PAY IT FORWARD: NIPPLES

Today’s PAY IT FORWARD is a thoroughly lame and sexist little joke about bathroom fixtures or some shit — I don’t know. All I can think about when I write this post is nipples.

Just what I’ve always wanted: to have the mindset of a 15-year-old boy. Or, in this case, a 15-year-old Eric Idle. With a totally rad gold chain bracelet.

Subject: FW: A DIY story

Sounds like a show on TLC, but you will soon understand why no, it most certainly is not.

Gosh, Internet, I just…I’m having such a hard time comprehending what’s going on here. If only there was some sort of — I don’t know — visual explanation?

Ah! Much better. Now I get it.

Seriously. This is in the body of the forward. The Facebook profile photo of someone’s douchey Uncle Rod, taken mere minutes before he left to go have some brews at Chili’s with his brahs and make awkward passes at the underage hostess. Also, I think I spy another gold man-bracelet…

Yeah, again — no comprendo here, amigo. Visual aids, please?

ANIPPLESAYSWHAAAAA?!?

I just…REALLY, forward? Is there some sort of shortage of sexy sexiness available on the Internet that would necessitate inserting this picture (of someone who I’m certain is a celebrity sans makeup but I cannot determine who) into a goddamn FORWARD?

Also: NIPPLES. GOOD CHRIST, THE NIPPLES. It looks like she broke into some poor kid’s Halloween stash and stole the Dots.

I certainly hope she had the foresight not to use the green ones. Yikes.

Holding…

…AND RELEASE.

Now wait a second, Internet. You’re going to want to prepare yourself for this next one.

GAH!

Who the name of weirdly-distorted picture files IS this guy? I’m betting the answer lies within that blurry print on the bottom right-hand corner (which I tried to decipher by enlarging the pic, but only gained a pair of soiled drawers from having to see this man’s serial killer combover on such a large scale). My gut tells me it probably contains the words “sanatorium,” “head janitor,” and “Amber Alert.”

That’s the last image the forward gives us. I’m guessing they were so deeply disturbed by the juxtaposition of Croptop McNipples and “He was a polite neighbor and kept to himself” up there to be able to locate any more photos. So the rest of the lame joke is (sadly? thankfully?) picture-less.

Wait wait wait: POUNDS? The BRITISH brought this scourge upon us? I’m disappointed in you, England. I thought you were classier than this. I will accept a year’s supply of scones and clotted cream as retribution.

Also: who the fuck over the age of TWELVE makes a joke based on the whole “screw as noun and verb” situation? Actually, maybe this forward was written by a 12-year-old. It certainly would explain the lame punchline and DEAR LORD the gratuitous nipples.

Nipples!

AND ANOTHER THING: You can all thank reader Sarah for this installment. I know that she does not normally find herself forwarding other people such areola-rich reading material, and I appreciate her taking one for the team.

NIPPLES.