New Site at JiveTurkeyJives.com… No Reader Left Behind!

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am moving away from the hosted WordPress.com site to a fancy new customized WordPress site. I definitely don’t want to leave any of you wonderful, wonderful people behind in the move, so please update your bookmarks and feed readers!

New Site: http://www.jiveturkeyjives.com

New RSS Feed: http://www.jiveturkeyjives.com/?feed=rss2

Come along with me, won’t you?

NOT DEAD

Just taking a lovely, week-long Pittsburgh-based vacation from work, the Internet, and — well, if we’re being entirely honest — good hygiene and healthy eating habits. Went to a movie for the first time since April 2009 (saw Toy Story 3 and sobbed my fucking eye sockets out), cleaned the basement (WHY HELLO THERE, biggest fucking spider I have ever seen), and am spending lots of time getting drunk on the front porch with Brad (we’ve got distilled spirits, yes we do, we’ve got distilled spirits, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?!).

Oh, and I had a great callback, thanks to all your wishes of luck. Got the call from the producer yesterday that I did not get the part, and was, quite honestly, totally fucking relieved. She paid me lots of lovely compliments on what she had seen at my audition and callback, and really, that’s all this attention whore needs right now. Plenty of time for acting; must focus on nuzzling adorable baby at present.

Speaking of babies, look who had another delicious, delicious son. The happy news of Baby Phineas was followed by the arrival of Baby Tess, daughter of one of my oldest and dearest friends. Babies a-poppin’!

I hope all of you had a lovely 4th of July weekend, like, five days ago. I ate a piece of peach pie AND a piece of graham cracker pie in one sitting, and that’s all I really remember. It was the highlight of the weekend anyway.

See you next week!

Holding…and Release

One of my favorite Saturday Night Live sketches of all time is a completely random one from back in 2003 with Ray Romano. He plays an aging Vegas comedian named Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar, and after every joke he would say “Holding…holding…holding…AND RELEASE.” I usually don’t find Ray Romano too funny, but that little detail was (and is) inordinately amusing to me, and I would really love to share it with you, but because NBC is a bitch, I cannot find a clip of it anywhere, so this tiny picture is all I have to offer:

Sad.

You happy now, bitch NBC?!

GUILT

I has it.

Um, God, I NEEDED THAT SLATE, THANKS.

Also: You best believe I just spent a very entertaining morning on PositiveButterflies.com.

The Further We Go, The Closer We Stay

Brad and I celebrated our 10th (TENTH!) wedding anniversary this weekend, a full month and a half early. Why? Because this was the weekend we could secure an overnight babysitter, that’s why.

Babies: Calling the shots around here since April 2009.

Snozz

Internet, do you read (or have you ever read) the comic strip For Better or For Worse? Because I do (or did, before Lynn Johnston went into semi-retirement and started drawing old retro versions of her own shit). Why did I read it? Well, Sarah Brown says it better than me:

“I will freely admit to you that every morning, I check my email, Flickr, and then I read For Better or For Worse, Mary Worth, and Apartment 3G online…. It’s the non-toxic version of reading blogs of people you secretly hate. Mary Worth is a meddling bitch. Come, loathe her with me.”

Sarah Brown’s caption for this made me laugh so hard I nearly Worthed in my pants.

Ten Days

So, OOPS, I did not mean to neglect this blog for nearly a week, but I had a busy Friday, and then a busy weekend, and then a busy start to the week which involved the submission of two massive proposals, one of which included the words “penis” and “vagina,” and hey, why isn’t anyone else on this conference call giggling except for me?

“You GUYS! He just totally said VAGINA!”

Raw

Starting off this post with an immediate tangent: have you ever heard of the raw food diet? Does this make anyone else sad? I realize that some people have to eat in this manner due to allergies or other health issues, but choosing this diet? I’m all for healthy living, but a life without donuts or melted cheese or pizza is no life at all.

I’m pretty sure the Founding Fathers said that.

In other news: HANCOCK.

(Hee!)

The Finish Line

OMFG THE PLAY IS OVER.

Insert ridiculous office-related clip art here!

(What the fuck is wrong with this dude’s hands?!)

Every Mother’s Day has a Mother’s Night…

First of all, thanks for putting up with my whining yesterday. The afternoon exhaustion hits me kind of hard (as you can tell), but I got a good night’s sleep and feel much better today. I’d also like to take this opportunity to invite you to mock my newbie-parent naïveté by telling you about the time ten months ago one of my bosses (father to two boys, ages 14 and 11) was telling me how damn tiring it was to have kids, and how he exists in a state of perpetual exhaustion. This elicited an inner eye roll from me, as I thought to myself “Bitch, please. You have children whose ages are in the double digits. They sleep through the night! They can feed themselves and can use a toilet without assistance!I have an INFANT! And you think you’re tired? SACK THE FUCK UP.”