Jive Turkey

I leave tomorrow for an impromptu mini-vacation in Arizona with my sister.

Give me back my Trapper Keeper, you bitch!

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Please, please, PLEASE - if you do ONE THING on the internet today, go here and watch these fucking brilliant - BRILLIANT! - videos.

“Whaddya mean, that’s it?”

I’ve watched “Mother’s Day,” “The Christmas Tree,” “The Phone Call,” and “My Son is Gay?” about five times each today. Who IS this John Roberts guy, and can he come live at my house and be the New Jersey mother I never had?

“I had no idea!”

This past weekend I hosted a surprise baby shower for my good friend from high school. I had a house full of friends, flowers, miniature cupcakes, and lots of estrogen. It was actually a quite small affair - just five guests and myself - so I didn’t really bother planning any games…although there are some gems out there these days.

Baby showers: The only time in your life that you can be publicly excited about smelling excrement.

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So, you remember how - a while back - I posted all of the crazy things people Google to get to my site? Well, HOLY SHIT have things gotten interesting around here since I posted that rant on MannahHontanaRayCyrus. For one thing, I thought I was being all clever making goofy permutations of the girl’s name, but goodness, the online masses have put me to shame. Just a sampling of the searches that have brought wayward travelers on the Internet Superhighway to my door:

• myrus cyrus vanity fair
• millie ray cyrus vanity fair
• hiley cyrus vanity fair
• myrus vanity fair
• milly ray cyrus pictures
• millie ray cyrus vanity fair

And the winner of the “Cut The Shit, Where’s The One of Her Bra” Award:

• millie ray cyrus bra

Yes, folks - Miley Cyrus might be worth millions upon millions of dollars and have her face (and more!) splashed across t-shirts and TV sets across the world, but people are still confusing her name with her father’s. Also? How much do I love that not one, but TWO people thought her name was “Myrus?”

A LOT, that’s how much.

If you’ve been exposed (ha!) to any sort of news coverage this week, you’ve undoubtedly heard about America’s newest Lohan-in-Training, Miley Cyrus, flashing her 15-year-old goods for Vanity Fair. Pretty classy, no? Honestly, before I even read all the evidence to back me up, I felt the strong urge to call hot, steaming BULLSHIT on the whole “I was taken advantage of” defense from the Miley Cyrus camp. Bitch, please. You were at a photo shoot. With a FAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHER. For a MAGAZINE. That is distributed WORLDWIDE. And you expect us to believe that, oh, gee, I had no idea these pictures might, I don’t know, circulate into the media! Heavens! I don’t sport a bedsheet and call-girl makeup for just anyone!

Uh, although I DO flash my bra on trashy, MySpace-esque amateur photographs on the internet. I have standards, you know.

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Apparently, tomorrow (April 24) is Take Your Daughter/Son to Work Day - that blessed time of year when the country’s offspring get to spend 9 hours sitting in a chair drawing on printer paper with highlighters while watching their parent get belittled by the boss and talked down to by co-workers.

“Mommy will get you a soda in a minute, sweetie - she has to have a new asshole installed by Mr. Harrison first.”

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JEERS:

• Being asked “How are we coming on [annoying project]?” when it is clear to you, me, Dianne Wiest, your grandma, CNN and the Christ child that I am the only one who has actual work to complete.
• The church across the street that keeps chiming its damn bells for 15 minute stretches at random intervals throughout the day. What the fuck is going on in there? Quasimodo practice?
• Being given a reasonable informal estimate for some masonry work; getting formal estimate that is TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS HIGHER. For that price, those bricks had better be able to do my taxes, moisturize my skin, and give all my houseguests earth-shattering orgasms.
• OMFG, can we please stop with the Diablo Cody hating? Look, if you didn’t like “Juno,” FINE. But why so much personal hate towards the screenwriter? If she’s in the news too much for your taste, then place the blame on the media outlets where it belongs. But the girl came by her success honestly - someone noticed her blogging, liked her writing, and the doors opened - so why can’t you at least give her credit for that? Is the fact that there are insanely more talented screenwriters out there still struggling for their Big Break? Well, holy shit, is that NEWS?! I just don’t get it - Hollywood is filled with no-talent attention whores like Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and the entire gamut of reality “stars,” and you choose to hate on the one girl who actually WORKS for her success? GOD FORBID we applaud a woman for making a name for herself and winning a goddamn Oscar…let’s take cheap shots at her appearance instead. Give me a fucking break, Nell Carter. Honest to blog.
• Getting myself worked up about people I don’t even know.

CHEERS:

• Diablo Cody
• Profanity
• Spring

Hated “Juno.”

A few days ago when I was on my way to get blood drawn to see if I have a thyroid problem (ain’t nothin’ sexier than a goiter, friends), I passed a huge line of trailers, trucks filled with lighting equipment, and craft services vans. Apparently, another movie is being filmed in our fair city, which has seen its fair share of Hollywood action lately.

Pittsburgh! Not just for filming “Hambone & Hillie” anymore!

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If there’s one thing I’ve learned during this whole trying-to-get-knocked-up process (besides how to take my basal temperature every morning and record the results on a chart that tells me ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING), it’s that my brain is definitely not doing the talking these days. You know who is?

Chatty little bastards.

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So, guess what I get to do today?

Sadly, not an April Fool’s joke.

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