Plagued

Internet, I never should have said it. I never should have opened my big, fat mouth on the way home on Friday and said what I’d been thinking all day long: “Wow – this will mark two weeks that none of us have been sick!”

“Don’t say that!” said Brad, with genuine anxiety.

“Oh, please,” I said. “That’s not how these things work.”

Oh, ON THE CONTRARY, says the universe.

PAY IT FORWARD: God Is Angry

Happy Friday, Internet! I hope it is going well. And I hope you’re prepared to have your day ruined by these inane fucking forwards, because it’s about to get incredibly annoying up in here.

Bless you if you remember Annoying Man. And then come with me to a denture fitting, because that means we are both FUCKING OLD, yo.

Positivity

My apologies in advance, Internet. It’s about to get all Debbie Downer up in here.

“Hey, do you think Bob’s single? He’s handsome, smart, and charming. Of course, so was Ted Bundy.”

Houston, We Have a Baby

One giant leap for womankind.

Boo! No, Really: BOO

Well, Internet, it seems that Halloween is upon us. And, as usual, I have some things to say about it.

Let me start by telling you what A TERRIBLE FUCKING IDEA it is to buy your trick-or-treat candy six days in advance. I have gotten most of my nutrients this week from miniature Twix bars.

PAY IT FORWARD: Breakfast At McDonald’s

WARNING: This post is not in any way delicious, so before your mouth starts watering for hash browns and sausage biscuits and other foodstuffs that qualify as pre-exisiting conditions, let me stop you right there. Nope, no hotcakes or breakfast burritos here. In fact, the only thing this forward really has to do with McDonald’s is that it made me grimace.

I’m hatin’ it.

Two Days, Twelve Years

Well, Internet, if there was an antidote to last weekend, it was definitely this weekend.

Proximity to multiple wineries = antidote to pretty much anything.

Show Me That Smile Again

So, I was PLANNING on posting another PAY IT FORWARD! today (and it’s a doozy, I assure you), and I was already rushed because of the insane clusterfuckery that is two neurotic parents preparing to leave their preciouswonderfulperfectangelbaby with relatives for the weekend, and then last night when I was bathing Sadie, she grabbed my finger and started chewing and that’s when I felt…something sharp.

YEEEEEEEEEAAAAHHHH!

(Uh, by the way, have you seen this picture of Lil Jon in high school?

WHAT? OKAAAAAYYYYY!)

Yes, my GROWING-UP-WAY-TOO-FAST 6-month old is cutting her first tooth, which explains her recent ability to go from zero to OMG! FML! in less than 60 seconds. This is all happening just in time for our weekend away, meaning we are saddling her poor, unsuspecting aunt and uncle with a teething baby. I am currently feeling three things:

1. Relief at being able to have someone else deal with Guy Smiley for the weekend;
2. INSANE GUILT AND WORRY because me and my magical calming rack will not be around to soothe her;
3. Sympathy for my brother-in-law and his wife.

Good Lord, I hope not. It’s going to be really hard to find a sitter after that.

Enjoy your weekend, Internet.  See you on the other (much toothier) side.

Germ Warfare

Internet, I am sick.  I have not been this sick in more than two years thanks to obsessive-compulsive handwashing, awesome prenatal vitamins and having no previous reason to see the inside of a daycare, and I am not handling it well.

Hey look! It’s me getting out of bed this morning.

Cheers & Jeers: I Am Actually Relieved It’s Monday Edition

You know how sometimes you’ll dread something for weeks and weeks, constantly visualizing the worst-case scenarios that will SURELY come about, and bemoaning each day that brings you closer to The Suck…and then it ends up being not nearly as bad as you’d feared? Yeah. That was not this weekend.