PAY IT FORWARD: I Know Why the Caged Bird Forwards

Well, Internet, the forwards have reached a new low: cheapening our national treasures. Today’s victim? Maya Angelou.

Actually, that photo isn’t quite forward-appropriate. Give me a second…

That’s better.

Subject: FW: Maya Angelou

I’d be willing to bet that 98% of the people who forward this either a) have no idea who she is, b) only know who she is from her appearances on Oprah, or c) think this is her:

Completely off topic, but that is a really confusing outfit. It looks like an ice skate. And would it have killed her to do her hair? Damn! You’re on computer wallpaper! Make an effort! I gotta be honest, Mya: if I was a 15 year old boy, I’m not sure I’d choose to spank it to this.

Let’s continue.

I’m really enjoying how someone just reduced Maya Angelou’s entire lifetime of award-winning, Pulitzer prize-nominated poetry to “nice thoughts.” Oh, and Maya herself? The same women who has served on two presidential committees and has over thirty honorary degrees? She’s “cool.”

Thanks for the specifics, forward. April of what year? Eh, you know – just April. For her 70th birthday. Or not. Maybe it was 71, maybe it was 74. Did someone say Oprah? Did she give away cars that day?!

Oh, and just you wait about the bizarre elastic warning. Just you wait.

I mean, CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT?! A woman said she thought aging was exciting on TELEVISION? No, not just on television, but on OPRAH?! Well, for a cool woman, I’m not so sure that was a nice thought.

Maya, I’m kind of disappointed in you.

WHOA.

First of all: she makes a saggy boob joke, and THAT’S what provokes you to realize she speaks “wisdom in her words”?

SECONDLY: Maybe it’s just me, but that “simple” thing really gets under my skin. She’s been on the NY Times bestseller list, whore. Who’s simple now?!

Wow. They are actually managing to make Maya Angelou sound really boring.

Rainy days don’t bother me at all, but I have cried and/or thrown an unfortunate adult tantrum at both lost luggage AND tangled Christmas lights, and you know what? SCREW YOU, Maya, for suggesting this makes me a terrible person. Go rhyme something somewhere and leave me the fuck alone.

(And, for the record, I’d bet the mortgage that Maya Angelou has worn it out on a desk agent or two down in baggage claim.)

Since when is Maya Angelou a creepy middle-aged man with boundary issues?

There are a bunch more really vanilla “words of wisdom” that follow after this one, but honestly, I’m not entirely sure they’re actually quotes from Maya Angelou, and they’re really too boring to snark on, so I’m leaving them out.

So, who should you forward this to?

*BARF*

So, what happens if I DON’T forward it?

Um…did Maya Angelou endorse this? As part of a Hanes Her Way special edition “I Rise, I Rise, I Rise” line of underwear?

I think we can all agree we’re grateful not to have seen the ass of the person who wrote this horseshit.

Well, that’s about it, Internet. Sorry my posting has been so light this week; I’ve been busy enjoying the spring weather and planning a FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY for a certain 11-month-old I know.

Counting down to her first taste of sheet cake.

In related news: WHERE DID MY BABY GOOOOOOOO?!??!