Digging Out

So, as you may have heard, our area of the country got a little bit of snow. I’m really tired of thinking and talking about it, so I’ve boiled it down to a few highlights:

1. It snowed a whole shit ton;
2. There is apparently one snowplow in the entire city of Pittsburgh;
3. I have not stepped outside of the house since Friday afternoon.

Is it still, like, all oxygen-y out there and stuff?

GUEST POST: Sister Francis, Over Easy

Internet. I cannot POSSIBLY EXPRESS how excited I am for today’s post. You are about to read a post authored by none other than my amazing, hilarious friend CFoST (Chicago Friend of Said Turkey…who actually lives in Kansas City now, but whatever). A few things you should know about CFoST:

1. She is awesome;
2. She can French inhale;
3. She spoils the hell out of Sadie;
4. She’s got a Fendi bag and a bad attitude…

…that’s all it takes to get me in a good mood.

In The Moment

There is one phrase in the English language that was a cornerstone of my years as a theatre student; something that was repeated ad nauseam in acting classes, in the movement studio, and in countless late night rehearsals.

And no, this phrase was surprisingly not “We are all a bunch of gigantic nerds.”

PAY IT FORWARD: Please God, Make Me A Bird…

Greetings, Internet! Welcome to another edition of PAY IT FORWARD! Not sure if you’ve noticed, but in some (most) of the old PAY IT FORWARD entries, the graphics have disappeared. This is because I bootlegged the screenshots into jpgs instead of actually converting them into jpgs, and while this used to work, it apparently, uh, doesn’t work anymore.

My computer-savvy husband figured this out for me, and when I confessed my file bootlegging, he had to lay his head down on the desk for a little while.

More AAAYYYYs

Not like “morays,” as in eels, but more “As,” as in answers…you know what? Nevermind. Here’s the Fonz:

PAY IT FORWARD: Gross

Brad and I watched District 9 Tuesday night. Brad had already seen it, and predicted that I would find the little alien child cute.

Which I totally did, even though he looked like this. Who’s mama’s little tentacle-face? Who? WHO?

AAAAYYYYYs

I was going to title this post “The As to your Qs,” but then I realized that most people would read it “The [az]” instead of “The [ays],”and then I realized that “As” (as in, the plural of “A”) also kind of sounded like the Fonz, and who am I to deny a good Fonz reference? And THEN I remembered how I read this joke* someone made in the comments of a Jezebel post about Henry Winkler having dyslexia as a child: “Why didn’t he just make a fist and pound the books once to fix how the letters looked? Or does that only work for juke boxes?” And after laughing my ass clean off, I emailed Brad about it, who then responded with: “So in his script, most of his lines just said: ‘!yyyyyyyyA’”

!aaaaaaaaaH

Q & A

So, I decided against auditioning for the avant garde, Kafka-esque, possibly-involving-my-bare-ass play for the following reasons:

1. The auditions are on Monday. I was told on Thursday that I’d need to have a monologue. OK, not a huge deal, I can memorize something by then, EXCEPT:
2. The only guideline given for said monologue was to choose something that is “full of ideas” and “only uses language in an extended way.” And, uh, I am kind of a literal person over here, friends, and I had NO IDEA what the FUCK that meant;
3. The play? She was really weird. No, weirder than that. I gave some excerpts in the comments last time, but here are some more: “I want to eat your genitals and give birth to a tiger that will devour the time with which the clocks strike my empty heart…yesterday I began to kill you my heart/now I love/your corpse/when I am dead/my dust will cry out for you. I was to give you this birth for a present, little Victor, so that you can fill her with your rotten sperm.”

Not exactly “Hello, Dolly!”

(In other news, I can’t wait to see my Google stats this month.)

PAY IT FORWARD: Men Are Stupid, Women Are Shallow, And Terrorists Are Going To Kill Us All

Greetings, Internet! Welcome to PAY IT FORWARD! Apologies in advance for all the virtual vitriol I am about to spew your way, but the forwards in today’s installment are so ignorant, they make Gomer Pyle look like Carl fucking Sagan.*

“Well, sur-prise sur-prise! Fanatical ethnic or religious or national chauvinisms are a little difficult to maintain when we see our planet as a fragile blue crescent fading to become an inconspicuous point of light against the bastion and citadel of the stars. GAWRSH!”

The Play’s The Thing

A few stats for you:

Sadie’s current weight: 18 lbs

Sadie’s current height: 28.5 inches

Sadie’s pediatrician, who was on Assface Probation after being kind of a prick on the phone: back to his normal, helpful, caring self. Probation lifted.

On Assface Probation indefinitely.