In Which I Pretend I’m Being Interviewed by Barbara Walters

…if Barbara Walters lived in upstate New York and knew how to properly butcher a deer, that is. Yes, I asked (begged) Kristin from Going Country to tag me for this little interview meme in which she comes up with five specific questions that I must (I MUST!) answer. And then anyone who wants to be interviewed by me can request for me to do so in the comments.

And I promise not to ask you what kind of tree you would be.

So, before I get to the questions, I’d like to point out how geekily excited I get over these types of things – and not just because I’m an obnoxious asshole who likes to talk about herself (although I am), but because I’m absolutely fascinated by other people’s replies. I may not know you at all, but if you are willing to post 10 mundane facts about yourself on your blog, I WILL BE TRANSFIXED. There was recently a “16 Things” group created on Flickr, in which people posted 16 things about themselves along with a photo, and I will give you one guess which total nerd read way too many of them.

“OMG, that total stranger’s favorite vegetable is lima beans? FASCINATING!”

I am choosing not to delve too deeply into why I enjoy learning this shit about other people, but let’s chalk it up to a thirst for knowledge (translation: I AM NOSY) and move on.

Let it also be noted that I thought WAY TOO MUCH about my answers to these questions. But I stopped myself short of answering them into the mirror and pretending that I was on Barbara Walters’ pre-Oscar interview show, as I totally may have done every year throughout my teens.

(And into my twenties.)

So let us begin! I present you with Kristin’s list of five interview questions for me! Turn your head if you’re squeamish!

1) What is your favorite thing about your husband?

Allow me to test your collective gag reflex by first saying how insanely difficult it was for me to pick a favorite thing, because my husband is fucking awesome. My initial instinct was to say “his sense of humor,” which is no small thing, trust me, because the man has made me laugh harder than anyone else for going on ten years straight. But I think pregnancy hormones are going to win out here, and I’m going to have to go with his sense of compassion. You might not think a man who can make the most incredibly crass joke about testicles would have such a huge and open heart, but he does. He’s the guy who stops when your car breaks down on the side of the road, he always holds the door for everyone, and will go completely out of his way to make things easier on other people. If I told you the laundry list of things he’s helped me through during this pregnancy alone, all the ladies in the house would be trying to get on that, is what I’m saying.

2) What is the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you on stage?

Oh, Kristin. Bless you for adding those last two words to this question, because if I had to share the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me period, I would have a) been overloaded by thousands of possible answers, and b) probably would have lied, because some of that shit is paralyzingly embarrassing, yo. As it is, I have only a few instances of on-stage embarrassment that stand out in my mind, because I am gifted with the ability to completely make a fool out of myself on stage – so that in many cases where normal people would be embarrassed beyond belief, it doesn’t even register for me. Yay for a total lack of pride! I think it’s mostly because when I’m on stage, I’m technically not myself, but a character. So when things fuck up, it’s not ME, baby – it’s my character! See how that works? Anyhoo, I did once have a panic attack on stage during “Peter Pan,” of all fucking things, during which I really thought I was going to pass out and/or vomit, but that was more terrifying than embarrassing (and no one but me really knew it was happening). But a few years earlier than that I was in a show at college, and during one of the final scenes in which me and another woman (also my good friend) were at each other’s throats arguing, there was supposed to be a sound cue of a clock chiming. The cue line came and went, and no clock. After a few seconds, my friend improvised around the fuck-up, and we moved on. It was around this time that the dude in the sound booth realized his mistake and – in his panic – played the clock chiming IN CONJUNCTION WITH the following sound cue, which happened to be the curtain call music. Which sounded a whole lot like the theme to the Muppet Show. Internet, you know how sometimes you’re dealing with a really intense, serious moment, like being at a funeral or having someone tearfully share a story about how their cat got hit by a car, and suddenly something kind of amusing (and usually not even that funny) happens or comes to mind? And suddenly you’re seized with that awful feeling of Imminent Inappropriate Laughter? That’s pretty much what happened, times 100. Because I really can’t think of anything MORE OPPOSITE a tense argument than the fucking MUPPET SHOW SONG, and when you add into the equation that I was in the scene with a good friend (with another good friend on stage who was supposed to be asleep)….well, we all fucking lost it. LOST IT. Of course, we were trying to hide it, which resulted in about 30 seconds of total silence in between each line while we hid our faces and tried to compose ourselves, but it was horrific. Bad. Lasted for what seemed like forever. Made worse by the sight of my supposed-to-be-asleep friend, her body convulsing in laughter in my peripheral vision. The audience was completely confused, and my face was on fire. Oh, we all were in some SHIT afterwards, I assure you, where we were called unprofessional and immature, etc., but I challenge any one of you to play the Muppet Show music the next time you ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY cannot laugh, and see if you can hold it together. I submit that you cannot.

3) What is something that you will never, ever allow your daughter to do?

This one was tough – and I even enlisted Brad’s help – because I kept getting caught up in the fact that once the kid gets old enough, she can pretty much do whatever she wants, no matter what I say. And I couldn’t decide whether or not to go with something small and obvious (I’ll never allow her to play in traffic. The End.), or something big and ultimately out of my control (I’ll never let her feel bad about herself. It’s that easy!). Then there were the things I don’t want her doing at, say, age fifteen (drinking) that would be perfectly fine later in life. I’m also a big proponent of people fucking up for themselves, because sometimes that’s the only way you really learn. But – all my thousands of caveats aside – I have to say I will never, ever let her: be cruel or insensitive to animals (Tootsie, I got your back), get involved with drugs (I’ve seen far too many episodes of Intervention), or use fear as a reason not to do something. Uh, except drugs.

4) What is your absolute favorite article of clothing?

My black, skinny-high-heeled boots that come up just below the knee. Not getting much wear this year because of my complete lack of balance and occasional sciatica. OW.

5) What songs always make you car-dance when they come on?

As far as radio songs go, “Play that Funky Music” and “Rock Your Body” get the job done. Otherwise, “What’s Your Fantasy” and “You Can Do It,” (NSFW! NSFW!) are perennial favorites (but they almost never come on the radio), and whenever I play any Girl Talk (also NSFW! I have filthy taste in music!) in the car, I am pretty much unfit to drive.

DONE! Now if you want to partake in the fun, let me know in the comments. I promise I won’t ask anything too personal, but I can’t promise I won’t be seriously disappointed if no one lets me interview them.

I’m pretty good at this manipulative maternal guilt already. Still working on those eyebrows.

Now, the rules:

If you’d like to play along, just follow these instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (And realize I might take a while to get back to you.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. (Eventually!)
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Hop to it!