY asks for your feedback? Please feel free to refer the sender to this link, if you are so inclined.

[LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Jive Turkey cannot be held responsible for any and all major family fall-outs and/or excommunications.]

Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.

The Old Folks At Home Holding…and Release

19 Comments Add your own

  • 1. MLE  |  June 29, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    *head asplodes*

  • 2. Chicago Friend of Said Turkey  |  June 29, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    “And really, it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.” = LOL

    What kind of ass-hattery is this? I just wish I were more surprised.

  • 3. -R-  |  June 29, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    My husband received this e-mail from his aunt a while ago. He wrote back and refuted each line. It was really awesome. He pointed out that there are lots of scholarships for Irish-Americans, Italian-Americans, Lutherans, Presbyterians, etc. And there are definitely white holidays – St. Patricks Day for example. My favorite part was the reference to BET. My husband wrote something like, “There is such thing as white television. It’s called Fox News; enjoy.”

    I wish I still had my husband’s e-mail, but I think I deleted it because the original e-mail made me angry to almost an unhealthy extent.

    • 4. shelli  |  July 2, 2010 at 11:39 am

      Heh – yeah, or “every other station on cable.”

      Kudos to your husband.

  • 5. Dan  |  June 29, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    Wow, that’s just one “How comes they get to call each other n*****, but I cain’t?” of the complete Idiotic Racist Arguments set. Comes close – and I can’t believe you had the audacity to actually print “w**** b**” uncensored in your post – but doesn’t quite win the cigar.

    To borrow a line, “I think we are all now dumber for having read that.”

  • 6. kdiddy  |  June 29, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Doozy. Big, racist, cross-burnin’ doozy, that one.

    The very simple fact of the matter is that no one has ever told white people that they should ashamed of the fact that they’re white. Though, I’m sure people like the author of this will insist they’ve experienced such shaming at the hands of The Blacks and Their Month. However, as far as I know, there has never been longstanding legislation in place that was for the express purpose of keeping white people as a separate, sub-human class. Recovering from something like that takes many generations and, yes, a lot of pride.

    Comedian Louis CK had a really funny bit about “the N word” and how there is no equivalent for white people. Something like, “What are you going to call me? “Cracker?” Ohh. Ow. You’re taking me back to a time when I owned land and people.”

    • 7. Dana  |  June 29, 2010 at 7:09 pm

      this is FANTASTIC

    • 8. SF Reader  |  June 29, 2010 at 9:25 pm

      OMG. That, my friend, is the funniest thing I’ve watched in a LONG time. Thanks for posting!

    • 9. sweetbird  |  July 1, 2010 at 12:37 pm

      That’s one of my favorite sketches by Louis CK. He’s filthy, but he’s hilarious.

  • 10. Simon  |  June 29, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    And you can say “When you go black, you never go back,” but if I say “When you go white, it doesn’t feel as tight,” I’m a racist!

    Or is it, “When you go white, you won’t drink so much Sprite.” I get confused.

  • 11. Simon  |  June 29, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    “Once you go white, you won’t live near as much blight.”

    “If you are white, you’ll be more affected by UV light.”

    “Once you go pink, no more Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull will you drink.”

    “Once you go Caucasian, you’ll get nailed for tax evasion!!”

    • 12. sweetbird  |  July 1, 2010 at 12:33 pm

      “If you are white, you’ll be more affected by UV light.”

      I lol’d.

  • 13. hillary  |  June 29, 2010 at 7:28 pm

    I got this forward. From a coworker. Yeah.

  • 14. swistle  |  June 29, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    Oh, I SO enjoyed hating this one. My favorite line was “That’s because you’re a racist.” AHA HA HA HA HA!!

  • 15. Constantina  |  June 30, 2010 at 9:26 am

    Dude, you are totally one of my very most favorite white people. I will never sneer at you. Even on the street.

  • 16. Sara  |  June 30, 2010 at 9:34 am

    Holy crap. That’s the most offensive thing I’ve ever read, and it takes a lot to offend me. Seriously, I almost vomited while reading it. Although I have no right to complain, since I have Yom HaShoah, after all, and the skinheads get nothing.

    Oh, and are you taking that bleach shower because you feel dirty? Or because you are proud to be white?

  • 17. sweetbird  |  July 1, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    First of all, thank you for doing this. I was worried that if you didn’t I would be forced to respond to the sender myself and I’m pretty sure the email wouldn’t have consisted of much more than “Go fuck yourself. Racist.”

    And that shit would be really awkward at family reunions.

    Second, a friend sent this to me on Facebook the other day and I thought you would appreciate it just as much as I did.

  • 18. Josh  |  July 6, 2010 at 7:08 am

    To even start mentioning, you have this holiday, I don’t get a holiday is in itself racist. Besides, Im sure racists LOOOOOVE having off on Martin Luther King Day, regardless of how racist they are.

    Also, I love when you get these from people, and then Jesus Loves You emails. No wonder no one trusts anyone anymore.

    And another thing, I’m pretty sure Michael Richards didn’t say half the stuff in that email. I mean, have you seen Michael Richards hair?? He’s totally a black guy. Is that racist?

  • 19. Suniverse  |  July 7, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Oh, thank you for that.

    I cannot imagine getting something like that in my email – my inlaws are not very tech savvy, and usually just save it for face to face conversations – but I’m so glad you were there to break it down.

    PS Congrats on the callback!


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