PAY IT FORWARD: NIPPLES

Today’s PAY IT FORWARD is a thoroughly lame and sexist little joke about bathroom fixtures or some shit — I don’t know. All I can think about when I write this post is nipples.

Just what I’ve always wanted: to have the mindset of a 15-year-old boy. Or, in this case, a 15-year-old Eric Idle. With a totally rad gold chain bracelet.

PAY IT FORWARD: Fuck You, Kramer

Buckle up, Internet. This isn’t going to be easy.

Also, you might want to go ahead and re-watch any episodes of Seinfeld that you really enjoy, because that show is about to be ruined for you forever.

PAY IT FORWARD: A Litmus Test for Assholes

Internet! It has been far too long since we’ve paid it forward, has it not? And oh, I have SO many forwards ripe for the mocking, but unfortunately so little time in which to do so. So if you’ve sent me a forward, please know that it’s waiting patiently in the queue, being fed treats and receiving reassuring pats on the head while waiting its turn to be torn to shreds on this here website.

Aww. I went and anthropomorphized the forwards and now I feel guilty. I’m sorry, forwards! Circle of life and all that!

PAY IT FORWARD: Women Sure Are Amazing for a Bunch of Fat, Ugly Bitches!

Today’s PAY IT FORWARD is a bit of a yin and yang, Internet. That is, if yin and yang were two completely ridiculous and aggravating halves of an even more infuriating whole.

To wit.

Every Mother’s Day has a Mother’s Night…

First of all, thanks for putting up with my whining yesterday. The afternoon exhaustion hits me kind of hard (as you can tell), but I got a good night’s sleep and feel much better today. I’d also like to take this opportunity to invite you to mock my newbie-parent naïveté by telling you about the time ten months ago one of my bosses (father to two boys, ages 14 and 11) was telling me how damn tiring it was to have kids, and how he exists in a state of perpetual exhaustion. This elicited an inner eye roll from me, as I thought to myself “Bitch, please. You have children whose ages are in the double digits. They sleep through the night! They can feed themselves and can use a toilet without assistance!I have an INFANT! And you think you’re tired? SACK THE FUCK UP.”

PAY IT FORWARD: Boobs of the Round Table

Oh, Internet. It’s been a while since we’ve paid a bitch forward up in here, so I humbly offer up a double-header of classic sexist forward bullshit for your enjoyment. This week’s installment covers a broad range of topics: boobs, religion, and classic literary archetypes.

Ah, archetypes. One of those terms that takes me straight back to high school English class, where we read piles of classic literature, yet the only parts I seem to remember are things like Jake Barnes getting his junk blown up in the war. Such are the dangers of teaching classics to teenagers, I suppose.

PAY IT FORWARD: The Grating-est Generation

Oh, Internet. I am in kind of a craptastical mood today. I was going to finish up another post I’ve been working on, but just couldn’t stop swearing at inanimate objects long enough (stupid water bottle with your whore cap that always fucking leaks you’re ruining my senior year and I HATE YOU) to finish it. And then – as if dropped into my lap by a band of giggling cherubs straight from heaven’s daycare – someone sent me a forward. And not just any forward: a forward that contains so many of my deeply hated pet peeves that I scarce know where to begin!

But I think the fact that it quotes JAY FUCKING LENO is a good start.

PAY IT FORWARD: You Will Go To Sleep Or I Will PUT You To Sleep

Internet, seriously. I can’t stop with the quoting of the Adam Sandler movies. They’re just too damn pertinent. Especially in this instance, because today’s PAY IT FORWARD! may have very well originated with this gentleman:

“You’re in MY world now, Grandma.”

PAY IT FORWARD: Erin Go Balls

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Internet! The day in which the one-fifth of me that is Irish scrambles madly to find something green to wear so that the ghost of my half (A VERY PROUD HALF!)-Irish grandmother doesn’t come back and haunt the shit out of me.

YOU GUYS: PLEASE check out the name of this photo, which I did not alter in the slightest when I ganked it off the Internet. I have no idea what the fuck the story is behind this one, but I wanted a picture of a disapproving grandma, and I sure did get one.

PAY IT FORWARD: I Know Why the Caged Bird Forwards

Well, Internet, the forwards have reached a new low: cheapening our national treasures. Today’s victim? Maya Angelou.

Actually, that photo isn’t quite forward-appropriate. Give me a second…

That’s better.