July 14, 2010 at 10:46 am 20 comments

Today’s PAY IT FORWARD is a thoroughly lame and sexist little joke about bathroom fixtures or some shit — I don’t know. All I can think about when I write this post is nipples.

Just what I’ve always wanted: to have the mindset of a 15-year-old boy. Or, in this case, a 15-year-old Eric Idle. With a totally rad gold chain bracelet.

Subject: FW: A DIY story

Sounds like a show on TLC, but you will soon understand why no, it most certainly is not.

Gosh, Internet, I just…I’m having such a hard time comprehending what’s going on here. If only there was some sort of — I don’t know — visual explanation?

Ah! Much better. Now I get it.

Seriously. This is in the body of the forward. The Facebook profile photo of someone’s douchey Uncle Rod, taken mere minutes before he left to go have some brews at Chili’s with his brahs and make awkward passes at the underage hostess. Also, I think I spy another gold man-bracelet…

Yeah, again — no comprendo here, amigo. Visual aids, please?


I just…REALLY, forward? Is there some sort of shortage of sexy sexiness available on the Internet that would necessitate inserting this picture (of someone who I’m certain is a celebrity sans makeup but I cannot determine who) into a goddamn FORWARD?

Also: NIPPLES. GOOD CHRIST, THE NIPPLES. It looks like she broke into some poor kid’s Halloween stash and stole the Dots.

I certainly hope she had the foresight not to use the green ones. Yikes.



Now wait a second, Internet. You’re going to want to prepare yourself for this next one.


Who the name of weirdly-distorted picture files IS this guy? I’m betting the answer lies within that blurry print on the bottom right-hand corner (which I tried to decipher by enlarging the pic, but only gained a pair of soiled drawers from having to see this man’s serial killer combover on such a large scale). My gut tells me it probably contains the words “sanatorium,” “head janitor,” and “Amber Alert.”

That’s the last image the forward gives us. I’m guessing they were so deeply disturbed by the juxtaposition of Croptop McNipples and “He was a polite neighbor and kept to himself” up there to be able to locate any more photos. So the rest of the lame joke is (sadly? thankfully?) picture-less.

Wait wait wait: POUNDS? The BRITISH brought this scourge upon us? I’m disappointed in you, England. I thought you were classier than this. I will accept a year’s supply of scones and clotted cream as retribution.

Also: who the fuck over the age of TWELVE makes a joke based on the whole “screw as noun and verb” situation? Actually, maybe this forward was written by a 12-year-old. It certainly would explain the lame punchline and DEAR LORD the gratuitous nipples.


AND ANOTHER THING: You can all thank reader Sarah for this installment. I know that she does not normally find herself forwarding other people such areola-rich reading material, and I appreciate her taking one for the team.


Entry filed under: PAY IT FORWARD!.

Easing Back In Deep Thoughts: Parenting

20 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Simon  |  July 14, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Also, what woman thinks that her humping is worth $750,000? What a narcissist! If a woman wants to trade some humpin’ for material goods, it is unreasonable for her to expect more than about six grand for a single go, and even then she better be friggin’ Jessica Alba or some shit like that.

    • 2. jiveturkey  |  July 14, 2010 at 11:27 am

      Well, I think the Sexual Predator up there would be game. Although he’d probably make her do it in a tub full of urine in front of a shrine to Kirk Cameron or something.

      • 3. sweetbird  |  July 14, 2010 at 5:54 pm

        Not many things make me physically cringe and go “Holy Fucking Jesus” in response…

        but this did.

        Nice job!

    • 4. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  July 15, 2010 at 6:53 pm

      500 pounds would only be $750.00, right? Not $750,000. I mean, not to take away from Simon’s perfectly justifiable outrage or anything, but…come on. Let’s be accurate.

  • 5. Alyce  |  July 14, 2010 at 11:35 am

    How on earth do people come up with this shit??

  • 6. anonymous  |  July 14, 2010 at 11:38 am

    that’s nicolette sheridan from desperate housewives

    • 7. jiveturkey  |  July 14, 2010 at 2:29 pm

      YES!!! That’s totally who it is. Nicolette Sheridan, a.k.a. Michael Bolton’s main squeeze. Ew. Thanks, anonymous!

  • 8. Marcy  |  July 14, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    First, that creepy guy looks like the same dude who came to fix my cable over the weekend. Upon handing me the remote to the new cable box he said, “Here you go. I’m sure your husband will know how to use this new remote but here’s the instructions for you.”

    Second, the think Tits McGee looks like Cameron Diaz minus makeup.

    • 9. Marcy  |  July 14, 2010 at 12:17 pm

      Man, I can’t type today. I meant, I think…

      • 10. rir  |  July 15, 2010 at 5:38 am

        I thought it was Diaz as well. But reading others suggestions I think they are right in it bieng Sheridan.
        However Im in agreeance JT eek nipple implants anyone?

        My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard

      • 11. Ri  |  July 15, 2010 at 5:39 am

        I seem to be unable to spell today also lol! I caught your bug

  • 12. Andrew  |  July 14, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    I think those nipples belong to Michael Bolton’s former main squeeze, Nicollette Sheridan or whatever her name is. You know, the hag from Desperate Housewives.

    • 13. jiveturkey  |  July 14, 2010 at 4:55 pm

      I am guessing you didn’t see the earlier comment by anonymous before posting this, and I am kind of freaked out that we both referred to her as Michael Bolton’s “main squeeze.”

  • 14. Lawyerish  |  July 14, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    In a way, I am pleased to see that the Brits can be as low-brow as Americans, at least when it comes to bone-headed email forwards. Yet at the same time, I am saddened and disappointed in them.

  • 15. sweetbird  |  July 14, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    OK, I don’t want to be the only chick that’s willing to admit it, but I would totally get down for some indecent proposal shit if the money was right. And by that I mean it would have to be in the several millions range.


    Unless it was with that creepy serial killer, chi-mo motherfucker. No thanks.


    • 16. sweetbird  |  July 14, 2010 at 5:57 pm

      Just thought about the fact that if I keep saying shit like this I should really stop linking back to my website…

  • 17. 4th Reader of Said Turkey  |  July 14, 2010 at 9:11 pm

    Thank you, reader Sarah!

  • 18. Sarah  |  July 15, 2010 at 9:42 am

    Reader Sarah would also like to point out..

    Thanks to the helpful diagram, we can establish that hinges in fact need eight screws. That’s in the plural you stupid forward!

  • 19. guiltinthelily  |  July 16, 2010 at 11:56 pm

    Thanks for ruining Dots for me…Now they will forever be attatched to Sheridans bod…(that looks better at 100 than mine is at less than 30). boo.

  • 20. Nipples  |  August 9, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    isn’t that nicole sheridan?


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