“We can talk or not talk for hours, and still find things to not talk about.”

The title for this post comes from one of the most brilliant movies ever made, and one that is constantly quoted in our household.

You’d be surprised how many opportunities I have to say, “He went after her like she was made out of ham.”

All that is to say I have so many things to write about, Internet, but for now all I can offer is this shitty placeholder post while I get my thoughts together. It seems that being snowbound for a week can result in some pretty serious navel-gazing about careers, religion, babies, parenting, family, and yes, even you, Internet.

I have concluded that the Internet is not inherently evil, and offer you Selleck Waterfall Sandwich as proof.*

I’ve been debating writing about any of that aforementioned stuff on this site, because 1) I’m relatively confident you guys come here to laugh, not to read my Deep Thoughts; 2) I kind of suck at writing about serious things; 3) Writing about those things would only really be a way for me to sort out my own feelings, and hello, I’m pretty sure that would be even more boring than usual for you. But then I think WAIT! This is my blog. I didn’t start this site solely to entertain other people; it’s also…

…for me to write on.

So I’m probably going to write about those things just to get them out of my head, and then decide later about posting them. Cool? Cool.

And now for a bit of housekeeping: Amy submitted these questions to me over email a while back, and I didn’t get a chance to answer them here or here, so let’s get to it:

Q: “If you suddenly came into a lot of money, what would you do with it?”

A: Well, in order for this answer to be really fun, let’s take the whole “selfless giving” part out of the equation, shall we? Because whenever you ask someone what they’d do with an asston of money, and they come back with serious answers like “put it in savings,” or “pay off my debt,” or “send my niece to college,” it kind of puts a damper on the whole fantasy aspect of the question, which is kind of the point to begin with. So let’s assume that I’ve already filled my savings account and paid off debt and bought my parents a Cadillac and started college funds for needy kids and opened a retirement home for elderly endangered pygmy owls and all that good stuff.

I would also be keeping one for myself because AWWWW.

I’d travel all over the place with Brad and Sadie. I’d go to the Kentucky Derby and sit in the fancy seats. What the hell – I’d also buy a racehorse (and another slow-ish one for me to ride). I’d put a master bath on our third floor. I’d buy Steelers box seats for Brad. I’d get my MFA. I’d get a muscle car. I’d buy a front-loading washer and dryer. I’d remodel our kitchen.

Yes, my daydreams include appliances. I’m officially Old.

Q. “Hardcover or paperback?”

A: I get my reading done when I’m generally away from home, like on planes, in airports, on vacation, backstage, anywhere I’ve got a lot of waiting around/sitting on my ass to do. Paperback is definitely my preference, as it’s so much more pliable and a hell of a lot lighter. And I love how my most-loved and most-read paperbacks get that worn and dog-eared appearance.

This reminds me of the time I got all emotional about not liking this whole paperless-book movement (i.e., Kindles, etc), and Brad was all “Get with it, Old Lady, and save some trees!” and I was all “I cannot read a book that doesn’t have pages!” and I was mostly just worried that they’d stop printing books with those awesome onion-skin pages that have in the past been my sole reason for reading certain (very boring and loooong) books. That copy of Les Misérables I stole from the junior high library, I’m looking at you.

Q: “And most importantly – Cake or pie? Cookies or pie? Ice cream or pie?”

A: You might think you’re forcing my hand here, but you’re not: PIE.

Cherry, please. (Warrant optional.**)

Sorry for my scatterbrained nature today; it’s snowing AGAIN and that, combined with my audition tonight (and coupled with the knowledge that I get unnecessarily and ridiculously jumpy before any kind of audition), means I have all the mental fortitude of a damn box spring. I know I owe you a PAY IT FORWARD (although I deleted the most delightful “medical and scientific” description of Jesus’s crucifixion that I received this morning because…you guys. No words.). Just allow me spend the rest of today fretting about getting stuck in snow traffic and missing my (completely inconsequential and mostly just doing it for practice) audition OMG WTF.

Have I mentioned how much I HAVE TO PEE before an audition?

(Also, this photo is of a product that I assumed was not real. It is. It’s basically a ziploc bag for poop, y’all. Recognize.)

*I laughed for, oh, roughly thirty minutes at this picture. If the Internet is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

**Ditto for the first ten seconds of that video. The 80s were a simpler (and thoroughly hilarious) time.